I am sorry that he is blind to your efforts. I know that if my W was doing that sort of thing in the hopes that I'd be more attentive she'd have trouble fighting me off. Unfortunately she doesn't want me to touch her these days. Ugh!
I have finally started to get some sleep at night as I am leaving my wife's behavior and her heart to God. It is now in his hands...and it always was. I just spend the time working on me, taking care of the kids and hoping that she doesn't stay away forever.
I am in a much better place and have been detaching, DBing and letting God do his thing. Amazingly enough the little things are bothering me as much now. I still have my down days, but I am so much stronger now and I think I am on the road to showing my W that I am a good man and one she should stay married to.
I know that it has been a struggle for you, but you are doing great. Don't let up. Keep up the DBing and let God work on his heart. I know that we are being tested. By being the one who is willing to stand for the marriage you and I are well on our way to passing this test and helping make our families stronger and more connected.
-B
Me-45 W-34 T-5 M-3 1/2 s-10 s-12 ILYBNILWY 12/26/07 Sleeping away from home at friend's house(because she says she can't get any sleep otherwise) 1/14/08 1/25/08 We tell kids she is moving out
B, MMB, I think half the battle is won by you working on yourselves and deciding to DB for your M. It really can take time. Imagine this - if out spouse was to come home too soon, they may not be ready due to the fact that they haven't experieneced their loss and pain. Believe that they do feel guilt, pain and loss, despite them being the ones who decided to leave. Also imagine that it would be much harder for the M to work out, if we are NOT ready for our spouse to be home again. The chance of failure would also be higher then.
You are so right about the time needing to be right. Especially given the fact that our spouse's were feeling this way for a long time before they left. Our problems were going on for some time before they left and if it took months to deteriorate then it will take months to heal. I tell myself that all the time. I just wish my H had been better at communicaitng his feelings but then we all do or we wouldn't be here. He admitted to me a week or so ago that he tried telling me multiple times he wasn't as happy but I didn't hear him so he gave up after one try each time since that is the way he is.
You know how there are the 5 Love Languages? Well I believe there are multiple communication languages. Meaning I for instance am a very in your face tell it like it is without worrying about how it is taken type of person. I won't hesitate to tell someone they are being foolish or unwise or smack the crap out of someone that is pissing me off. Now my H on the other hand is very peaceful and accepts everyone and everything as it is and doesn't confront. So I believe our problem is that given I am confrontational I feel the only communication I understand is also confrontational and since he doesn't communicate that way I just didn't ever hear him telling me there was a problem. Now I have realized throughout this ordeal that my way of communicating is one of my problems that I have worked diligently on changing and have actually done an amazing job at it. Yes still work to do but I am so much better at letting things roll off me now and being more compassionate in regards to people in general.
Sorry to get off on a tangent there but I was trying to express my feeling on different methods of communicating.
Both 35 T 19/M 15 years S8/D5 It's over bomb/ILYBNILWY 12-22-07
I agree, there are different languages of communication. It has also been an area that my W and I need work on. Right now she is doing her best to try to shut me out of her life a much as she can. I have to admit some of it is even silly, but it is how she sees things now.
An example is that she no long will park in our driveway, she parks on the street so as to validate that she isn't living here any more I suppose. I just feel bad for her and the hurt she must be going through right now. I know that she needs to figure this out on her own and in her own time, but I know that somewhere deep in her heart she still has feelings for me and the family otherwise this wouldn't be so tough on her.
How are you doing today? I took the day off to get some things done around the house and to do some things for me that I have been putting off. I got the book "The 5 languages of love" yesterday and I also got the book "Hope for the Separated" by the same author. I am reading the second one first as I can use all the support I can get for my sitch.
I have to tell you that I have been DBing my butt off of late. I am not pursuing, our conversations are short and to the point, yet we have had some good time together while watching our kids play roller hockey. I do love this woman. I am willing to give her the space and time she wants, but I will also be here when is is ready to come back. This is not a disposable M. I believe in it and you are very right when you say that our spouses are damn lucky to have us in their lives fighting for our families and what is right.
You are doing amazing things...keep it up the pay off will be well worth it!
-B
Me-45 W-34 T-5 M-3 1/2 s-10 s-12 ILYBNILWY 12/26/07 Sleeping away from home at friend's house(because she says she can't get any sleep otherwise) 1/14/08 1/25/08 We tell kids she is moving out
I know what you mean with her parking on the street. My H when over to see the kids or do the things around the house he still feels obligated to do like chop wood for the woodstove, fix the washer, etc...won't use OUR bathroom in OUR bedroom anymore but the kids bathroom in the hallway. It's those little things I notice.
Well I am home today also but because both kids have the puking/diarhea bug. They are in my bed watching the Disney Channel right now, Mulan is on. I sent H a tex lastnight when S8 started sick and it took him 45 minutes to respond so I ignored him until he texted again this morning. He asked also how D5 was and me. I thought that great that he asked about me because since he left he hasn't been at all interested and only ever asked about them.
