I just read your post that had your "synopsis" of your 5 year plan. And I would love to hear more and pick your brain.
I have post all over the board and in my heart (as jeannette pointed out to me earlier this week) I KNOW what my hearts desire is -- my marriage restored. BUT I also know that it isn't about ME - (in the sense that I can't make anyone change, heal or otherwise.) What I have learned is that I have to make MY LIFE about me.
Something you said in your post hit me over the head. When you said "Everyone said I was the strong one...." When this all started 12/06 I of course talked to people who had/have known us for a very long time....there was not one person who thought my H left --- they thought I HAD GOTTEN sick of him and they said "You are the strong one.." Time and time again over this past year that is what I have heard. What is so funny is that I didn't see myself as strong. But I am beginning to.
I have been praying much about God leading me YES leading ME to file or not. AND I dont have peace either way so what I have learned in this journey is IF YOU DONT HAVE PEACE dont do anything. Reading your post reinforced that. It was something you said about being "Calm" and what I have always done in the past was try and get a "REACTION" out of my h. Right now - today it would be to say "SEE" or just try and get him to wake up...of which I KNOW I CANT.
So --- could we open this up for a question and answer thread? Sorry i jsut didn't know how else to do this... =)
M-20 years/BOMB 12/24/06 Moved out 3/12/07 D final 7/30/2008 finding myself again
I saw the subject of your thread and felt the need to comment. I have a 5 year plan. It started off as a way to keep me motivated. I didn't let my W know about it until I was DB'ing for 4 years.
You need to have plenty of patience and empathy to last this long. More important you need to work on yourself. Schedule frequent visits to a MC who's goal orientated. Venting on this BB helps, but the immeadiate feedback helps us keep our sanity.
I told you earlier that I told my W about my 4 year plan. It didn't have the effect as I desired. I thought she would say we don't have much time and I want work on our M. Instead she kept quiet and withdrew even further. Well it will be 5 years this April and I have that big decision to make or do I?
It's great to have a plan... not just any plan a complete plan. One with goals and techniques you can use when things get tough. I wrote my goals and then tucked them away in a draw. Goals stashed away don't help fight for a M.
My mistake is not having a complete plan. Sg, has created a DB'ing buddy thread for me. I'M STARTING ALL OVER. No it's not going to be like the last 5 years. This time I'm going to follow the DB book, establish some goals and make the necessary adjustments. My W doesn't want to leave b/c I've been making it difficult for her. How? By DB'ing, which is forcing her to look inward for the problems with our M.
Please pass this on to Meredith and if you or her need help - let me know.
Please see my Goals thread and pitch in with a few ideas. Our little internet community is only as strong as our members make it.
I saw your post and just wanted to let you know that I know that Mer never looks at the boards on the weekend. So, I will tell her to check this out on Monday morning.
You couldn't pick the brain of a wiser person. Meredith is kind, funny, and the smartest person I have ever had the pleasure of meeting.
Oh, and just so you know, of the 3 of us (me, Mer, and Betsey), we all would have bet the Meredith was the least likely to end up with her H!
Just goes to show how things can change.
Good luck to you. And, I am glad you posted. Mer and I were laughing about her being "the weird girl in the corner," since she was asked to post her story, and after she did the thread just kinda died.
I don't get it. I really don't. But I never really understood a lot of the stuff that happens on this BB.
For those of you who missed it, I am copying it here.
This is Merediths condensed version.....
My story? How much time do you have to spare? I’ll do the best I can though I’m sure it’ll be long! We're talking five years here!
Around Easter in 2003 (yes, there once was a time I could give you dates, times and clothing worn) my husband had an affair with a co-worker. I know that the affair was an emotional one, and physical is something I will likely never know for sure. I was shocked, I was disgusted, and I was a fighter and ready to take him down hard. We had a seven-month-old baby at the time. Long story short, I threw him out of the house despite his pleas to work on our marriage. In my world, cheating meant the chopping block, no questions asked.
Our marriage prior to the affair was not one of the ones you hear about as perfect. No one was incredibly shocked by H’s affair. No one fainted when I said that I was divorcing him. In fact, I was labeled the strong one. On the inside I knew that I wanted to be with him, however. That summer I let H sleep over (he had moved out) and we made family plans on the weekends. I had to keep it on the down low so that friends and family wouldn’t ostracize me for it. I was miserable. The flip side? He was thrilled! He had his bachelorhood during the week and his family on the weekend. Ugh.
