State of Mind

[BeingMe]

Oh, I agree, Cat. It's not so much the rehashing I have a problem with ... it's more the feelings behind what happened. It's letting those go, and I think I have to really know that I have forgiven, not just think I have ... when I can let go of those feelings of sadness and regret (even if it's just a little that I have left, and each time I have a flashback, there is less of an impact on my emotions), then I think I will know I have moved on, and forgiven too. I have gone a long way down the road, but there is still a little left to go.

As for my family ... I visited with some of them this last Christmas, and so many old emotions came out, and I tried to reconnect, and to share with them how it felt to be, for instance, the baby sister of someone who constantly belittled me, was never there for me, etc. But, she doesn't want to hear it, and I could tell, so I decided it was pointless to bring it up ... all she hears in her head is how our brothers and uncles made fun of her. So, I guess, she did what they did, and how can I really hold it against her, but also how can I continue in a R that is just toxic to any progress I make. So, I am going to forgive her, let go of her critical voice inside my head, and withdraw from the R. It will take time, and I know I am going to be sad about not having a R with my sister (always have), but she has to make the effort too, and she never has. It is what it is, I s'pose, and not much I can do about it, except to let it go.

Anyway, I am rambling on about something that I am tearing away from, so please forgive me. It is painful, but putting it in words on the monitor helps me get rid of these ghosts that have haunted me in such a long time. Some, I am over (such as my H's foolish A), but some just takes so much more effort and thought, because I think it's embedded deeper into my psyche (eek, spelling???) and from far back into my childhood.

Thanks for visiting though, Cat. You have given me food for thought. I hope your sitch is a little more peaceful ... looks that way, but I know how things can turn on a dime.

Take care, and thanks for reading if you got this far.