Looking backward but only to move forward SEVEN

[sage]

Hi everyone,

Thanks for the replies. I didn't mean to post and run (or whine and run) in my case (!!) but after I posted I just couldn't face coming back knowing how much work I have to do. Doesn't that sound awful? Sage of the color-coded goals, who would spend hours tackling the most minute of 180s?

Old timer, your point #2 "
(2) Withholding being a good spouse is just like withholding sex. You are going to wind up with a lousy marriage, no matter how justified your resentment leading to the withholding behavior." was a nice little wake-up call and a good counterpoint to my DB-laziness.

So, to address some of the points well made ...

Ellie and Cat, I'm kind of embarrassed to admit that we do go out 3-4 times a month (and we still can't keep harmony???!!! :-) ). It's costing us a fortune (cheaper than therapy I suppose) but we are lucky enough to have a great babysitter come usually 1x/week. Now, interestingly, LAST weekend (when I posted) Charlotte was sick so we were not able to go out.

Firekeeper, you asked how I was different pre-pregnancy and Oldtimer you said "Why can't your H grow up and feel/act like a good, strong, responsible, effective man in your life?", well the answer is that while DB'ing I learned to slow down, stop taking over everything, give h some space to be in charge, let him do things at his own pace and then I gave him oodles of appreciation for it. A win all around. Simply put, I'm much higher energy than he is so if something "needed" to be done, I did it and then resented him for not doing more. When I was actively DB'ing I re-wrote what it "needed" meant and started waiting longer before doing something and then h would get around to do it and I would lavish praise AND be happy about not having to do everything. That doesn't feel so simple to me now.

This is the MOST trivial, stupid, lameA$$ example but here goes: Charlotte is in daycare near my work, 40 minutes from home. H gets home most days around 5:30, I get home 45-60 minutes later with the girl. There's a good chance that she is going to "need" to eat pretty soon after walking in the door (despite the snack I feed her in the car on the way home)...do you see where this is going? Even though I spend time on the weekends cooking meals in advance so that we have stuff in the fridge, h seems to find it impossible to pull dinner together so that I don't walk in the door with a toddler clinging to my leg and have to work at dinner. Or, more honestly, he's able to do it for a day or two in a row and then he stops and then I complain and then...I KNOW it's stupid. and I KNOW that pre-DB I would have taken about 5 steps backwards and let him figure out that if he doesn't pull dinner together, we don't eat, and after enough time he would figure that out and start making dinner and I would be happy and praise him, etc.

Firekeeper, we just had a TON more time together pre-baby. H is a quality time guy through and through and not getting my undivided attention as much is taking its toll on him.

Valerie, thank you SO MUCH. You guys are all giving me the motivation to get my head screwed on straight.

Old timer, I'm not suspicious of an EA/PA at the moment. It's actually been a refreshing feeling of late as there have been moments in the last few years where I could not say that.

So, in all honesty, for all of my irritation, h has been doing more and is great with Charlotte. It just feels like pulling teeth sometimes. I can't quite answer the probing question about goals :-) quite yet but I can tell you the things that I think are in my power to change that are messing us up:

1. I feel angry, resentful, and/or impatient with h quite frequently.

2. I'm tired and spent and use that to justify not trying harder with h.

3. I feel disconnected from him and actually from a lot of people lately. This is reminiscent of pre-DB'ing when I just felt impatient with the world in general. I want to get back to a more peaceful state of mind.

4. Our sex life is non-existent. It would be easy for me to tell you that this is him not me but as we all know, it ain't that simple. What am I doing (or not) that's keeping him from being interested? (See anger, resentment and impatient comment above to start!)

5. He doesn't get my full attention at home even when it's just the two of us. By the time we get time together in the evening I just want to curl up and relax or read (or try to clean the house or get stuff done for tomorrow, etc.). Gone are the days when I would sit in rapt attention for him.

6. In general there's so much more tension and stress and chaos in the house than there was during DB'ing. Yes, the 30 inch 2 year old has lots to do with this but I've let it spill over into areas it doesn't need to.

OK, that's enough to start. I should probably do some work :-)

Back with goals soon (no more hiding my head in the sand!).

Sage