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
I FOUND THIS FORUM THIS WEEK AND I CAN SAY IT HAS HELPED ME ALOT CONTROLLING MY FEELING AND HELPING ME MAKE IT THROUGH THE DAY. I ORDER A COUPLE OF THE BOOKS. ITS JUST HARD TO BELIEVE WHATS GOING ON. I'VE ALWAYS BEEN A GOOD FAMILY MAN AND BEEN THERE FOR MY FAMILY WHEN THEY NEEDED ME AND NOW MY WHOLE WORLD IS GONE. YES I STILL GOT MY TO KIDS BUT SOMETIMES IT JUST SO HARD TO LOOK AT THEM AND NOT BREAK DOWN. MY PROBLEM IS I AM REALLY KIND HEARTED AND I WOULD DO ANYTHING FOR ANYBODY AND I GUESS THATS MY FAULT. JUST EVERYTIME I SHE LEAVES AFTER DROPING THE KIDS OFF IT'S LIKE MY HEART BREAKS ALL OVER AGAIN. I JUST WANT TO HUG HER HOLD HER IN MY ARMS KISS HER AND TELL HER WE CAN MAKE IT THROUGH THIS. WHEN ME AND HER TALK SHE IS A DIFFRENT PERSON BUT WHEN SHE IS AROUND HER FRIENDS ITS LIKE SHE HATES ME.. I DON'T THINK YOU CAN FALL IN LOVE OUR OUT OF LOVE WITH SOMEONE. YOU EITHER LOVE THEM OR DON'T LOVE THEM. WE HAVE BEEN THROUGH SOME RUFF TIMES IN ARE M. DURING OUR 7 YRS WE HAVE ONLY LIVED ALONE FOR 3YRS THE OTHER YEARS WE WERE HELPING PEOPLE AND GIVING THEM A PLACE TO STAY. WE HAD TWO LOST TO BABIES DURING PREGNANCEY DEC 23 AND 26TH 2 YRS IN A ROW AND WE HAVE BEEN IN FINANCIAL TROUBLE THE LAST THREE. WE WERE BOTH WORKING TWO JOBS JUST TO TRY TO MAKE ENDS ME AND I THINK IT FINALLY TOOK ITS TOLL. I'M JUST BLAMING MYSELF FOR EVERYTHING COULD I HAVE DONE THIS OR THAT. SHE GAVE ME HINTS ABOUT WANTING HER TIME TO RELAX BUT IT WAS HARD WHEN WE NEVER GOT TO SPEND TIME TOGETHER. INTAMACY WAS SAT NIGHT AT 10:30 LETS HURRY IM TIRED THAT WAS IT. I WAS UNHAPPY AND I JUST MADE MYSELF BELIEVE THAT IS NORMAL IN A MARRIAGE AND THAT MAYBE I'M PUSHING TO MUCH FOR ONCE A WEEK. I JUST DON'T WANT TO LOSE HER AND I KNOW WE CAN BE HAPPY TOGETHER IF WE CAN START OVER AND BE SURE THIS TIME THAT WE TALK ABOUT THINGS INSTEAD OF KEEPING THEM IN. TOLD HER THAT OUR VOWS MENT SOMETHING TO ME AND THAT THIS IS JUST A BUMP IN THE ROAD AND WE CAN FIX IT AND CONTINUE ON WITH OUR LOVE AND HAPPNIESS AND HAVE A WONDERFUL LIFE TOGETHER. I DO KNOW SHE IS LOST RIGHT NOW SHE DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO. SHE HAS SAID SHE DOESN'T WANT A DIVORCE JUST HER TIME AWAY. IT MIGHT BE MONTHS, YRS OR SEEING ME WITH ANOTHER GIRL. I TOLD HER THAT WILL NEVER HAPPEN WE ARE MARRIED EVEN THOUGH SEPERATED AND I WILL NOT MOVE ON WITH ANOTHER GIRL. THAT IS CHEATING AND I RESPECT OUR MARRIAGE NOT TO DO THAT....
RIGHT NOW MY W IS LIVING WITH HER MOTHER AND I AM LIVING WITH MINE. WE ARE ABOUT 2MILES APART. WE ALTERNATE NIGHTS WITH THE KIDS. THE SEEM TO BEING DOING OK. MY OLDEST IS HURTING. SHE HAS BEEN WRITING ALOT MORE NOTE LATELY. SHE DID ONE THE OTHER DAY THAT MADE ME JUST BREAK DOWN. IT SAID " I LOVE MY FAMILY. I LOVE MY MOMMY AND DADDY AND I HOPE MY MOMMY GIVE MY DADDY ANOTHER CHANCE BECAUSE I DON'T WANT ANOTHER DAY." TALK ABOUT A DAGGER TO THE HEART I KNOW I'M SUPPOSE TO BE STRONG FOR MY KIDS BUT I COULDN'T THAT NIGHT I CRIED LIKE A BABY..
MY W AND I ARE DOING ALITTLE BETTER WITH TALKING TO EACH OTHER. I TOLD HER THAT IF ANYTHING I WANT MY BEST FRIEND BACK AND THAT WE DON'T HATE EACH OTHER AND WE CAN ATLEAST TALK LIKE FRIENDS IT DOES GOOD MOST DAYS TILL SHE MAKES COMMENTS TO ME THAT HURT THEN I GO ALL MUSHY ON HER...
