I'll say it more bluntly than Sue did: you're cake-eating, it's selfish and hurtful, and this probably isn't the best place to look for understanding and sympathy.
You replied to me previously that "I don't know how to end it." To that I call "b.s." You end it, by ending it.
Sue, Thanks for the well wishes. I knew coming here would help, I was on the other side of the coin a couple of years ago, and I THOUGHT that we had things worked out. Obviously not. Back then everyone here was of a great support so I figured to come back when I KNEW I needed to do something about the R that I have. As for being offended don't worry about that I deserve any 'slamming' that I get from this. I know that most of it is coming out of furstration about the sitch that is going on around you or anybody else. Like I said been there done that. I know I should not drag it out any longer with the OM, but in all honesty I have not been making anytime for him. That is what is making it dificult to break things off. I have had very little contact with him over the last couple of weeks. I know it may sound like I am making excusses, maybe I am, but I do want it ended by the time that H and I get into C. So there is a definate dead line, Feb 20th, and I do want a little bit of time between the time that I do break things off and the appt.
I am not looking for understanding or sympathy. I know what I have done is hurtful and VERY VERY selfish. If I could go back in time I would, but as Michelle says you can not change the past you can only effect the future, or something like that. Read the reply to Sue and maybe you will understand WHY I came here for help.
If I could go back in time I would, but as Michelle says you can not change the past you can only effect the future, or something like that.
Exactly, but by not cutting ties with OM, how is this going to effect your future? It sounds like you want to try to work things out with your husband but yet you CAN'T do that with OM still in the picture. What are you waiting for? What is it you really want?
Then get rid of this OM and put your efforts into your marriage. Your marriage will NEVER be anything until you do so. ((((((Hugs)))))) Stay warm tomorrow...I just noticed you're a fellow Michigander
The "wish I could go back in time" is only valid if you've ENDED IT currently. I'm sorry, but from where I'm sitting, if you're still persisting in the affair, it doesn't seem to me like you wish you could go back and change anything, and it's really perplexing to me when you've been a victim of the same thing yourself when your H had an affair.
When my wife was in the midst of her affair, she kept saying "I screwed up -- I made a mistake!" After hearing that for the umpteenth time, I said "No, honey, leaving your car window open when it rains is a 'mistake'. Even a one-night stand, as unjustified as that also is, MIGHT be considered a horrible, horrible 'mistake'. But what you're doing is getting up every morning and making a conscious decision to CONTINUE TO HAVE AN AFFAIR, knowing how much it's killing me, our daughters, and your parents. That's not a 'mistake' at all -- it's a day-after-day, continuous DECISION."
Ok I am back...I did not want to post again until it had finally ended with OM. Well that did happen... I am not looking for any pat on the back or praise from anybody. I just wanted to let you all know that it was over and now the real work starts.
I have been working on things with H but there are still some major things that we need to work out together. Tonight is our first C appt so we will see what the C is like and if he or she will be able to work with us, on the problems that we have.
I did do one thing that my C told me to do was to make a list of things that I felt was a problem in our R, in hopes that would give our C a direction to head in with us. Because in reality I am the one who has the problems H thought everything was GREAT and no problems. Money is a major one and from what I hear that is not an uncommon one to have to deal with, but I think if we can get that resolved we will be in good shape. So with communication and all of that hopfully things will turn out.
OK Just going to do some journaling here, need to get somethings out of my mind and out there.
It's been two days now that I ended things with OM. I was doing great until last night when I hit a wall of emotion. It was like somebody just dumped something on me, like a wave rolling over you. I know that it's a process of grieving, even though its not my husband who is gone but somebody who was a very important part of my life for over half of it. To know that he would be there, even before the A, as a shoulder to cry on. I don't have that with him anymore, now I depend on my H for that. H of course does not know the whole story there but maybe in time. All that H knows is that I talked to OM on Tuesday night and told him that I could not talk to him anymore because it was not good for me and H. H knows that he was encouraging me to leave and H figured that it would only have been a matter of time before OM made his move. Well like I said H does not know the extent of the R that I had with OM. H is trying to encourage me to call my BF again and try and talk to her. But that I really don't think will be an option, there has been a lot of damage done to that fiendship and it would be alot of work. Yet again I only have time for one R at a time, I can't put effort in to rebuilding two R that are damaged. Before all of this H had talked to BF, they both work at the same place, to see if there was something that she could do to more or less drive something between OM and me. Funny thing when I told my C that she thought that was kind of funny that H would go out of his way to make contact with BF, instead of being there as a friend for me.
