I just want to make it better. . .

[seekpeaceofmind]

Enjoy your break, the change of scenery and air will do you good, more than you think. Does H know your away?

I'm a little stressed about it. I think the structure/demands of work is keeping me going and I'm afraid of having time on my hands. He knows I'm going and couldn't care less. I've gone away on my own before - I went on a couple of trips last year because he wouldn't go and it was important to me to "have a life". I called him this afternoon to make sure he was planning on taking our dogs while I'm gone. It's hard because talking to him almost feels like talking with someone I "used to know." He is so far away emotionally and I guess this week I am too. At some point self-preservation kicks in and you have to take your heart off your sleeve. I'm also very tired, so I'm sure that's not helping my frame of mind.

[Evie]

I felt like you are now before my trip in January.

You do have more time on your hands to think about the sitch (do we ever stop) without the structure and rountine of your day. I also slept a lot too on my trip. Take a good book to loose yourself in and focus on you and your folks. You can do it. I felt a lot stronger when I got back off my trip, although I didn't realise it at the time (I'm only weakening again now b/c i'm anxious about my trip next week).

Are working to a time frame? - maybe extend your time frame and give him more time?

Up until recently my H was continually contacting me and I think that can be as emotionally hard and draining as no contact at all, it sends out false hope, it was worse b/c it was never to see how I was, it was always to do with work or the boys at times i wanted to scream for him to leave me alone.

Enjoy the break - do your folks know about the sitch?

X Dis

[seekpeaceofmind]

I'm not really definite about a timeframe. I told him that I am giving him the time and space he needs now and that I didn't want to set a "deadline". But, I don't know how to deal with the open-endedness and I don't think he's comfortable with that, either. Right now I am not feeling very patient or understanding - more angry and 'disappointed'. One of the things I am p*ssed about is that I have a lot of extra house chores now and he went waltzing off to live in an apartment where he doesn't have to deal with the maintenance issues of a house in the country during a snowy/icy winter. But, then he just called to see if I need him to clear snow off the roof (I do) - so he isn't completely shirking his responsibilities, just mostly. And, I know, compared to those of you dealing with kids and farms or businesses, etc, I have nothing to complain about, so I feel petty and that p*sses me off, too!

I'm hoping to get into a better mood by the time I land in Florida. . . . My folks do know almost everything and that is another stress b/c they were very supportive at first of DB, but now they are getting into "go on with your life." I've planned to just say, "I appreciate your concern, but I need to handle this my way and in my time, even if it means that I am unhappy sometimes." We'll see how that goes. Best strategy is to avoid the talk altogether by being happy and upbeat while around them, but I don't know if I can pull that off. I guess it would be good practice for DB if I ever get a chance to spend time with my H again.

Definitely, time to perk up. Sleep will help with that.

[seekpeaceofmind]

Another quote I've had for a long time:
"The universe says loss demands birth and the two are lovers."

For me, this relates to the concept that we must be open to each experience, even this painful time of separation and loss so that we can learn from it and be open to the next step in our journey. I was reading a magazine article about this that talked about how so often we run from and avoid our painful experiences. We have the feeling "I don't want this to be happening". But if we run from it, we will not learn.

Another thing in the article I really liked was a statement that this experience of not wanting things to be this way is a link with humanity - a shared experience all over the world. That connects with how I feel about being able to come to this site and remember that my feelings and my experience are not unique and that I have this bond with so many others.

[Kalni]

Another quote I've had for a long time:
Another thing in the article I really liked was a statement that this experience of not wanting things to be this way is a link with humanity - a shared experience all over the world. That connects with how I feel about being able to come to this site and remember that my feelings and my experience are not unique and that I have this bond with so many others.

You are so right about this last part. For me it's amazing how many stories are alike and how people react the same way to this kind of loss. And do not compare your feelings to those of others with kids etc. etc. We are all on the same boat here... Pain is pain. The inner struggle is similar too. For me my kids are an extra source of frustration about their well being but also a great source of power for mine. So, after reading all these threads here, I can't really say who is in a worst position or not. It's how each one of us ends up dealing with it that matters.

