Piecing? Sexual issues? hmm...not sure

[Michael Mc C]

Piecing may be a good place to try out. I have seen that in many cases once the WAS makes the decision to reconcile, the LBS is suddenly faced with doubts. Your situation is different but your feelings are probably very similar to what the folks there have felt.

In my case I believe my wife had a "sexual awakening". Like you I believe she has a very hard time speaking to me about her desires - although she has no problem talking to others about it. I'm not sure how to overcome that. It's as if she's afraid I'm going to judge her.

[Michael Mc C]

Some additional thoughts Mom. You said that you miss the OM still so I wonder if that's getting in the way of you finding your H attractive at this point. You've already said that you love your H and that he's a wonderful man, just no chemistry. Is this lack of chemistry the same thing you felt back in college?

My W told me the same thing this past Monday. She didn't say that she misses the OM (but it is evident). She told me that she loves me but not as a husband - she doesn't need the marriage (or any marriage), she needs the friendship. As far as attraction goes, she said it's just not there.

Something drew the two of you together though. Do you know (even if you can't vocalize it) what's missing? Do you have any ideas what your H may need to do to reignite romance/attraction? I'm not saying that you should expect your husband to change for you but two things I do believe:

1) He probably isn't even aware of what turns you off
2) He is probably very willing to modify his behavior, provided his principles aren't compromised (but don't assume, let him tell you whether or not it's something he can do)

One of my concerns about forcing any action in my own situation is that I know my W still misses the OM. We have come a long way since mid-December (when OM walked away). If she can overcome that sense of loss, I believe we would be in much better shape to move forward - one way or the other.

[sgctxok]

Hi, mom.

I'd like to see you move to SSM, read Sex-Starved Wife, visit sexstarvedwife.com AND call Dotty or Joann for SSW coaching.
800-664-2435 or 303-444-7004

These two coaches are amazing....and I think can help tremendously.

[hopeforfuture]

Mom of 2,
You haven't posted on here in a few days. Are you still looking at the boards? Anyway, I've been wanting to post a response on your thread so here goes...

Retrovaille went VERY well. H and I really connected had great sex in the days after, but then reality kicks in again. My lack of desire for my husband has returned. I love him but I am just not interested in having that kind of relationship with him. Something about him just turns me off, I am not turned on by him AT ALL. I can't figure it out. He's a very good looking man, lot's of women find him attractive, etc. I just don't feel the chemistry.

I haven't seen or talked to OG since the last big blow up - 3 or 4 weeks now. I miss OG terribly, but have made a promise that I would not contact him ever again. Yet I don't know what to do about my lack of attraction to my H.

Retrovaille is great at getting us to talk and connect that way, but it is not helping me desire him any more than I have for past 13 years.

Isn't it possible to just love someone as your best friend but not sexually.

Sure it is possible to love someone just a friend, but I see the physical bond and the intimacy as what sets a marriage apart from other relationships. I think the physical intimacy is essential in a marriage and part of what builds such a close connection. It is a different form of communication and really is a gift to each other. (not to mention exciting and fun)

Why is this so hard for him to understand? Why don't I feel this for him?

I think it may be hard for him to understand because he does realize that you are a very sexual person and most of the time, the sex really is great and mutually fulfilling. I don't know why you don't feel this at this time. Please be patient though. Part of it may be the lingering feelings from OG. Part of it may be restoring the emotional connection with H. Both cases require time to get there, but I know that H is willing to make that investment for a stronger and more fulfilling relationship.

Anyway, I should give advice, and it's this: Love is a decision. Are you going to love your H or not? If the answer is no or I'll tolerate him as long as possible, then cut him loose. He'll be better off without you. If you make the decision that you'll love him, then start loving him without all this baggage of, "I never loved him. Something about him bugged me. I'm not attracted to him." Just make the conscious effort to show him love, and show him in his love language (you should read the 5 love languages, by Gary Chapman and so should your husband). And he'll likely show you love back. But it might not be the way you want to be loved, so try the book together, and be honest about how you want to be loved. Armed with that knowledge, you might start feeling love and an interest in sex may blossom. But, you should realize that sometimes being loving is to have sex when you don't feel the drive. Might try spicing things up a bit.