H and I had our first C appt yesterday afternoon. I don't know if I really like this guy or not. He did not give me the warm fuzzy feeling that I think that you should get from somebody in that profession. He talked to us each individually and then together, we were there for about an hour and a half. H and I have not had a chance to really talk since, H had to bowl last night and he is taking D to a hockey game tonight, so I won't see him until later on tonight again. I did have some time with him before he left for the hockey game but that was only about 15 mins. Long enough for him to get in the house take a shower and leave again. I do talk to him while he is in the shower, funny thing he knows when I do that there is something that is really bothering. But back to the C, one of the things that I brought up was that when ever we talk about a major issue H is always right. He will not look at things from another side, and that was what he told us to work on. Try seeing where the other person is coming from, and see how many times either of us thinks that we are right. Money came up but the C picked up on the fact that we don't talk about things, and is working on that with us first.
D is spending the night at a friends house friday night so I asked H what he wanted to do. He at first said, meet me at the bar after work. I would not have had a problem with that but I told him I don't want to show up and have him trashed. Then after I said that he suggested going to a movie, mind you I LOVE GOING TO THE MOVIES. He got movie gift certificates for me for christmas but the theater that he got them to never has any good movies playing. So I told him that we could go to see Definatly Maybe, or pay to see a different movie at a different theater. I think that we are heading to go see the new Larry the Cable guy movie. So we are planning a date night. Then on Saturday night we have a dinner for his racing, and Sunday we have a doubles bowling tournament that he is actually running for the union. So we have a full weekend a head of us.
That is all for now, thanks for coming by to read. I have to get to the laundry and picking up the house, something I normally do on Wednesday night, but I was a wreck, and got thing done. I will keep you all posted.
Today was a better day for me all the way around. H and I had a really good talk before we headed out for dinner, desided to scrap the movie for the evening for a couple reasons. One H is coming down with a cold and had a pretty bad sinus headache, and H has to go into work at 4am. Why am I on the computer then? Well he is already asleep in the living room, he was trying to catch up on some TV.
H and I told H in our talk that he had some big shoes to fill. Not sure if you all know the OM was a friend from high school, so he was in fact at our wedding. Kind of funny I think. But H knew that OM and I had a very close friendship and that we talked about EVERYTHING. I told H when I was feeling neglected by him I would turn to the OM to fill that need, and OM knew that to a piont. I told H when ever OM and I would be out he would always pay, if i would drink when we would be out he would always make sure that I made it home OK, and that kind of stuff. And that was even before things changed. So maybe the A was happening long before I realized it was happening. But anyhow it is ended now. I also told H that OM knew how to make me feel special, then H asked me a very intersting question...Did I make you feel special when we were first going out? I told him yes, you did, and I want that feeling back. Which in all honesty he has been working really really hard at it. I also mentioned to him that I want to start going out with other people. I guess after we are done bowling on Sunday he planned on staying at the bowling alley for a bit to hit the bar and then go to dinner with a couple other couples, YEAH!!!! I even told him that we could have people over and that too, we don't always have to go to dinner and go out, we can stay in an entertain.
I need to keep reminding myself that I need to see the small steps that we are making rather that wanting a big leap.
During dinner we talked almost the whole time. About what I really can't tell you, it was a bunch of stuff. Now this too is an unusual event...I remember there were times that we would go out to eat and not say but ten words to each other. He opened my car door, and even put his arm around me, granted it was to get me out of the way of a car in the parking lot, but still.
Today there was a time that I thought that I should tell H about the extent of the R that I had with OM. I guess maybe I am moving towards that ever so slowly, to cushion the blow. But I am still on the fence about telling or not telling. I know that it would make me feel better in the short term but for the long term I think that it would make my life bad very very bad. I know that all the progress that we have made would be thrown out the window.
I guess I should go and wake up H and get him to bed for the night. More updates I am sure to come.
