Been reading the boards for quite some time. Thought I'd put my first post up to get some support...I'm having a really hard time. Me: 38, W:43, together 8yrs, very emotionally connected and close relationship (so I thought) but sexual relshp fallen off over last 2-3 yrs. ILYBNILWY end November. Absolutely devastated and no clue this was coming; she said she had hidden this feeling from even herself, so I couldn't have known(!?). Thing is, we were so close and spent a lot of time together. Wife high achiever, v.stressed from her work a lot. She never said "relshp over" but rather "I'm moving out"; a 6 month trial separation. She said she wondered if she was having an MLC...that she is getting older and that sex is important to her. That our relshp is wonderful in so many ways but that this part has been missing for some time now and she is scared that time is running out in her life for this, in a sense. 9This sounds like MLC, right...?)
Since then, largely email contact. She initiated an invite to get together for a walk once and I did once. Both seemed positive experiences (for both of us) and we talked about day to day stuff but also some good connection re: R talk.
I did the usual clinging, devastated, pleading, crying, etc. thing for the first 5 weeks. Been DBng for 3 weeks now...it's really hard! But here are my changes so far:
-no more ILY or I miss you in emails (what was I thinking?!) -no requests for get together or R talks -keeping emails lighter, using humour too at times -keeping emails brief, or matched to her length -not asking much about her life, though conveying positive wishes for her to have a good day /week etc.
I've been in IC, exercising, eating better bc. Trying to connect with v. limited # friends I have, reading DB boards and learning about MLC. Doing better at work, but I still feel anxious and like crap every day. So hard to not obsess.
After 1st walk, about 3 weeks ago, W. asked what I thought about going out to a production in Feb (really emphasizing as FRIENDS ONLY. I said "sure".
After 2nd wlk W. said she'd be open to MC, but w/focus on exploring vs. reconciling. Said one may or may not lead to the next, and that sometimes things just end because that's as far as it can go. Appointment booked for next week.
Since then (2 weeks ago) no walks. Usually daily or every 2nd day email contact. She stopped picking up her mail from the place a couple of weeks ago, now asks me to leave it for her at a place we both drop by independently once per week. Makes me feel she's pulling back.
I've been really working hard and I know it's only a few weeks. I'm trying so hard to GAL, but it is very difficult. Really didn't / don't have much in my own life outside of her and work. I really identify with LBS's on boards reading about the mood swings, sense of rejection, questioning of self and the other, confusion and generally craziness of the whole experience!
-I know my wife has clearly said that I've been by far the most important person / loving relationship in her life and that she loves me very very much, but that it's been a long time since feeling sexually toward me. (No OM / PA, though I thought this was a possibility). When a WAS says ILYBNILWY, what are some of the meanings of this?
-It it so hard to go from being such a central part of a person's life and vice versa, to suddenly feeling like a distant acquaintance. I'm struggling a lot with this!
-Why should we believe "none of what we hear and half of what we see?" I keep reading this is DB and the boards, but can someone tell me why again?!
-I feel so hopeless sometimes...like I move from utterly hopeless to slightly hopeless!
Thanks for any support or ideas...I know I must be patient and that this is hard as he**. I'm feeling lost at sea and trying to get grounded, but still flailing about. Sorry for my lengthy babble. I hope some of it make sense.
