Back on the Roller Coaster - OW still around

[fooled again]

Hi BeingMe, Mike and others,

Not so strong and not so patient today. Oh well, isn't this the way the roller coaster ride goes? It seems that whenever I get a handle on my emotions and feel as though I am "dealing" with my sitch, he pulls away with so much force that the vacuum he leaves behind crushes me. So today, not so good.

But I suppose I will turn once again to my main sources of solace in this ongoing and never-ending crisis, information and knowledge, whether I gain it from books, the internet or from the members of this community. Somehow seeing printed words is more of a consolation than anything anyone could tell me or anything I could tell myself. In fact, seeing my own words typed out by my own fingers consoles me. Why is that?

The fact that I now believe my H is in MLC is some minor consolation, yet I still feel this urge to call him out, to force him to figure out what the he#l he wants. He comes close, he pulls back, in a repeating, revolving cycle. And I want it to not bother me anymore. I want to be able to simply live my life when he is not around, and enjoy his company when he is. But the emptiness of his absence can be truly awful.

And my daughter is so very much in the same place as I am, confused, anxious, desperate to see him, to spend time with him. She is 7 and I am fairly honest with her about what is going on. There really is no other way with her - she is too much of a wise soul to believe any candy coated version of what is going on, though I recognize that she couldn't possibly understand MLC or A or the finer points of what my H is going through. Tonight I told her that Daddy has alot of things to figure out. She said that every day she wishes and pleads (in her mind) for him to come home and that we could be a family again. I asked her if it took a really long time for Daddy to come home, would it be worth the wait? She said anything would be worth us being a family again. Wise words for such a tiny little thing, it broke my heart.

I truly believe it would be easier for me to not see him at all for awhile. Maybe then I could figure out if I could live without him. He is like a drug to my addiction - I tell myself I've got it under control, I could quit anytime I choose. Ha! Maybe I'm just PMS-ing (yes, it does have an affect on how I see my sitch), but I haven't had a good cry about this for awhile, so I guess I'm do for a bit of a purge.

But this does show me how far I am from being detached, how far I am from trusting him, how far I am from where I want to be. The OW, whether or not she is around, continues to occupy too much space in my mind and this is something I must remedy. I figure that if I focus on the MLC and not the A, then I may have some hope of surviving this. Somehow, taken in isolation, I could never accept the notion that his long term A could not be about me. And yet paradoxically, I believe that I am able to accept that his MLC is not about me. Obviously I need more information and have just now ordered Conway's "Men in Midlife" and another, "Surviving Your Husband's MLC". I'd appreciate any other suggestions.

I have been checking in Infidelity from time to time, but I've been spending more and more time in MLC forums to gain as much in formation as I can. Thank you all for keeping up with me. Your words always bring me comfort.

FA