I know it appeared as though Just_Me was attacking. I too was irritated when he said you should just let H go. You are on this board looking for advice and truly working on your marriage and should be commended for that. Not many people would have the courage to come on here and post as honestly as you have.

Just_Me does offer some good advice, though. The whole idea that love is a decision and the reference to the love languages. I really do believe that if you are getting your emotional needs fulfilled, the physical desires will follow. I know that H isn't selfish and is willing to do what it takes to fulfill whatever needs you may have.

[Mom of 2 Cherubs]

Well H and I have been doing the talking, working with tthe tools we learned at Retro but i'm slowly slippin gback to my same feelings - almost like the honeymoom phase is over again. WHY!!!!????

I lnow he can fulfill my Physically sexual needs, and I think i can do the same for him, but something about the whole relationship is missing for me. Maybe IC is in order for me, because he is doing all the right things and I just don't feel it.

Residual feelings for OG, maybe....i was really in deep with him and I don't think i've really conveyed the extent of it to H.

Still feel so lost.

[Corri]

2:

Let me state emphatically, that I have empathy for you, and it takes lots and lots of guts for you to show up, on this thread particularly, and talk so openly about lost feelings and 2 PAs.

Most of the folks here are those who have been abandoned physically in their Rs, and they struggle with it, daily. Maybe you can read some other threads so you can grow in your understanding of just how painful it is, on the other side.

I don't say that callously to you. I'm not known around these parts as being terribly kind or politically correct.

I've been in your shoes. I was the LD in my R. I know exactly of what you speak. I also know... sorry for being blunt... it's pretty much bunk.

Though I have complete and utter empathy for your confusion and your bafflement over your lost sex drive for your H... I can also say, as a woman who had Been There, Done That... your lost Sex Drive... those 'in love' feelings you crave... are NOT the responsibility of your H. No more than his desire for you is YOUR responsibility.

This is a hard thing to get, especially in our society of... "I want to feel good NOW." The feelings you are having for the OG... those are brain chemicals releasing in your system that make you little more than a drug addict. They are there for a reason (to help us procreate). They also go away after a time. The same desire problem you are having with your H will happen to you, again and again and again, with any man... because you are not aware of what is happening to you.

Let me say again... I understand.

But what I also came to understand was that sexual desire is not something I GET from another... it is something that is cultivated within me, and EXPRESSED with another as a reflection of how **I** feel. Long term sexual desire, in a marriage, is not DATING sexual desire. It is an expression of self, whereas DATING sexual desire is... full throttle 'let's fck. NOW.' That is not to say that you can't have those feelings in your M... you just have to find those feelings through different methods... and nothing that you have written thus far tells me that you are even remotely aware of those other routes to sexual desire. You are throwing all responsibility into your H's court... and no ONE person, man or woman, can carry that load on their own.

I applaud you, loudly, for trying to find your way. But I'm also here to tell you... bluntly (sorry), that you have got to get these blinders off your eyes, get out of the Romance Novel mind set... and OWN your sexuality. Just like anything else in a marriage, a good sex life is dependent on BOTH people's willingness to SOLVE A PROBLEM. Your half of the equation is learning to OWN your sexuality, learning how to become a sexual woman, and learning how to express that with your H. <--- That is from where your DESIRE comes. That is the well spring. And if you don't find it now, I can promise you, it will continue to BE a problem for you, time and time again.

I am only speaking from personal experience.

These people, here, can help you learn how to do that. They can give you all the help you could ever possibly want or need to find your way to that end, IF you can OWN the fact that this whole sexual desire problem is, in fact, YOUR problem.

Good/Great sex is created... it is not just handed out.

Please understand that what I am saying to you is not to be mean. I am trying very, very hard not to be my typical rip azz blunt self, and I hope I have found some measure of that.