Take care
Kalni

[seekpeaceofmind]

On vacation - So far, so good. Not sure this is really a healing time for me, but it is a relief to get out of the northern winter.

One of the things that keeps coming up in my reading is the power of meditation. I've never tried and kind of shy from the whole idea when I am stressed. My theory is that sitting around meditating is just an invitation for all my negative thoughts to start roaming around in my head. That's the last thing I want, but maybe I've got the wrong idea about it. One article I read talked about "compassion meditation", and I can relate to the idea of meditating with a specific focus. Something to add to my self improvement list.

[seekpeaceofmind]

Everything that is happening in my sitch right now is in my own head. Out of nowhere, negativity can come in and take hold of me. I'll go along for a few days feeling ok and then b/c sad and down for no reason. It's not like there is any change or behavior that I am reacting to. It's just my own thoughts. Part of it is the fact that there is no change - I'm not expecting anything, but it is still hard when I feel the gaps in my life from my H's absence. Every night when I go to bed, every day with NC. I miss him and I'm mad at him at the same time.

Sometimes I feel stunned to realize that he is not the faithful person that I thought he was. It's not that he is cheating on me with another woman, but he is not faithful to our M vows and I never thought that he was the type to walk away. Even though I knew he had 2 failed Ms before me, I thought it was b/c he married those women for the wrong reasons and that they had issues that made it reasonable for him to leave. Now, I am wondering if this is just the way he is - unable to make and keep a commitment.

[seekpeaceofmind]

Back from vacation - home to a cold, empty house. I can't imagine how this would be if I didn't have pets - my dogs and cat are glad to see me and I can at least feel that I am important to them. H had dogs at his apt the past 10 days while I was gone. The schedule was for him to bring them back this evening so that they would be here by the time I got home and that's what he did. I couldn't help but notice and feel hurt that there was no note, no phone message, no acknowledgement of any kind from him. Would it really take too much out of him to leave a friendly note of welcome back or about how the dogs did with him or is the one dog's limp better now. I feel like I am a complete nonentity to him. Was it really so awful in our M? Does he hate me? It seems like he has this really deep anger toward me that he won't even allow himself to recognize, much less deal with.

I am trying so hard to get centered and find my acceptance of this loss and change, but I can't seem to get there.

[Jbly]

I am hear for a very different reason. I will be divorced in the next month after 12 years of marriage. My wife was bitter and wanted out. I was very alone for a while and after several dates found an amazing woman. While dating before I met her though I had gotten into exchanging adult pictures and such which in a relationship is ok but not with other people. We were engaged until a few weeks ago when she broke things off because of my actions. I have started counseling and wish to repair the relationship but am not sure what I should do. I have cleared my life of any past relationship, changed phone numbers, email address, closed unused email address. I want her back so bad. She is still upset with me, we had talked about this before and while I thought I had taken the necessary action to keep people from sending me pictures I still got them and sent two pictures in the last three months. I didn't think, it somehow seemed careless so with counseling I will get this resolved if it kills me. I can't make her want to take me back, all I can do is show her that I have changed and have safe guards that will keep me this way, and that I can be trusted to not send pictures that should be meant for her and only her as she put it. Is there hope? Will I ever hold the love of my life again?

[Evie]

Hi seek,

Glad to see you back safe and well, how was the trip? Do you feel better in yourself for having some time away?

I don't have any advice, but to just to let you know i'm here and listening.

I don't think your H hates you, he probably feels quilty for the pain he is causing you and needs more time to conclude what he does want.

How did his x wifes behave when they split up?

Could you possibly phone/txt H and keeping the conversation light and fluffy thank him for looking after the pets and ask after them? See how the conersation goes and maybe invite him over for brunch or a coffee over the weekend? Could you buy him a thank you card or a small gift of appreciation?

What's his LL?

((((seek)))

x eve