She's Gone - No Contact

[Kinlovewithm]

Hey Nik. I did wonder where you were. I understand busy.

I did think of one more question today - I know we've all agreed no more apologies but should I send a text (or letter) apology for last weekend's snooping/questioning why she's selling the house?

My text to her was "Sure wish we could talk face to face. Why are you selling the house? Did you remember I said if you were ever going to sell it I might be interested? Wherever you are please know that I care about you, your health and happiness. Be safe. Take care."

Yeah, I keep screwing up I know it. But to let her know that I realize all that was inappropriate (she knows that I drove by if I saw the for sale sign and I'm questioning her again with why are you selling?), should I send a brief apology? If so, what would you say?

Thanks! K

[MichelleLT]

Hey, was reading up on your stitch and thought I'd say hi. While there are a lot of religious and spiritual people on here, one of the appeals of DB was that it was not written by some religious nut-job who started their relationship book with "you should fight for your marriage because you took a vow before God". As is the case with life, you will meet all sorts of people on here. But you should never feel the need to hide things because they are mostly non-judgmental, supportive, wonderful people.

As for apologizing, did she respond in any way to your text? You may do better by staying no contact and waiting for her to contact you. I don't know if you have horses, but my mental analogy for DBing is similar to skittish horses. You have to leave them be, turn your back on them even (but leave the possibility of reconciling open), but do something fun that makes them curious, and they will come over to look. Don't know if that makes sense, but I'm a big animal person and it made me laugh when I thought of my husband as a horse.

Your apologizing is your "more of the same" behavior from what I can tell. If that's the case, you may want to do something different. Whether that's a very distant "sorry if my text upset you" or just not saying anything at all.

[Kinlovewithm]

Thanks for dropping in. I really appreciate another perspective.

No, she has not responded to the past few text messages I've sent. Probably is better for me to NOT apologize. I just wanted to get some other opinions. I don't trust my own yet.

I'm not an animal person but your analogy is good. I understand it but what can I do to make her curious when I have no contact with her?

Thanks again. K

[NikB]

Hi K -

Finally had some time to catch up! Working my way back to your last few replies...

- On the name change, funny, that's how I search for you too! Must not be too many with "K" as the first username letter.

- On your shrink... interesting. I can see that perspective but at the same time that (the lesbian/straight thing) has GOT to be a tough thing to struggle with, so I can see being patient with someone through that, especially if they're younger. I can see the point about moving on, too, though.

- About your difficulty finding advice - I see what you mean. I do share the "we don't have children" with you which may be why your story jumped out at me. It's not often you find that and there's some "solidarity" in realizing that sometimes you still have that tremendous love, kids or not. (part of me thinks that's even MORE special, that you love someone that much just for THEM.. but that's a whole other discussion I guess).

- Boredom.. sounds like you have that covered! I know what you mean on that missing component. Hey do you ever check out the "Just for Fun" forum here? There's a DB meetup coming soon in Memphis. I would loooove to go but probably can't due to $$.. but if there's any way you can go I bet it'd be pretty life-changing.

- On my posts here.. um yeah, TOO many posts. I sometimes write really long rambly journal posts, but also a lot of "thinking about ya!" types of posts (those are true as well, but add to your total posts pretty quick).

- As for me.. long story very short, my first bomb was Oct 06... he moved out Jan-April 07... things were great for a bit, then at best "iffy" Aug-Nov 07. Another "never loved you bomb" hit last Oct. but I think, basically, both of us are too afraid to move on. It's been this eggshell/limbo thing since then. Lately improving but I wouldn't be super shocked to get another bomb on any given day, either. It's weird living with him and wondering if I might get served D papers. (I don't REALLY think so but it also wouldn't shock me). We do get better here and there - in fact tonight was GREAT - but I still have a lot of doubts about the long term.

OK.. too much about me on your thread, sorry!! But that summarized about 20 threads for ya..

- About your question - I agree with Michelle, too much "more of the same" behavior from you. (Michelle - LOVE the horse analogy, that is so true!!!).

K - you can't MAKE her curious. But your behavior just might. (it might not, too, so don't get your expectations too high.. but it might). I dunno how to say this less painfully but it might be time to accept that she may NEVER respond positively to anything that you do, don't do, etc. My SIL (H's sis) is this way. I think her STBXH could create the cure for cancer, give it to everyone for free, and she'd find a way to hate him anyway... BUT I do find that's pretty rare, usually people are really watching for positives from their spouses/sig others.

I'm an hour late for bed so gotta run.. but thinking of ya K and glad you got more perspectives.