You really are lost, I know that. There IS a way out of it, but it's not going to be easy. There are lots and lots of illusions you need to shed. IF you are willing to do that, you CAN create, with your husband, a vibrant sex life. Honest.

But no one here is going to pity you... I don't think you are looking for that... but don't be surprised when it DOESN'T come. Empathy, you will get in full measure.... IF you are ready and willing to roll up your sleeves for some hard work.

Otherwise, yes, you should go to piecing. No offense.

[Sara]

I agree with Corri, the brain is the greatest aphrodisiac. You don't control your mind. But that doesn't mean that you can't learn to have better control over it. Can you control your mind to desire your own husband? Certainly. And I'm with the others, I don't buy all that stuff about never desiring him. I didn't have sex on my wedding night either. And that means what?
We were tired.

I wasted years of my life mooning over a man I didn't have, and treated the one who came home to me every night pretty poorly. We went to Retrouvaille. I learned a lot at Retrouvaille. I learned that you get back what you give out. That love is it's own reward. And as Just Me said, love is a decision, not a feeling. I know now that I do love my husband. And that man whose idea I loved for 25 years? I barely know him. It's really sad. I wasted most of my married life disliking my husband because he wasn't perfect. Because he didn't fix everything like my friend's husband did. And he didn't involve himself with the kids like my father did. And he didn't make as much money as my sister's husband did. I can go on. The point is, that was a lot of wrong-headed thinking and it drove my husband into another woman's bed and almost got me divorced. But it did wake me up. The way I see it, you haven't had the crisis I did, because you have been the WAW. You never had the feelings the LBS experiences. So you don't know how it feels to be rejected. And you don't know in your gut as Joni Mitchell said, "You don't know what you got til it's gone."

Retrouvaille is more than one weekend. There are 6 follow-up sessions that deal with many topics beyond the weekend. One of them is sex and intimacy. Did you do the Post sessions? You cannot expect that just the weekend will heal your marriage. Or even that the entire program will heal your marriage. It is your responsibility to heal your marriage if that is what you want to do. I just wonder if that is what you want to do. It sounds like you don't want to give up the idea that you will find that perfect someone who will sweep you off your feet. I remember clearly in one of the last Post sessions writing about feeling happy that my husband and I were getting along so well, and life was good with him. But I also was sad to think that I would never fall in love again with another man. And realizing that I finally, after 28 years of marriage, had to give up that fantasy.
I think one of the goals of life is to grow up. For me, letting go of that fantasy was growing up, and I was damn late doing it.

[Lillieperl]

These are both brilliant posts. (And yours, corri, wasn't the least bit cryptic )

These two posts present the Gospel of SSM.

Read and study: all the answers are here.

[hopeforfuture]

I agree with Corri, the brain is the greatest aphrodisiac. You don't control your mind. But that doesn't mean that you can't learn to have better control over it. Can you control your mind to desire your own husband? Certainly. And I'm with the others, I don't buy all that stuff about never desiring him. I didn't have sex on my wedding night either. And that means what?
We were tired.

Many of the times that W brought up her lack of interest on the wedding night, I've thought that it very well could have been attributed to just being exhausted from the day. Then you have these enormous expectations that the wedding night sex is supposed to be extraordinary. I wonder how much this has played on her mind over the years. "I didn't want him on that special night. There must be something wrong with us?"

Retrouvaille is more than one weekend. There are 6 follow-up sessions that deal with many topics beyond the weekend. One of them is sex and intimacy. Did you do the Post sessions? You cannot expect that just the weekend will heal your marriage. Or even that the entire program will heal your marriage.

They've condensed the six weeks into four weeks. We both went to the first follow up, but I missed the second because I had previously planned a ski trip that weekend. I was very encouraged that W went to the second follow up on her own. We've slacked off a bit this past week on the dialogs. Something we need to really set aside time for and get more consistent with.

[SouthernGirl]

Wow Corri, what a fabulous post.