Funny how what I would have thought to be the worst thing ever (seeing H with ogre) has turned out to be one of the best things to happen to me. I'm more detached from H than I've ever been and it feels really good. The part that bothers me is how can I be happy to no longer be attracted to my H and to no longer have the desire to work towards saving my M when it was the most important thing to me before. How can I shift from wanting to save my M to almost looking forward to no longer wanting to be M to H? I still believe in all those things that I believed in before, especially for my boys. So how can I justify being ok with a D? I've reached the point of really accepting my M to end in D, but unfortunately, the guilt is keeping me from really 'enjoying' the moment.
Lots of family gatherings lately, but they've been without incident. H has been around and then not, as expected. We have very little to say to each other. I'm turned off by what a dork he has become with his computer game - now talking to friends online with his headset about what he's doing in the game. The guy is in his mid-30s. I'm embarrassed for him just thinking about it.
I've become so much more comfortable lately telling people that I'm separated. I've even told my parents to please tell our extended family, as they are totally unaware. Maybe I've finally reached acceptance?
I'm not saying I'm closing the door forever on H. Just on who he is now. Not to mention he isn't even willing to work on things, so why do I need to keep it open? If a new and improved H ever comes knocking, I'll open it for him again. But at this point, he's got as good a chance as anyone else who comes knocking (not that I'm getting involved in any R's).
UD: I don't *need* the money, but a few extra bucks never hurts. Plus, if I don't take it, H will either spend it on himself or the ogre, so I'd rather save it for/spend it on me or the boys. My savings could definitely use it. Actually, accepting it is a more of a 180 for me, because before (and still) I have a problem accepting gifts.
peace: Maybe it's hard for us to be grateful because we're looking for something to make up for the damage our H's have caused by leaving, and obviously, no gift or minor deed will ever make up for that. If it came from a stranger, we would be so much more grateful. Since my H has practically become a stranger in 18 short months after 17 years of knowing him, I should treat his gestures like I would if they came from a stranger.
OC: I realized today that I'm not actually doing all that I can to get H back, if you consider being the most attractive me as DBing. Honestly, like I said above, I'm just not sure if I want my H back so I don't feel the need to make him want me. I'm purposely (?) not showing him all of who I am now maybe out of fear that he actually WILL come back. Yes, that was my original goal and it would be best for the children, but I think I said in a previous post, lately all I can remember is the bad stuff. I have fond memories of our time together and I know what we had was good. But maybe this is who my H really is now and he certainly isn't anyone I want to spend the rest of my life with. This week was surprisingly easy and even enjoyable. I'm hoping it doesn't mean a crash is coming!
Spoke to a friend earlier who said that H actually told him that the boys don't need a father and they'll be ok without one because he grew up without his dad around.