I am at a guilt moment, let me through it out to you and anyone else wanting to chime in. Our income tax return is coming and it is several thousand which will be nice for mortgage help. Well he called me yesterday a.m. to ask if I had done it yet because the shop has been slow and he knows his pay this month will reflect that and how nice it would be to have the income tax to offset for the mortgage and other utilities. Well in almost the same breath he said he wanted to get a new bike. A $2100 mountain bike. Well I said in my nice DB'ing tone how I wish we could right now but that that isn't an option right now. And then I later texted him about if we could and I got one if we could ride together and of course that was pursuing and got me nowhere fast. So anyway, my guilt and dilemna is that I want to tak ethe kdis away for 3-4 days the third week of March when school is out for spring break and of course it will most likely be something so damn fun that they totally forget daddy isn't around and are completely care free. That would of course require spending tax return money and possibly several hundred to a grand. Should I do this and why do I feel so guilty about wanting to spend that money and help give my kids some happiness during all this?
Thanks everyone and you Bryan for your support. We will all get through this one way or another and be so very proud of OURSELVES for how we learned to handle conflict and chaos and show our children the good fight is worth fighting for and marriage isn't disposable.
Both 35 T 19/M 15 years S8/D5 It's over bomb/ILYBNILWY 12-22-07
Here is my 2 cents. I think that if you don't want the H to use the money for the bike then you shouldn't have plans to use it either. If it is a joint return then the refund is also joint. If you really can't find any other way I say just divide it down the middle. Then it is fair. It may not make you happy and it might not make H happy, but it will at least be fair.
Money is always a tough issue in relationships. Believe me I know. I have come to trust in the fact that my W and I see the cash flow thing from different perspectives. I have also realized that things work out much better if I would say something like, "We are going to be getting a refund and I was wondering if you would like to come over and help me with a budget that we can live with and to discuss how the money could be best used?" That way the S feels like that have some input and yet you haven't given up anything.
I think it is all about the communication skills we have. I am still learning, but the one thing I have come to realize is that it helps to put myself in someone else's shoes to see how they might hear what it is that I am trying to say. Make sense?
Well, it is just a suggestion and I hope that you are able to resolve your issues with your H over the money. I am in a similar sitch as we are paycheck to paycheck here and trying to decide which bills to pay each month (we can't pay them all every month). This sitch compounds the stresses we are already under, but there is light at the end of the tunnel. W will be graduating from school in May and should be working full time again shortly after that. When that happens we will be in much better shape. Just keep your fingers crossed that we can make it that long...LOL. I am hoping against hope that we can.
Hang in there and keep DBing. You are doing a great job and you will find that it is worth all the work, pain, and heartache.
Me-45 W-34 T-5 M-3 1/2 s-10 s-12 ILYBNILWY 12/26/07 Sleeping away from home at friend's house(because she says she can't get any sleep otherwise) 1/14/08 1/25/08 We tell kids she is moving out
I agree since it is a joint return it should be split jointly. If he were still here though it would sit and be used for a new heating/ac heat pump that the house needs but since we may be selling at some point sooner or later I don't want to make that investment right now. I so much want to take the kids away and do something fun for them and with them though. They deserve that in the midst of all this chaos. His outlook is if I do that then he should be bale to do what he wants with the money too which I don't completely agree with because if it weren't for him leaving and making us suffer emotionally I wouldn't be wanting to take the kids anywhere for fun and distraction and spend any of that money either. Oh such a rock and a hard place. I know with his half of the money he WILL spend it unwisely and then sure as history always repeats itself we will need that money for a bill or mortgage. I just don't get his desire to spend it on a bike, I mean he returned voluntarily a toolbox to the tool guy that he still owed $4k on that we couldn't afford the monthly payments on anymore then in 2 weeks time wants to use income tax money to buy a $2100 bike. What gives? Maybe I should just give him the money as a show of unconditional love????? And express happiness for him when he shows off his new bike he used it for. Giving him the money would show I am NOT trying to control him and hell his family is well aware of our poor financial choices and have always been on him about his spending so wouldn't that just be glorious for him to want to store his new bike in mommy and daddy's shed. Another toy their sweet son couldn't live without. I can picture the looks on his parents faces now...lmao!!!! Of course he could surprise me and not buy a bike at all and hire an attorney and have me served with D papers. Oh the decisions I have to make. Or I could control all the income tax return and say I am holding onto it since the shop has been so dead lately that I need to assure myself I have a couple months worth of mortgage payments to make. But then he WILL deny me access to the bank account for bill paying. I have to think of all possible reactions to my actins that any choice I make could lead to. But if the mortgage can't be paid it will only hurt him since the mortgage is in his name only. I don't believe he wants to totally ruin his credit by having his home foreclosed on. I could pack myself and the kids up quick and move out before the bank even realizes they won't be getting paid. However WE did agree that the kids need the stability of this home and as it is all they know and that taking this away from them after all this would be the straw that broke the camels back for them. He doesn't want to hurt them anymore than he already has that much I do know. Oh my he is so confused right now.