That fall I found DB. How? No clue. I just remember reading the website and wanting to cry with relief. I could save MY marriage? Really? Mine???????? I started posting apprehensively, not at all sure what to expect. Somewhere along the way I met Betsey and soon after, Pam.
The three of us became thick as thieves and along with a few others began experimenting with different books, different methods, and different attitudes. We were all self-proclaimed “crazymakers” who had set out for reform. I put more money into books that year than my county library did. If it mentioned somewhere about marriage being saved, I owned it. Our relationship improved, but we didn’t get far with our marriage. I began to learn a whole heck of a lot about myself, though!
Summer 2004 I discovered that my husband was dating online. He even brought one such date to a friend’s wedding – while we were married and behind my back. The blow hit hard and I fell back. The thing was, when I started my journey as a divorce buster, I knew that I was going to have to be the one to file for divorce if we were divorcing. I wasn’t racing against the clock like the other posters, I knew full well that my husband was way too passive aggressive to file. So I made myself a hardcore rule. I wouldn’t file for divorce based upon an event. I could only file when I was calm and confident in my decision. So even though I wanted to go all balls out and serve his sorry you-know-what in front his entire work team, I refrained. I kept DBing. Where else in the world can you find out your husband is looking for your replacement and hear that it is okay?
Around this time I began to get really frustrated in general. Others were benefitting from my advice, but I wasn’t getting very far. MY husband wouldn’t cooperate! I read, I re-read, I realized all along I had missed the true essence of going dark. I wasn’t a patient person by nature so I would get sick of darkness easily and be lured out with the slightest crooked finger. To do it right that time, I had to make it into a challenge for myself.
My darkness began that fall. One year after my DB journey began and a year and a half after my husband had moved out. I did well with my darkness. I decided in the midst of it that my husband was too young for me (though he’s a calendar year older) and I was actually happier on my own without wondering, without waiting. I filed for divorce at the end of that year, calm and confident.
I’ve been rehashing that experience with a friend now, going through the same. It was brutal and awful and terrible, even when we entered into it on my decision and with clarity and without argument on division of assets and parenting time. I can’t imagine going through it with turmoil. Divorce was final in very early spring of 2005.
Our divorced relationship was a good one. We could finally let go of it all and just be. We co-parented beautifully, and I think a lot of that came from the calmness (if you can call it that) of the divorce. We never hated one another. We also lived our lives. Both of us dated, I was even engaged.
Fall of 2006 my ex-husband sent me an email. He shared his regret and his hopes for the future. I knew in my gut that it was the right thing to, but it wasn’t easy to end my engagement and follow my heart. We were married three months after and had our second child this past June.
There you go. The whole sordid mess. The threads are out there, though sporadic over the past few years. But you can see the things that pulled me into the person I am today. The person my husband actually began to want to be married to. The person who sat on the floor crying one month and the next had managed to learn how to live. I also managed to take a deep breath and analyze myself. I learned how to relinquish control. I learned how to not get attention through crazymaking. I learned that I’ll never be athletic when it comes to team sports, but I CAN bike ride, ski, and golf!
For those crying because things aren’t getting done around the house that you need help with? DO them. Yes, YOU. For those of you saying you can’t sleep at night – we’ve all been there but don’t let yourself get stuck there…reach outside of your comfort zone and learn meditation. Live as though you are going to be living like this for the rest of your life. You deserve happiness, and by goodness the only one who is going to deliver that is yourself.
You hear a lot on here about getting a life. That is the single most important part of the whole process. Don’t tell me you have no friends – join a group and make some! Don’t tell me you don’t have any money – get a second job doing something fun and make a little extra. Make those goals and stick to them, but make them about yourself. To change another person, that change always starts with you.
Ask me anything, I’m open to any question. At one point I earned the reputation of being mean because I had a no-nonsense approach to things like hatred directed toward the other woman and being a total push over for the WAS. That has probably stuck, but I’m not afraid to tell it like it is. So, ask away and I’m happy to offer advice where I can!
There can be no testimony without a test. I am praying to go through this test and come out the other end with a new and better marriage then before.
But that post by Meredith is awesome. And I really like this part:
Quote:
You hear a lot on here about getting a life. That is the single most important part of the whole process. Don’t tell me you have no friends – join a group and make some! Don’t tell me you don’t have any money – get a second job doing something fun and make a little extra. Make those goals and stick to them, but make them about yourself. To change another person, that change always starts with you.
