Tied to the Whipping Post

[hopefloats7]

Still pulling for you.
You're doing great.

[Punktmann]

Ali, Thanks for looking in on me.

Why is she sooo angry? I talked to my C about this, she said anger is the other side of depression. Might be they had repressed anger from childhood (so comes spilling out all over the place once they let it out as adults). I just wondered, do you know why shes angry, is she angry at you? At herself? At her old self? At the sitch?? Seems wierd shes so angry, I notice you have mentioned it before in your posts.


Well, I'm far from an expert, but until 3 years ago, I knew my W better than anyone. At this point, I've learned A LOT here. I've also talked intimately (not THAT way....) with a woman friend of mine who went through an MLC some time ago, and after 2 years, when her H dropped the rope and became involved with someone else, she WOKE UP all of a sudden like, (Sadly, her ex H said No-Way, too long...) She blames her D's substance abuse issues on the D, and the post D relationship w/ her ex H. She said that if she knew my W better, whe would call her and tell her what a big mistake she is making. Not that my W would hear her.

My W had a great childhood, and no problems that I know of previously.

Anyway, what I think is this.

She is lost. Just plain lost. Marriage sucks, work sucks, raising kids sucks.....

She just wants to be young, carefree, and party/fun again.

She wants that invigorating rush associated with "the new" again. She wants to talk to someone in depth the way she used to with me, to share those hopes and dreams..... but with me, you only have 15 sec. before you are interrupted by a (devilishly enchanting, smart, and witty,) urchin tugging on your sleeve.

She thinks it won't be that way with someone else. Perhaps it won't. For a few years at least.


IMHO, that anger comes from the "conscience" or whatever you want to call the part of your mind that tells you you are doing something wrong.

That little voice is telling her that she is wrong. This causes TREMENDOUS guilt. Guilt = pressure = anger for the MLCer. To justify her anger and avert the guilt / pressure, she needs me to fight with her, to be a jerk, so she can tell herself that she is doing the right thing b/c I am such an a$$.

By not allowing myself to engage her in an argument, I am (by inaction,) reinforcing that guilt, and this generates even more anger. She "knows" that I am mad at her for this, and she is even angrier w/ me for not responding that way.

The truth is that I am finally at that place where I understand her emotions a lot more, and this dissapates, not builds, anger.

She needs me to be angry to justify this D.

I played into this for so long I am embarrassed of my actions.

I'm back though, and I'm not angry now. Much.


I don't know about the childhood bit, b/c my W had a great family and upbringign, her MLC seems to be centered on "lost time." Or, I only have so much time to recapture my youth, and I need to get started on it RIGHT now.

Sad, I'm tough, hurting me is inconsequential.

Hurting our sons is something else.



Best to you Ali.


Punk.

[missmyfriend]

Punk, your sons is where your weakness lies and certain purveyors of lies like to take advantage of that weakness. I have the same weakness.

Don't allow that to be a weakness. Turn it into a strength.

I have confidence in you Punk. You have a lot of courage and you know where it comes from.

You are fighting for your entire family, never forget that. She is not your enemy.

[Punktmann]

MMF, no, you're right, she is not my enemy. I didn't mean to sound like she is, what I meant was that I can accept her leaving me, (even if I don't like it.) Leaving and wrecking their lives, I can't accept, I think that is wrong. Breaking a commitment to a self sufficient adult is different than breaking a commitment to your children.

She is my best friend. But she is lost.

The past month has nailed down the fact that she is in MLC, she even admitted it finally.

Even with all that, it's easy to slip back into reacting with anger sometimes. I've gotten very good at not doing that though, and I like that a lot.

I feel good, b/c I haven't felt nearly as much anger lately. I mostly just feel sorry for her that she is in this place.

Sometimes I do feel a little self-righteous anger when she says she wants me to sell the house, move into town and change their schools, I don't want to be controlled I guess.

I don't want to do those things, but if we were to stay married, I would do it for her. This brings the question, should I do it now?

Assuming worst case scenario, the D is forever, I wouldn't.

Things that make you go Hmmmmm.


" The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was convincing the world he did not exist."

[missmyfriend]

...Sometimes I do feel a little self-righteous anger when she says she wants me to sell the house, move into town and change their schools, I don't want to be controlled I guess.

I don't want to do those things, but if we were to stay married, I would do it for her. This brings the question, should I do it now?...

And that is the rub. How do you balance what you would do for your W if you thought it was something that might be a negative for yourself and your children?

In a way, and because the market is not good, I would be tempted to sell our house and move into something smaller and more cost effective but I don't, partially because this was where "we" wanted to raise our children. She also moved into an apartment where she is next to our subdivision. Now, if she moves closer to her work and she wants me to sell the house and move closer to her, would I?

