Funny how what I would have thought to be the worst thing ever (seeing H with ogre) has turned out to be one of the best things to happen to me. I'm more detached from H than I've ever been and it feels really good. The part that bothers me is how can I be happy to no longer be attracted to my H and to no longer have the desire to work towards saving my M when it was the most important thing to me before. How can I shift from wanting to save my M to almost looking forward to no longer wanting to be M to H? I still believe in all those things that I believed in before, especially for my boys. So how can I justify being ok with a D? I've reached the point of really accepting my M to end in D, but unfortunately, the guilt is keeping me from really 'enjoying' the moment.
Lots of family gatherings lately, but they've been without incident. H has been around and then not, as expected. We have very little to say to each other. I'm turned off by what a dork he has become with his computer game - now talking to friends online with his headset about what he's doing in the game. The guy is in his mid-30s. I'm embarrassed for him just thinking about it.
I've become so much more comfortable lately telling people that I'm separated. I've even told my parents to please tell our extended family, as they are totally unaware. Maybe I've finally reached acceptance?
I'm not saying I'm closing the door forever on H. Just on who he is now. Not to mention he isn't even willing to work on things, so why do I need to keep it open? If a new and improved H ever comes knocking, I'll open it for him again. But at this point, he's got as good a chance as anyone else who comes knocking (not that I'm getting involved in any R's).
UD: I don't *need* the money, but a few extra bucks never hurts. Plus, if I don't take it, H will either spend it on himself or the ogre, so I'd rather save it for/spend it on me or the boys. My savings could definitely use it. Actually, accepting it is a more of a 180 for me, because before (and still) I have a problem accepting gifts.
peace: Maybe it's hard for us to be grateful because we're looking for something to make up for the damage our H's have caused by leaving, and obviously, no gift or minor deed will ever make up for that. If it came from a stranger, we would be so much more grateful. Since my H has practically become a stranger in 18 short months after 17 years of knowing him, I should treat his gestures like I would if they came from a stranger.
OC: I realized today that I'm not actually doing all that I can to get H back, if you consider being the most attractive me as DBing. Honestly, like I said above, I'm just not sure if I want my H back so I don't feel the need to make him want me. I'm purposely (?) not showing him all of who I am now maybe out of fear that he actually WILL come back. Yes, that was my original goal and it would be best for the children, but I think I said in a previous post, lately all I can remember is the bad stuff. I have fond memories of our time together and I know what we had was good. But maybe this is who my H really is now and he certainly isn't anyone I want to spend the rest of my life with. This week was surprisingly easy and even enjoyable. I'm hoping it doesn't mean a crash is coming!
Spoke to a friend earlier who said that H actually told him that the boys don't need a father and they'll be ok without one because he grew up without his dad around.
SH You do sound like you turned a corner I think it is a good place moving ahead..if H makes a shift or decides to knock you are there and will consider if not, well nothing we can do i think the DBing allows for us to maintain a friendship on a small level with our H in MLC without DB, we probably would have closed the door or they would have run so far from all the whining that no intersction would be possible DB keeps door open if H wnats to return It teaches us to GAL an dbe happy where we are preety important lesson i think for us stay strong peace
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
sh- Just think...you feared running into your H and the OW...it happened and you are okay...fear conquered. We empower ourselves if we face our fears (intentionally or not) and find out we are still okay.
Your H is avoiding grown up. I think it is the exact same thing my XH did. Hopefully your H will decide to man-up someday soon but regardless, you are seeing who your H is right now and recognizing that he isn't the man you need him to be...that is good. He could be someday but you can't spend your life waiting for that to happen. Go and enjoy your life...and who knows what will happen.
You sound like you are in a good place. I hope you continue...and go enjoy each and every minute with your boys before they become yucky teenagers.
Thanks for all your support. Not much to report and I don't feel like I'm truly Dbing anymore, so I don't post much these days. Being away from the site has helped with detachment too.