Do you think I should call him and ask him if we could discuss the income tax return and how to use it? I do believe since he has elluded to it before that he just wants to split it without any regard to allowing me a cushion for the mortgage by keeping it all or the majority of it.
Sorry for the book!
Both 35 T 19/M 15 years S8/D5 It's over bomb/ILYBNILWY 12-22-07
I know with his half of the money he WILL spend it unwisely and then sure as history always repeats itself we will need that money for a bill or mortgage.
MMB,
It is tough. But the way I see it is that you can't control what he does, you can only control what YOU do. So if he is going to spend the money on the bike, then that is what he is going to do. However, if you spend your money on a vacation and there is little or no money left (after the two of you do your spending) for bills then you aren't much different than he is.
Sure you want to give the kids something to help them take their minds off of the sitch, but in the long run maybe if you set something up on a regular basis with your kids closer to home that they can always count on happening it might do more for them than taking them on a vacation for a week that will only be a temporary fix.
I don't have a lot of money to spend on my kids, but I try to make sure that they have regular things around here that THEY like to do with me so things can feel a little bit normal each and every day. I have come to realize that it is more the time I spend with them than the money I spend ON them. They light up when we have those times. I am sure that they'd love a vacation to get away from the pain that the W and I are putting them through, but then they'd just have to come home to the reality that nothing has really changed in their lives.
I would never try to tell you what to do. I can only tell you how I approach the topics that you have mentioned. I know that you are in a tough spot. I also know that if you love your H unconditionally that after a while he will see how strong that is and start to make the right decisions without you having to tell him what those decisions should be.
Maybe it wouldn't be so bad to let him do what he will with his share of the refund. I am not sure that it is a battle worth fighting at this point. I have come across similar things with my W and as much as I want to call her and say "Stop spending so much money!" I have decided to just ask for her help in putting together a budget for the family. I won't badger her about it and I plan to do somethings to help a bit more but I am going to make this work with or without her help.
I am not sure if this helps you or not, but it is what is in my head and heart. Keep up the good work, you have done some great things and there is more work to be done. You can do this!
-B
Me-45 W-34 T-5 M-3 1/2 s-10 s-12 ILYBNILWY 12/26/07 Sleeping away from home at friend's house(because she says she can't get any sleep otherwise) 1/14/08 1/25/08 We tell kids she is moving out
You are right. He will get his half of the refund and if he so chooses to spend it all on a bike then so be it. He will later, as usual, beat himself up for doing so, but that is his problem not mine.
I will probably take the kids on a quick little fairly inexpensive trip to see the family in Mass. Heck we can have free room and board and pretty much free meals...lol. And I will also do what you suggest and plan more things around the area here that the 3 of us can do to get some more of a pattern of normalcy going for them.
Yes, H will eventually see my unconditional love and warm up to me again, I do believe that, but damn the wait and loneliness are hard. I am going to start looking into some local organizations that may be able to offer some financial help in this time of crisis for me. While H is not withholding any money, the paycut he took in Nov. which as I said was the final straw for him I believe, as well as the slowing down of the shop for him the last week are causing some rather drastic drops in the bring home income he is getting. His pay is direct deposited so I know about before he even does. I just hope he hasn't gone to them and told them to direct deposit X% and cut him a check for the rest. That would be sad.
I wish you the best in your sit. as well and know that your efforts will prove fruitful too. I hope in the coming months you and I will be able to share success stories with everyone here.
Both 35 T 19/M 15 years S8/D5 It's over bomb/ILYBNILWY 12-22-07
Hang in there I think you are doing some fantastic things both for your M AND for your kids. Be the strong one, the grown up and it will show.
You can't make his decisions for him. He has to make them and learn from them. I know it is hard to take a hands-off attitude but that is the only way he will see that he is making mistakes. I am struggling through the same sort of sitch by keeping my mouth shut and letting my W make her own decisions without criticism or guidance from me. If she is going to fall on her face I need to let her. She will figure it out. I pray everyday for her. I also pray that she sees that life will be better by returning to the family, but when she figures that out is between her and God.
I am just doing what we are all doing...taking it one day at a time. You are continuing to inspire me with your strength and determination. Keep up the terrific work! You WILL do this!
-Bryan
Me-45 W-34 T-5 M-3 1/2 s-10 s-12 ILYBNILWY 12/26/07 Sleeping away from home at friend's house(because she says she can't get any sleep otherwise) 1/14/08 1/25/08 We tell kids she is moving out
