Confessions of a Supermom - JennyF's 4th thread

[JennyF]

Thanks Miss IC...I could use a few laughs!

I've had a rough couple days for some reason. Yesterday after H took S for a few hours, I broke down crying again (after he left). And I didn't stop. I cried myself to sleep and again when I woke up. I haven't cried like this in SO long. I am REALLY feeling sad about spending so much less time with my children. I definitely feel that I am doing what is right for THEM by allowing H to take them as much as he is...but it is killing me.
So I go to drop S off at MIL's (where H is staying...and has D for the weekend). I muster up my strength on the way there and say I am not going to cry.
I get there, and H tells D to come say hi to Mommy. She comes running up all happy wanting me to come in watch Happy Feet with her. Then she sits on my lap and hugs me and tells me she wants to come home. I say, not today sweetie, Mommy's going to see you tomorrow. This upset her and she kept saying she really wanted to come home. So suddenly I'm welling up, D looks at me and says, "Mommy, are you crying?" in the sweetest little sad voice I've ever heard. She asked me to sing her a song. Through tears and a shaky voice I hugged and bounced her and sang You Are My Sunshine with my back to H. Then I have her a huge squeeze and kiss and passed her off crying to H.
Then I ran out of the house into my car and lost it as I drove away.
Unfortunately it doesn't end there. I go straight to my parents. I feel as though I'm on the verge of completely losing and I don't want to go home alone. So I go to my Mom's and sure enough...I lose it. I mean screaming and crying and shaking like little kid throwing a tantrum. At one point I thought to myself, is this what a nervous breakdown feels like??
My parent's got me calmed down with lots of hugs and a couple 2X4's. At one point my Mom told my step dad to drive her over there so she could punch H's lights out. It was kind of cute actually.

After I calmed down I called H to see how D was. He said she was ok. I apolgized for getting upset. He said, yeah...what was that all about? (Duh) I said that I'm having a really hard time letting the kids go right now, but that it wasn't for him to worry about, I had to deal with it. He said take care and we hung up.

I came home and had a shower and H called to make the arrangements for me to pick S back up. He asked if I was ok (not sure why he asks this when he clearly doesn't care about the answer). I said I'm fine, but that I'm really upset about the kids especially S. He said, well do you want him to have less time with him (H). I said no, this is what is right for the kids. I said I could get into it (meaning this conversation with him), but it really doesn't matter. The point is that a 3 year old and a newborn shouldn't be spending this much time away from EITHER parent. I said it is killing me, but it really doesn't matter and I have to find a way to deal with it. He said, yep.

When I went to pick S up (with severely swollen eyes). He made small talk about how good S had been blah blah blah. (D was still sleeping so she didn't see me). For a split second he actually looked at me and I thought I saw a look of empathy in his eyes. But who knows.
S and I went back to my parent's and stayed for dinner. We had a nice day and evening.
I'm feeling a bit better than I was...now I'm just feeling silly for losing it. But I can feel this emotion building inside of me and I guess I just had to let it out.

So that is my story for the day. I think it was probably a backslide. The thing is that it isn't about letting H go right now...it's about my children. I feel I'm doing what is best for them...but how do I get over it?
H thinks I just need to keep myself busy...but he's not exactly put me in a fincancial position where I can do a whole lot of extra things.
And NOTHING I do to occupy my time will change the fact that a 3 year old should not be spending almost 40% of her time away from her mother! And a newborn shouldn't be spending 20 hours a week away!
I know the time is good for me, but it is too much. Children this small should have their families together. My God if they aren't worth making an effort for than what on earth is?
I'm starting to feel REALLY angry at H for what he is doing. I want to say to him, "If anyone every hurts our D even half as much as you've hurt me...please promise me you will hurt him badly". WHY can't he see what he is doing? HOW did this man turn into this heartless monster??
This comes back to the whole forgiveness thing...I am SO not there.
I'm rambling now. Any advice would be welcome.
Thanks for listening.
J~