I still see H on weekends. He's been nicer lately. Treating me with more respect (which translates into him saying Hi and Bye and even looking at me when he says it). He occasionally asks questions about the boys or makes comments about them. I usually have very little to say to him. He's a stranger to me and I think it shows in how I've been responding to him lately. I'm able to laugh and have a good time with the rest of his family who I'm so much closer to now. But with H, it's gone.
I have a better understanding of why NC can be good for some. With time and detachment, it's been easier to leave all of what happened in the past. A friend asked me the other day if I was angry at my H and I could honestly say that I'm not. It all feels like so long ago, although there are definitely moments where I feel I'm still caught up in all of it. But that's exactly what they are - moments that come and go, like when I get in my car after work, or when I'm walking down the aisle in the supermarket. I think of H like I do of an old boyfriend. Our time together was good but it's in the past.
I do hope to continue feeling this way because I really do feel like I'm ready for anything that comes my way. Finally.
SH Maybe its time the detachment of H and leaving boards Maybe it goes hand in hand when we are truly ready to let go sounds like your there Im also getting glimses of letting go more im not totally done with this yet but if you feel that you are you have to follow that too
glad your H is being nicer and your days are better and freer from this peace
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
Hi sh- We have missed you here but I understand that part of detaching more from your H would include detaching from this bb as well.
Do you think your H is being nicer because he senses your detachment? Regardless, it is a good thing for you and your boys. I hope it does continue.
Quote:
I have a better understanding of why NC can be good for some. With time and detachment, it's been easier to leave all of what happened in the past.
This is true. If you don't have the "space" it can take a lot more time to detach.
I think it is so strange how we somehow get to these places where we just know it is time to let go that much more. It is almost like we are rock climbing and making it up to higher plateaus. We will eventually make it to the top and be completely free of all ropes.
I am happy that you are getting to such a good place. I hope you will continue to check in with us to let us know how you are doing.
H bought S5 a phone over a month ago. About a year back when he suggested it, I said no, but then I didn't mind when he got it because it meant that I wouldn't have to talk to him at all unnecessarily. When I asked about it, H made a comment about how it was on his account. He never mentioned it was a number that belonged to H that he's since stopped using.
Anyway, S5 received a message today:
Hi H, if you're going to (club) tonight, can you give me the $ you owe me for (old restaurant) (ogre) and blah blah blah. A*hole friend (who we all told him not to hire, but he did anyway, and later fired)
S5 is really good at reading and saw that it was a message for his dad. I think he read it - or at least tried - then later gave it to me to read. I acted nonchalant about it, trying to make it no big deal so S5 wouldn't make a big deal out of it (I was pissed though, that S5 was accidentally getting a message like that, esp. with ogre's name in it). S5 calls H to tell him he got a message for him. I can tell H is asking S5 what it says and keeps asking. I finally took the phone from S and kinda brusquely told H I'll forward him the message and not to ask S5 about the message again. H said ok and I hung up. I called back a second later and told him that S5 won't be using that number anymore. H said ok (probably because ogre was with him and he couldn't talk to me).
The reason H got S5 the phone in the first place was so they could talk to each other. H has initiated a call to him once only, and that was to tell him he was on his way to pick him up on a Saturday. I talked to S5 and said that there's no need for him to have a phone. Luckily, he was fine with the idea, so I'll be taking the phone away until he's older/needs it.
I'm pissed for a number of reasons about this incident - H is still clubbing, mentioning the restaurant H hid from me and went into debt for ogre, he was supporting ogre and her friends, he still owes people money - a*hole friend hit on possibly every sore topic reminding me of H's bad choices.
Then on the other hand I don't really care. I just wish that it hadn't involved my S5. I'm even annoyed at having had to speak to H today the way I did. I can take a lot of crap that comes my way, but not if it goes anywhere near my kids. That's where I have to draw the line.
I'll see H briefly tomorrow at MIL's. I'm sure the phone issue will come up - he'll probably offer to get S5 a new number.
