I feel I have to make a stand like you did (in another context). You are so right about really letting go or "showing" and "acting". Am I ready to move on? I am close. Closer than ever before. How long is long enough? Do I really want him back? What kind of reassurance should he be prepared to give me? Is he capable of something like that: real committement and maturity and boldness and honesty? I doubt it. I doubt all and everything he is right now.
I kept quiet today. Been on the boards, reading success and not so successful stories, had a girfriend over for a coffee, read books. I purposely made him believe I'll be away for the weekend not directly, "used" the kids, I had planned to, but changed my mind but didn't tell them I wasn't going afterall. So their impression was "mommy will go skiing" and I am sure they told him. He called an hour ago a couple of times, I didn't answer, he called on my mobile, I texted back "I can't talk to you right now, everything Ok?". "Our son just threw up, hasn't been feeling well..." GUILT all over me. But then I thought he is with his dad, the last 3 months I've been taking care of them through the illnesses and everything. He can take care of them for one night. I responded "ok, let know how it goes".
My C called in the afternoon. He took the kids to her practice. She said he looked calm for the first time "I actually saw him smile, haven't seen him smile before, he was relaxed, he looks so much better". Well, my gut feeling tells me he has made up his mind and feels free all of the sudden. If that's the case, I hope he has the nerve to tell me before 2010.
Why am I being like this? Something really broke inside the last few days. Could it be that appreciation I was shown made it so clear how little I've been getting from him and got me very sad and dissappointed? I must be very vulnerable as you guys said. Until now, nothing could touch him and the "sacred idea of him" in my head. He is loosing his charms incredibly fast.What a waste! It is such a pitty for both of us and our kids...
Thanks fb2 Kalni
Ps I hope I am feeling better tommorow, I need to restore my faith.
