You are right, facing the fear and dealing with it is the key.
Fear can paralyze.
Thinking of you, we have all been there and go back and visit it occassionally too.
Praying for you.
Me: 46 H:44 Together: 25 years Married: 20 years Separated: 11-30-06 Divorced 12-21-07 OW: EA began 2005 PA began end of 2006 3 children,20, 16, 6 ex asked for forgiveness 01/16/11
What I would like to see more of is a difficult one. I guess that's why I'm stuck.
From me I'd like to see a more loving person. I thought I had become better at this but yesterday's reflection (see end of my last thread 'Dreams') has made me realise that actually all I have done is put myself on a pedastal and gone nah, nah, na, na, na to H. I always used to tell H that he never loved me like I love him. My reflection showed me that maybe I never let him. Maybe it was me who was hard to reach and not him. I think I helped push him away.
I also need to be able to do things towards the D w/o going out of my way to stall things. All this has achieved is more animosity between H and I and endless, unecessary letters from Ls. At the moment it's hard to remember that we were ever M.
From my kids I'd like to see them behaving more like a family. Just this week two incidences have occurred to make me realise that yet again I have not achieved what I thought I had. My D17 went to Eygpt on Wednesday but she actually left our house on Tuesday b/c of the where they were flying from and the flight times. I had to say goodbye to her in the morning b/c she was going in the middle of the afternoon and she didn't give me enough notice about this to take any time off. I assumed everyone else would've said thier 'bon voyage' when she actually left. I now know this didn't happen b/c on Thursday both D12 and S15 asked me where there sister was. It had taken them over 48 hours to realise she wasn't there. Admittedly she does spend a lot of time away from the hoyse (esp when her BF) is around but this was just like a slap in the face. We are not a family, we are 4 people who just happen to live in the same house. This is how it was when H left. Nothing has changed.
The other incident was yesterday. I declined an invitation to go out b/c I felt so guilty that I had been out every weekend since New Year and I didn't want to leave them by themselves again. I might just have well gone out b/c D12 sat in her room all night and S15 went out. I sat by myself again. When I did try to interact with D12 she made it perfectly clear it wasn't what she wanted. We do not have a family bond. The one thing I strove for from the minute I was first pregnant and I still don't have it.
From my H. I want him to at least co-parent with me. At the moment he is only interested when he feels like it and as events on Friday showed very often he backs out at the last minute especially when it involves having to sit down and have a discussion with me. I've no hope for my M anymore but I would at least like to a friendship with the father of my children. He can't/wont give that and it hurts like hell.
Me 43 XH 45 M 2.7.88 Divorce 7.10.09 Kids D20,S17 & D15
I've made a start on putting things right between me and the children. I've apologised to D12 and S15 for the way in which I have behaved over the last 2yrs. Interestingly they had different reactions. D12 said I had nothing to apologise for as I had done nothing wrong. S15 just hugged me. As S15 has been around more so far today and we have had a chance to discuss things I also told him that I wanted him to reconsider going on holiday with H at Christmas. First he asked me why and I just said 'he is your dad he deserves to have a christmas with you all'. Then when I asked him if he truthfully wanted to go on holiday with H he said he did but he wasn't sure he wanted to go at Christmas b/c last year when he went away with me and the girls he felt like he had missed out. I queried what he meant by this and he said it hadn't felt like Christmas. I pointed out that this was possibly b/c we went somewhere hot and that H wanted to take them skiing so it might be different. He agreed that might be the case but said he still wasn't sure. I didn't push I just wanted an honest opinion from him.
Last weekend H put in an email to me that he thought if I just took time to listen to what the children wanted I would find that actually they want us to get D!!!!!!!!! So today I asked S15 if this is how he felt. He said no but it might make things easier all round. I asked him to elaborate on this and he said it would stop all the arguements. I pointed out that the main thing we argue about is him and his sisters (and we always did that) so I didn't see how it would change anything. He then said that he is very aware that H threatens to cut money for them etc when I won't comply with his wishes about D (which is true) and so if we were Dd it would at least stop that. He is right and I told him so.
This is hurting so much but I have to do it.
Me 43 XH 45 M 2.7.88 Divorce 7.10.09 Kids D20,S17 & D15
