Thanks. He came, he left. Avoided eye contact, didn't ask me how I am doing, nothing. I was looking, good, acted happy and wished them fun. He was friendly but in a typical way.
Lan, I knew you would comment on my PS if you came around us newcomers and read it. I was hoping you would. This guy knows what I am going through. He has been helping cope with work issues all this time I was unable to focus on anything else but my H. And he actually says he won't do a thing before I know what's really happening between me & H. I guess he is willing to waste 10 years of his life (!!) because that's where we are heading. But, we had a discussion when he very frankly admitted what he feels about me, how much he would like to be by mysdie and how much he appreciates me. And that was a very refreshing intermission to all this sh$$t I've been taking from my H the last year. When I got home that night, I was thinking, well, if this doesn't work out, there may be more people out there willing to try to give ME what I deserve. And I wouldn't have to beg, plead or DB for it.
I told you before, I would kill for a hug, a kiss, a caring question, something that would show emotion from my H. Anything would do the trick to keep me going for another year. But besides his changed attitude which remains to the the friendly level, I get nothing, NOTHING. I am not questioning my love for him. But I can't help thinking he probably was honest when he said he doesn't love me anymore. And that hurts.
Looks like your rollercoaster has just taken a dip and your vulnerability is beginning to show, keep strong . It's good that Mr Nice guy has helped you with your work issues but it has to be kept at that despite all of the nice thing he's saying to you. It great to feel appreciated but we've got real work to do in other areas.
In my case I had family and friend commenting on how well I was looking and doing and that really boosted me, and it was them that let me know that know that I'd be ok if it didn't work out with W.
I'm reading back through you sitch to see if I can pick up anything as to why you H's attitude has changed, I'll get back to you on that
But as I said before keep strong, four weeks ago I was outside of W emotional circle of trust, but the speed of change I've seen lately has really surprised me. I'm sure the same can happen for you.
Lan
Me:50 W: 49 T:20yrs M: 14 yrs D:11 2005 PA 2006: EA (2003 : 2007) 2007: April ILYBNILWY Aug PA, Sept Separate 2008: Feb Piecing 2009 Limbo 2011: Separated (same house) 2013: Divorcing
Hi Lan, is it morning where you are? (just wondering)
I just had a long conversation with a friend who kept telling me that I put myself in a waiting mode and that he never said I should wait for him. I agree and disagree at the same time.
He stopped all legal separation paperwork, he has said he is thinking about recon., he has been calling a lot more than he did, he starts small talk with me very often (he called recently to share with me the last 2 things he experienced for the first time in his life in this last trip he had). He even suggested to take his car insurance and give it to my first cousin to insure it (it is her job). I would never create more connections of any kind with a person I am thinking it is over with. On the contrary. It is definitely obvious he is not completely detached, but it is obvious he doesn't feel in his heart there is a reason to try in our M again. I know 2,5 close to 3 months of separation have actually brought us closer than further appart but I do not know how much longer I can take this. He hasn't initiated a conersation about us until now. Never. The last I heard from him in person was that he doesn't feel a thing about me and that our marriage was an awful mistake...
My gut feeling tells me I have to show him (not tell him) that I am ready to move on, really move on this time despite my feelings for him. I just don't know how to do that. He is taking his time enjoying the fact I haven't been pushing him AT ALL (except a couple of text msgs where I said I miss him and the calendar I sent him which he loved) but that is all. I even reassure him about how well our kids are coping with all this mess (true but mainly beacuse of my efforts). I don't even call him more than twice a month. And that's different to my usual behaviour.
But he knows I am in our home, taking care of our children the best way I know, I am there for him anytime he will need my help and that's it. I am not sure he realises how close I am to give up because I have made it clear so many times in the past I am here for him, having faith in our "bond". So he enjoys the luxury of time (and probably not all he is enjoying right now) but hasn't got anything pushing him to finally make a decision about ous. It's like what everybody says having the cake and eat it.
Any suggestions on actions that would get the message clear to him are very very welcome. I think I am on day away from filing my self for D. Maybe THAT would get him going.
Kalni
PS He is my H and I do love him, but I have never met a man acting the way he is (reading the threads here, sounds like some of us were really lucky with our choices, or just to blind to see). Maybe my C is right. Maybe he is no good for me.
He stopped all legal separation paperwork, he has said he is thinking about recon., he has been calling a lot more than he did, he starts small talk with me very often ...
Look at this in a positive light.
Originally Posted By: Kalni
I would never create more connections of any kind with a person I am thinking it is over with. On the contrary.
I sense your frustration - he's so near yet so far.
Originally Posted By: Kalni
The last I heard from him in person was that he doesn't feel a thing about me and that our marriage was an awful mistake...
Ouch! But remember not to believe what you hear.
Originally Posted By: Kalni
My gut feeling tells me I have to show him (not tell him) that I am ready to move on, really move on this time despite my feelings for him.
The hard part about this is you actually accepting the reality of moving on; that's what I struggle with more than the "acting" and "showing" part; you would need to feel the real and intense pain of this. Right now you feel like getting him by the collar or throwing a bucket of cold water on him so he wakes up and comes to his senses about what he's putting you and the family thru'. True detachment is something most of use cannot achieve. When you truly "give up" you will probably not want him back tho' he may want to come back. That's the irony of this mess we're in. He is already getting the message loud and clear from everything you have said and done. Sadly what you or I consider to be "love" the WAS does not. Find ways to detach lovingly. Remember its not over until its over. One other thing I second what Lan says about the guy at your work; you are so vulnerable at this time; so stick with close family and true friends.
