The W said it was over last Thursday. She was weeping, grieving, etc. and it was pretty sickening.
She was still not being honest with me. I knew there was something brewing in her head.
Well, she decided taht she didn't like "how" they said their good-bye. It was 6 minute forced phone call. She got no "closure" from it. Uh huh.
Well, this weekend she comes to me and says, "I am going to do this with or without your blessing. At least I am telling you.... I am going to call him for closure and to say goodbye."
Despite my gut instinct of "NOOOOOOOOooo", and against the advice of friends, books, counselors, etc, I said "ok." I was promised the world if she could just have this one last thing (no contact, transparency, counseling, etc.) I let myself get manipulated.
I know I made a big mistake here. I am posting this message so you guys can maybe learn from my mistake. I gave her back control when I blessed the "goodbye" phone call. Not a good idea to give control back to the liar and the person who doesn't have me in her heart right now.
So, the "goodbye" withdrawal clock has been reset to zero. Plus, I won't really konw what was said in that phone call. Was it really a goodbye, or just some other BS.
I do know that her actions now speak very loudly and my radar is up more than ever. While I fumbled this one, I am not about to let one turnover cost me the game. I am as committed as ever to me, my family and working for what I want. I just have to get control back now before something else happens.
Well, look at the bright side: at least your "gut" is still working correctly.
As I told you yesterday, there's a reason why they tell you NOT to let these "closure"/goodbye phone calls or meetings happen, under ANY circumstances. Or, as someone very wise put it more succinctly:
"If you let them, the infidels idea of closure would be a cruise together, or one last f&$#. It doesn't work that way."
Your "fumble" analogy is a good attitude to take. In a football game, one fumble RARELY costs you the game. However, going "+3" on turnovers gives you over a 90% success rate, and conversely, going "-3" means you'll lose the game over 90% of the time.
Chin up -- not only does "-1" not cost you the game, I'll bet your wayward wife blew at LEAST one thing yesterday herself, so you're really at "even" on the "turnover" battle.
It's all about how you get back up on your horse and RESPOND now. Lovingly lead your wife, and shine a path back toward your marriage with your GAL stuff. Look good, smell good, and lead her thru a bullet-proof withdrawal period. She won't forget your efforts, I promise you.
Just wanted to do a little update. This helps me to post, and I hope helps some of you.
My W has been in the dumps about the ending of her A. She is really broken up about it, and doing a lot of moping around. She has said to friends that she is/was willing to give up EVERYTHING for this guy. He, on the other hand, is begging his wife for another chance.
I *think* that my W is starting to realize that she was played. I think she is seeing that this guy never intended on leaving his kids and wife for her. You never know, maybe he will one day, who knows. But the good thing for me is that she is realizing that the only one who is really willing to be there for her throughout her life, during thick or thin, sickness and heatlth, etc. is ME. She has let me know that she knows how much of a good man I am.
I would say that my days are about 23 1/2 hours of nothing but positivity, laughing, and realizing I am going to be just fine, with or without her. The other half hour of the day is marginal at best. The daunting task of the months/years of marital recovery (IF IT HAPPENS) are sometimes overwhelming. But with some GOOD friends and support, I am able to brave those mini-storms of doubt.
I exposed this A nearly two weeks ago. BEST THING I EVER DID. I know without a doubt I would be a 24 hour basket case if I had NOT done it. It has opened the eyes of me and my wife, in different ways. I am stronger every day because of it. Becuase I exposed it, she is starting to realize she has the best thing in the world right in front of her...and it isnt HIM!
There is a LOOOONNNGGGG road ahead. I am hoping for no setbacks or relapses. But if they come, I am pretty sure I can deal with them. I am hoping every day that the marriage works out for us. But if it doesn't, everything is going to be just fine for me and my kids.
Your attitude is amazing! I am very happy for you and your ability to see that you will live your life to the fullest with or without your W.
Great job!
Your W has to mourn the loss of that fantasy I'm afraid. There isn't much you can do to help her through it but you can certainly continue showing her that she really does have the best thing in the world through your living your life for YOU.
Latest Thread
Me: 39/W: 37 D13-D11-S8 M/T 14/20
EA confirmed: 9/13/07 D-Bomb: 9/19/07 OM Gone since 12/18/07 W wants to fix marriage: 3/16/07
Your attitude is amazing! I am very happy for you and your ability to see that you will live your life to the fullest with or without your W.
Great job!
Your W has to mourn the loss of that fantasy I'm afraid. There isn't much you can do to help her through it but you can certainly continue showing her that she really does have the best thing in the world through your living your life for YOU.
Latest Thread
Me: 39/W: 37 D13-D11-S8 M/T 14/20
EA confirmed: 9/13/07 D-Bomb: 9/19/07 OM Gone since 12/18/07 W wants to fix marriage: 3/16/07
My H was totally played too, by OW. He realized this on his own but he is reeling in self pity at the moment. Your W is going through normal stages, and maintaining as best she can. I see good things for you guys, hope it continues to go well.
Just thought I would post a quick update. It has been a week since contact was ended with the OM. My W is in some withdrawal, or at least that is what it looks like to me.
My W is walking around like an empty person right now. I have heard her use the word "numb" when she describes herself. It stinks to see her in so much pain, but it is also good to see her in pain, if you know what I mean. If she was happy and giddy I would know the A was on-going.
As much as I want to reach out and 'help', I can't do it. She has to help herself. This is a hard lesson for someone like me who is a 'fixer.' I have learned I can't control her, or fix her, be her therapist... none of that stuff. I just have to be supportive, like I said I would in my wedding vows. But I won't 'save her' from the consequences of her actions. She has to do that.
I do have a current issue with one of her 'friends' who has been enabling the A for months, and I think continues to be a conduit for information between my W and the OM. I am working on applying pressure to nip that.
I have read that there should be about 3 weeks of hard withdrawal for my W. 1 week complete. Hoping for no setbacks. Just have to stop that 'friend' of hers from enabling her and the OM to have indirect contact.
Each day, I am doing better. Starting to be able to focus on work again. I can't believe it has been only 15 days since I exposed the A, and roughly a month since I found out about it. It feels like years!
I can say without a doubt that I am going to be just fine, with or without her. We all are going to be just fine, with or without our spouses. I think it was that realization in particular that gave me a BUNCH of inner strength I didn't know I had. While I certainly want to be married and continue to build a great life for my kids, wife, and me, I know I am now not bound to the outcome of this sitch. I am only bound by the journey I am on. When we get tied to desperately wanting an outcome, then I think that is where we reach a point of feeling hopeless or helpless. But letting go of the desired outcome is the key, at least for me. Focus on the journey at hand, and try to enjoy it. Worrying about the destination only makes the journey much more difficult.