WELL THE OBSESSION THING WAS I JUST COULDN'T GET HER OUT OF MY HEAD I HAD TO BE WITH HER AND IF I WASN'T I WAS THINKING BAD THINGS AND I WAS TRYING TO FIND HELP ON A FORUM OR SOMETHING LIKE THIS WHERE THERE IS PEOPLE FEELING THE SAME AS YOU AND CAN HELP YOU THROUGH IT.. SHE ACCIDENTLY POPPED UP THE HISTORY ON THE COMPUTER AND FOUND WHAT I WAS SEARCHING FOR AND FREAKED...
it's just wierd she has come right out and told me that she doesn't want a d that she just wants time apart to fix are selfs. she said that she needed to know that i could do it on my own. I told her that after 7yrs she should know i can do it on my own.. this is not me gloating or making her sound bad but... at 17 i graduated early was living on my own paying my own rent car ins bills you name it. my mom really taught me to be pretty responsible and instilled that in me throughout my life.. when me and her got together and we found out she was pregnant i told her she could quit her job i would take care of us. I have always been the one the takes care of the finances, the cleaning, the laundry all the outside stuff mowing, planting flowers you name it. the only thing she had to do was cook. but with me doing all the other stuff left me little time to spend with her and the kids but if i didn't do the other things it wouldn't get done. her friends and family really are not there for her right now because they all love me and can't understand what she is doing.. We talked the other night and she told me that it's hard to talk to anyone because they all idolize me because they all think of me as a good man who has done nothing but been there for her. that same night we set in the car and talked for about and hour and for the first time we were spilling our guts about our feeling and it was very emotional for both and be for i got out i told her to come here and we hugged and both of us just lost it and then the next day she was treating me like [censored]... i think are problem is that i was trying to hard to stay close to her and she told me that she wanted time to relax hurt us. all of her friends are single friend and i think she wants to feel like that again.
Well, Welcome to DB. I know how hard it is to be here. I know how much you're hurting, we all do. It's great that you ordered the books. I recommend you read Divorce Remedy ASAP. You are setting yourself up for failure the way you're doing things now. She said she needs space...you give it to her. Do NOT get mushy on her right now...she REALLY doesn't want that. What she wants to see is that you CAN be OK without her (and really, you CAN). You need to show her that you are just fine. You need to show her that you have a life that doesn't revolve around her, and you need to DO that life.
All I can say is don't move, or talk to her until you read the book, because you're pushing her away.
Also, just a side note...you said that you tried to show her your love by buying her things, gifts, cards, etc... I'm guessing your love language is receiving gifts. Is that HER love language. I reccommend you also read the book the 5 Love Languages, figure out HER love language, and speak it.
Anyways, welcome. We know you're hurt, and we will help as able.
Me 36 Husband 35 D5 S2 separated: 10/29/07-present Served divorce papers 1/22/09 "When the world gives out beneath your feet, it is time to learn how to fly."
what hurts the most that after 7yrs she won't even give us a chance to make things better. now everything is out on the table. she is being all about her right now. all her friends are singel and that all she wants to do is go out and run around. text me last night and told me that we had to do something with the kids because she blew last night and could have beat them. i text her back and asked what she wanted me to do. i haven't had any problems with my kids i treat them they same as i did when i was home with them. the listen to me fine. she was always a push over with them and now it's biting her in the rear. what i've been saying sounds like i probably better off with out her but i just care for her so much... she's wierd i had to go to court today and she text me and told me goodluck and to call her when i'm done to let her know how it went. so i did and all she wanted to do was bite my head off about it.. i just want to give up. she said she doesn't want a d and wants her space and all this garbage but she keeps saying that she can't fall back in love the statistics prove it can't happen and this and that. i know i would be better off without her and happy but i just can't give up on her i care for her to much
You will always care for her. No matter how she hurts you, she is the mother of your children. You will always care for her. But eventually, the hurt will pass. Pretty soon, you are going to become angry with her actions. But before that, you will be desperate to try and save your marriage. you will do anything you think will help your save your marriage. When the thing you should do is STEP BACK. We men are fixers. We want to fix what is broken. Especially if we think we are the ones that broke it. If she wants space right now, what choice do you have but to give it to her? If the kids are getting on her nerves, listen and empathize. Do not try to rescue.
As the time passes, it is going to get easier. Trust me.
You will always care for her. No matter how she hurts you, she is the mother of your children. You will always care for her. But eventually, the hurt will pass. Pretty soon, you are going to become angry with her actions. But before that, you will be desperate to try and save your marriage. you will do anything you think will help your save your marriage. When the thing you should do is STEP BACK. We men are fixers. We want to fix what is broken. Especially if we think we are the ones that broke it. If she wants space right now, what choice do you have but to give it to her? If the kids are getting on her nerves, listen and empathize. Do not try to rescue.
As the time passes, it is going to get easier. Trust me.
You will always care for her. No matter how she hurts you, she is the mother of your children. You will always care for her. But eventually, the hurt will pass. Pretty soon, you are going to become angry with her actions. But before that, you will be desperate to try and save your marriage. you will do anything you think will help your save your marriage. When the thing you should do is STEP BACK. We men are fixers. We want to fix what is broken. Especially if we think we are the ones that broke it. If she wants space right now, what choice do you have but to give it to her? If the kids are getting on her nerves, listen and empathize. Do not try to rescue.
As the time passes, it is going to get easier. Trust me.