Me-48, W-38 M14, D11, S7 W filed D 01/07 W had to move out 06/07 Current Thread
Sometimes I feel like I am reading about myself when I read your thread Kalni. I too feel I need to show H I'm ready to move on even though I'm not. I took a big risk today but I won't talk about that here. It must feel great knowing that there is someone interested in you and there is some kind of hope out there for a future. I agree that you need to resolve your R w/ your H first and see if there is a future with him. Stay strong.
I feel I have to make a stand like you did (in another context). You are so right about really letting go or "showing" and "acting". Am I ready to move on? I am close. Closer than ever before. How long is long enough? Do I really want him back? What kind of reassurance should he be prepared to give me? Is he capable of something like that: real committement and maturity and boldness and honesty? I doubt it. I doubt all and everything he is right now.
I kept quiet today. Been on the boards, reading success and not so successful stories, had a girfriend over for a coffee, read books. I purposely made him believe I'll be away for the weekend not directly, "used" the kids, I had planned to, but changed my mind but didn't tell them I wasn't going afterall. So their impression was "mommy will go skiing" and I am sure they told him. He called an hour ago a couple of times, I didn't answer, he called on my mobile, I texted back "I can't talk to you right now, everything Ok?". "Our son just threw up, hasn't been feeling well..." GUILT all over me. But then I thought he is with his dad, the last 3 months I've been taking care of them through the illnesses and everything. He can take care of them for one night. I responded "ok, let know how it goes".
My C called in the afternoon. He took the kids to her practice. She said he looked calm for the first time "I actually saw him smile, haven't seen him smile before, he was relaxed, he looks so much better". Well, my gut feeling tells me he has made up his mind and feels free all of the sudden. If that's the case, I hope he has the nerve to tell me before 2010.
Why am I being like this? Something really broke inside the last few days. Could it be that appreciation I was shown made it so clear how little I've been getting from him and got me very sad and dissappointed? I must be very vulnerable as you guys said. Until now, nothing could touch him and the "sacred idea of him" in my head. He is loosing his charms incredibly fast.What a waste! It is such a pitty for both of us and our kids...
Thanks fb2 Kalni
Ps I hope I am feeling better tommorow, I need to restore my faith.
I think you must be on a down dip of the rollercoaster, but you sound so sad, so you must still care for him? But he is testing you to the limits. Can you think about anymore 180s? I just noticed you saying you were reassuring him that the kids are fine in all this...have yuo always protected him in that way? Would he respond if he had more responsibility for their welfare or would that drive him further away? I dont know, it was just a thought to see if theres any more 180s you can do. Seems you are in a bit of a "holding pattern". I dont blame you for feeling that it is unfair, how could he not notice you??? Its no wonder that guy at work has, I bet you are looking good and giving off a powerful vibe, with all your DBing efforts.
As for your friend, we all get innappropriate advice it seems from well meaning friends. This DBing stuff is a deliberate decision that goes against normal human reactions (cry/wail/scream/get mad/cut the legs off their suit trousers etc!). They may advise, but until you're in this sitch, you cant say how you would react.
I wish I had some better advice to help you, but I am on a learning curve myself! I send you a cyberhug instead (((((Kalni)))))
Ali x ________________ Me: 36 H: 34 LT: 9 years ILYBINILWY: 2 Nov 07 Own apartment: 26 Jan 08 3 months on
Me:40! H:37 Together: 12yrs IDLY & left 11/07 ADs 03/08 OW 8/08 Reconciled 05/09 now married! my thread
This is a good morning greeting to you, as I could see that you hit a low yesterday (ssshh, it's morning here too but don't tell anyone).
I haven't got much advice for you today because you are doing all of the right things. I know your H is seeing your changes it's just that he's not reacting in the way we want him to. If I did have to say anything to you, it would be to remain consistent in your actions and be patient.
In my sitch W has told me that she noticed my changes but she thought things like the new clothes and the GAL we're just macho bravo, but she was surprised that I kept them up and they were infact the new me. That's when she started to warm to me.
So keep consistent and keep positive, me and all your other friends are here for when you hit a plateau like this and you just need to talk, journal, vent etc.
Good Morning Lan (between you & me, no one will know),
You think I hit a low yesterday, huh? Let's see today. I know you may think I am crazy, but everytime I forget to read "The Secret" for a while, I am loosing my positive attitude about all this.
One question, I 've asked before, I am asking again, what do you do when you hit a plateau like the one I am right now? You say stay consistent. I am as far as he is concerned. Honestly!! He sees the same Kalni for nearly 2 months now. Everybody sees the same me because I feel better(only you guys are the ones that see my emotional rollercoaster and my best friend).
Do you think I should go dark a bit, do some heavy duty Galing (my trip to the States cancelled because of my friend, unfortunately)? I have been Galing enough but it is difficult having the kids on my own and be able to do things outside the -known to him- routine...
I'll have a coffee and post some more.
Kalni
PS I watched a movie last night "The eternal sunshine of the spotless mind". It's old, have you seen it? The power of love..
By the way Lan, have you seen "The story of us"? If not, go get it..., it is a great movie.