[saffie]

K,

I am sorry that you are here.

Having read through your posts and the responses, ( and you have some great supporters), my observation would be to remain NC unless she contacts you.

You are not dealing with just a R that has gone wrong for whatever reason, but also with a partner who is in some kind of denial as to who they truly are. It would seem to me that everytime you make any sort of contact you remind her of what she is trying to forget.

If at any time in the future your R was to work she is going to have had to come to terms with being who she is and that will probably take a really long time and lots of counselling.

If you want to hold out in the , (IMHO small), hope that that will happen, then use the time usefully and do all the activities you want to do to improve you and your life. If she does want a R with you in the future she will find you when she is ready.

As for the children point that Nikki raised - when you have children together then you know that you will always have some connection with your partner. However, personally, I do not believe having children together is a good enough reason for living together - you need to love your partner regardless. Children are better being brought up by two happily separated parents rather than two together fighting ones in my opinion, ( having personally lived through it).

K - your R is no different to anyone elses on the boards - you will find people on here who are/were in hetro R's and whose P has 'outed' themself; they have similar troubles.

I hope you find happiness that is not dependent on your partner as I think she has a very long journey ahead of her and suspect that she cannot cope with your hurt on top of her own misery at being so mixed up about her sexual orientation.I expect contact with you makes her feel guilty.

Whatever you do, don't blame yourself completely for what has happened - we all contribute and detract from our Rships. but your has this added complication that makes it even harder and is not really about you but about her and her life and her journey. It sounds like she is running away in shame from her past and you would be best to forget her for your own sanity.

[Kinlovewithm]

Thanks Nik - Yes, I live near Memphis & I'll check into the "meeting." Sounds like fun. Thanks for checking in with me so late. Appreciate the advice.

Thanks Saffie - Thanks for confirming the "no contact" advice. Three heads are better than one!

Yes, she is definitely struggling with accepting who she is. What angers me is that she is "best friends" at this time with her "ex." It's OK to be best friends with ex because ex has had the religious metamorphosis also. A year ago, ex started going back to church (where my GF) goes, they started "working" together in the church, sponsoring events, etc., her ex declared that she would never again be a lesbian, gave away all her books, CDs, anything that reminded her of her "past." Well, GF jumped into that bandwagon headfirst and they're both displaying "cult-like" behavior. Anyway, it hurts that she's back with the ex (although there's no sex) doing things together.

I appreciate you being blunt. I know I need to completely move on and assume she's not coming back. She is young and questioning this for the first time. I have suggested counseling MANY times and she will not get help. She says the Bible is the only advice she needs.

Your insight regarding contact with me making her feel guilty is something I haven't thought of.

About you - 4 kids! You don't have time for much do you? Looks like you and H are living together, happily? If so, I'm very happy for you. And it's very kind of you to continue helping those of us who are struggling just to make it through the day. I'm being a drama queen. Actually, I've been feeling much better. I have moments when I break down or think of her fondly and wish to talk with her, hold her, make love to her. But I've been staying busy and really enjoying life again.

All of you, please keep writing to me. It helps so much. I feel selfish in that I do not reciprocate. I have plans to check on you all soon, I promise. K

[saffie]

You are not being a drama queen - all this R stuff hurts.

I am happily M'd now. I came to this sight a year post my H's recommiment to the M. I couldn't let go of his A and that inability to forgive was stopping our M from flourishing. I have made some great friends here.

My kids keep me on the run, as do my horses and my business, but life IS good and it will be for you again.

[MichelleLT]

Every person that runs from relationships and problems is generally dealing with some sort of identity crisis. Hers is about her sexuality. Not that different from any other sort of personal crisis I'd imagine.

Despite what you think, she will be curious and she may hear things from mutual friends or whatever. Furthermore, the PRIMARY goal of your changes should be to make yourself happy. Give her space to figure it out, you can't rush her process. So fulfill yourself in the meanwhile.

[Kinlovewithm]

Thanks Michelle. You give me hope. I want to be happy and independent but I also hope she will one day return to me. Thanks for your advice. You people in California sure are good with psychology! Ha.

So do you think, like my shrink, that the religion thing is just an excuse to distance from me? He says the bottom line is she's unaccepting of her sexuality (like you said). Religion, our problems not getting along, etc. are all just "excuses."

What is your estimate of how long "her process" might take?

I'm sorry about your own problems. Good luck. K

[MichelleLT]

Everyone is different. But you're looking at months or even a year or two or three. It just depends. And there are no guarantees, only hope and love.