Help Me Act AS IF, Part 3

[newnamenewlife]

Oh, I am just feeling so horrendous today. It seems like when H & I got to MC we end up feeling relieved and we get along really well, joke, etc--but then it goes back to the same place, where he is distant and cold. He said on Wed at MC that he wanted to "try" for the next month, but so far he has done nothing differently. we never even talked about what trying means.

We had the slightly flirty email exchange I described but that's it. This morning I was in the shower as he was leaving and I told him to come in and say goodbye. I leaned out of the shower and kissed him and told him he looked handsome and he smiled, but then NC all day.

I try so hard to focus on me. I went out with my friend last night and I have had a ton of work lately--which is good but also hard to focus on and it's making me panic a bit. Today I spent a lot of time crying and not much time working.

Because my H does not have an OW and is still a totally devoted dad, it is extra-painful because it is simply and starkly ME that he doesn't want. Not that I want him to have an OW or be a bad dad, but the fact that he is still basically a decent guy makes it hard for me to chalk his rejection of me up to something larger--y'know? I just feel like I've failed as a wife and I wish I knew what I could have done differently. Right now, my future looks so bleak and lonely. I love my kids, of course, but it's not the same as having a husband. Do I throw out the many love letters from H? I don't know how to make sense of them at this point. I feel like I regret my entire R with him now. We were so in love for so long and even with our problems, we were friends and had fun through it.

I feel so utterly deserted and heartbroken. My friends keep telling me what a great couple we are and how we seemed to be so perfect for one another. None of my friends understand why he is doing this or why he is surprised that an 18-year R would lose its "in love" quality.

I also wonder if our MC is making it all worse. She seems to want to focus on the past, what went wrong when, how we got here, etc. My H is a decent enough guy that he might be willing to go to someone more present/future/solution-oriented, although he seems to be completely convinced that separating is the only answer.