I feel so finished with this, then I read about steelers' H and it gives me hope - and then that recent article posted by bombardier that validates everything I think my H is going through. And then sometimes I think, my H is just a complete idiot who threw it all away for a cheap piece of @ss that could've been bought by anyone else, but is so ugly that noone else even wanted her. But that's the reality of the situation if you take away all the things 'I think' are going on - my H left me for a bar hostess.
Strangely, despite all that's happened, I can still envision a happy ending for us eventually. It's upsetting that H can't do the same.
SH I miss seeing(reading) your stuff around here You have wisdom and strength I know what you mean I too received hope from steelers sitch and Im going to reread bomb post sorry your son got involved in text message and I can understand your anger I feel the same way the poor choices and in the end they will have lost everything I think My H is too way overspending and overdue bills insurance ect are coming here It is sad but maybe it is the only way to really surrender..to hit a bottom for them to realize happiness cant be bought or found in another R or clubbing ect It can be had for the price of surrender and it takes what it takes to figure it out they are so lost right now and going deeper into the hole a lonely empty place with only one way out and they will have to figure that out maybe no money will be left as we have read on others threads but we will be ok in fact many of us are getting there now and the best is going to come I just read the prodigals perspective(thru charlene cares) it is hopeful to see why/what they are thinking written by a prodigal peace
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
Ugh. Back to posting. Detachment level goes down this time of the month, but thankfully only lasts a few days.
I didn't really speak to H this weekend. When I arrived for dinner, he was just finishing and offered me his seat. I declined (which I almost always do when he offers me something - maybe I need to change that and just say thank you). I was happy to not have to sit through dinner with him though. When I left, he went back to his ways of not looking at me or saying bye to me. No mention of the phone incident.
Lately, I've been having dreams at night of H returning and things being good. The strange thing is that I also have clear thoughts on moving forward with D, but this happens when I've fallen asleep for a short period of time then wake up (like when putting boys to bed and passing out for half an hour or so). I wake up thinking things like 'I can't believe I've been so stupid for so long' and 'H will never wake up/change'. The feeling of being finished is so intense. Mostly, I can't believe how idiotic H is. When this occurs, it almost feels like I'm getting a glimpse of how I'll feel years after D is over and done with. Really strange and hard to explain. Especially since dreams at night of H returning are so vivid and hopeful.
I read on another site that MLCer's have typically experienced a previous 'internal upheaval' and that the MLC will probably last as long as the first upheaval lasted.
That got me thinking about H's history with dealing with conflict, which is basically avoiding it. It's a defective gene that runs in his family (and hopefully will not be passed down to my boys). With strangers, he can be very confrontational. H and his brother are the type to throw the first punch at a club if provoked (H doesn't anymore, to my knowledge, but BIL does, even at his age). With family, it's avoid, avoid, avoid.
H just doesn't have the tools necessary to come out of this. The foundation is missing. The past internal upheaval was never resolved. I see no hope for H coming out of this. At least not any time soon. In the beginning of this, H even said that he imagines himself 10, 20, 30 years later sitting in a bar in a foreign country by himself, wondering what the hell the did and regretting his actions.
It's been 19 months now. I won't do this for 101 more. When I look only at the facts, the outlook for our M is dismal.
peace: I laughed when you said I have wisdom and strength. Sure doesn't feel like it most days, but thank you for that. I believe hitting bottom is a necessary step too, but I just can't see it happening in my H's sitch. My MIL will always bail him out financially, and I think that plays a big part. I also think that no matter how bad the R with ogre his, she won't leave him. Unless she found an even dumber sugar daddy with more money to waste on her, she has a good life with H that I can't imagine a person with very little self-respect would give up and go back to living how she lived before H rescued her. She won't ever give up her new lifestyle and I think H would have a hard time letting go of her, knowing she would be going back to nothing. He's dug himself in a hole so deep, I don't even think he knows which way is up anymore. I certainly hope you're right that the best is yet to come. I can believe that for myself, just not sure it holds true for my M.
