Confessions of a Supermom - JennyF's 4th thread

[JennyF]

The Soother Fairy did ok. D ended up in my bed at 6AM searching for the soo soos. She was holding one of the pillows, but was not impressed. She outright said she didn't want the pillows, but wanted the soo soos back. She was really cute, she laid in my bed and put her back to me. She kept wanting to snuggle, but then got upset and said leave me alone when I tried to hold her. She was really being brave about it, but you could tell she was upset.

So that could pretty much describe me right now, brave...but wearing my emotions on my face.
I'm having hard time when H comes to take S. I'm really really having a hard time letting him go, even though it is only for a few hours. I think the time away from him isn't bad...but I just feel so alone. And I didn't have children to spend this much time away from them, especially at such young ages.

I know that this hurt and resentment about the kids is showing all over my face. The second H shuts the door I burst into tears. Every time. I keep thinking that the next time I'll be ok and I won't cry, but it's there instantly.

So I've been thinking A LOT about B's post about forgiveness. I have not forgiven H for leaving me.
If he were to come back, I would forigve him. For the affair, for treating me bad through my pregnancy, for leaving me at 8 months pregnant, for putting our children through this...all of it. If he came back to me and tried.
But right now I can honestly say that it is going to be SO HARD to forgive him for not trying. That in itself is the reason the resentment, anger and hurt are SO built up inside me. And I know it's showing all over me.
I can't forgive him for doing this to our family and to our children. For taking my babies away from me almost 40% of the time.
I'm only being perfectly honest here because I know that isn't a good thing. And I know I need to get to this place if I am truly going to move on free of those burdens. But how do I do that? It just feels as though the world has accepted what he is doing and if I forgive him, than I've accepted it too.

Perhaps as time goes on I will work toward this. But I know that I can not force it...if I do I will leave things unresolved within me and if I bury things than it will just resurface eventually.
And I think it would be easier to work toward forgiveness if he didn't keep giving me things to forgive him for! He is moving things along so fast with no regard for my emotional or financial well-being. It is so unreasonable for him to forcing me to look at selling or buying him out of the house with a 3 month old baby and only 4 months post bomb. Why is he the ONLY person in the world who can't see how unreasonable this is???

What I want, is the chance to forgive him for all of those things. I don't want to have to forgive him for not trying...
does that make sense?

I pray that God gives him the strength to look within himself and see what is happening to him.
And I pray for the strength to let him go to do that.

Sorry I've been such a downer the last few posts. I've got to find my groove again.
J~