I believe strongly in Ephesians 5:25 and 1 Corinthians 13. Does it conflict with deciding to stay in the house or where ever I choose to live? I don't think so.

Punk, is your intention to keep the house? Did you decide together to buy the house or were one of you more strongly opinionated in the purchase of the home? Is the house that important to keep?

While I think it is important to move or stay for the right reasons, I am in the mind that you are still married and that you have to assume that you are going to stay married. How would you discuss it if the M was not in jeopardy?

If God was sitting with you and discussing it, what advice do you think He might give?

[Punktmann]

MMF,

I believe strongly in Ephesians 5:25 and 1 Corinthians 13. Does it conflict with deciding to stay in the house or where ever I choose to live? I don't think so.

These are some things that give me pause in what I intend to stand for in the settlement and D.

I don't think that I am in conflict here, but there is always a nagging doubt.

She picked this place. I liked it, but I kept that in check and let her opinions take precedent so that I would feel assured that she was happy wherever we lived. (I didn't know about the impending MLC then.)



My intention is to keep the house, not to screw her over, as she claims, but b/c I will never be able to provide this sort of living arrangement for my sons again. I like living here, I like raising my sons here, I like the schools, I lke having a couple of acres for them to play on, I like the nearby public hunting and fishing, I like everything about this place, except that I don't like that my W doesn't like it.

Assuming that she remains my W, that is.

If the M was not in jeopardy, I would discuss moving as she wishes. More importantly, I would consider putting in for a transfer to her home state.

I've let her know these things early on in this sitch, but she saw them as me trying to buy her off. I can understand that.



If God was sitting with you and discussing it, what advice do you think He might give?

I've been thinking about that a lot.

A lot.

I think that He would tell me to do right by my sons first, and to consider what she wants when she is back in her right mind.

I always wonder if that is telling myself what I want to hear though.

That can be an easy thing to do.

Right now, I really believe that keeping the house, and keeping them in this school district, is better for my boys. It's the only home that either of them remember, and I can't fathom pulling my S7 out of school where he is doing well, and putting him into a big city school where he knows no-one. I believe that minimizing change and disruption is good for them.

That is the path I am choosing.

The only reason that I would choose to move would be to make her happy.

She is not herself right now, so I can't see agreeing to that.

Thanks man.

[sleeper]

Punktmann,

I've got to respond to missmyfriend's question, hope it helps.

Early in this crisis, after moving to a place of my own which is very quiet when the kids are not with me, I believe I was able to "hear" answers to my prayers. This is what I heard:

"Have patience"

"This had to happen"

"Do what Jesus expects of you"

I also heard a specific answer to my prayer, "what should I do"? The answer........

"Do nothing"

The last is the one I have struggled with the most.

As far as the house goes I understand where you're coming from. If you can keep it and provide as much stability for your children as possible, I say go for it. They need as much stability as we can provide right now, your W's feelings are secondary by comparison.

[missmyfriend]

Punk, I think you are understanding what you are supposed to do. If staying put is what you think your family needs, and you know it does no harm to your family, then you should rest easy.

Sleeper put it extremely well when he shared his experience. This is not to say that the course of action could be the opposite. I believe at times we need to learn patience, make decisions based upon the right reasons and understand that the love of our life may be upset with us...for the time being. Eventually, they will understand and appreciate that we were the rock for the family.

[Punktmann]

Drew,

I've got to respond to missmyfriend's question, hope it helps.

Early in this crisis, after moving to a place of my own which is very quiet when the kids are not with me, I believe I was able to "hear" answers to my prayers. This is what I heard:
"Have patience"

"This had to happen"

"Do what Jesus expects of you"

I also heard a specific answer to my prayer, "what should I do"? The answer........

"Do nothing"

The last is the one I have struggled with the most.

As far as the house goes I understand where you're coming from. If you can keep it and provide as much stability for your children as possible, I say go for it. They need as much stability as we can provide right now, your W's feelings are secondary by comparison.

Drew, thank you for this.

I was mostly taking a break from the boards, but I read this when you wrote it, and it had a big impact on me.

Especially,

"Do nothing"

Thanks again.

[Punktmann]

Well, it's time. I'll be moving on to the Surviving forum now.

I wanted to stand, but she crossed the line.

Today we had our divorce settlement conference.


She tried to take my kids away from me.

Her atty stated that the only reason that they wanted full custody vs shared, was b/c she wanted to change their school district.



My parental contact with my children meant less to her than her convenience.

She risked my ability to raise my sons for next to nothing.


I'm done. Trust is finally done.



I'll be around here and there with some of you, but I am moving on to surviving.


Thank all of you for your help and support. I can't tell you enough how much I appreciate it.


I would encourage everyone to stand.

Marriage is worth it.

Family is worth it.



Best,

Punkt