Unrequited Love...

[bhopeful]

That's the thing. She started wearing one of hers after I took mine off... Try to figure that one out...

Albeit, it's not the ring that I gave her, it still meant the same thing when she got it. Also she hasn't worn a ring since October. You are correct in that I took mine off out of being hurt quite badly. Thanks for calling me out on that. I think that I'll put it back on.

[JennyF]

Hey B,
I took mine off the day of the bomb and never put them back on. Mine were thrown across the coffee table though...not placed.
Do what you feel is right.

But I would try to avoid asking your W what is going on. I don't think she knows. Just let her do what seems to be coming naturally without pressuring her to define it. At least not for a little while, it's only been two days.

Yeah it's confusing...but isn't confusion better than really know sometimes?

For what it's worth, I think she DOES think she made the worst mistake of her life the other night. I think she was expecting a totally different reaction from you that what you gave her and it made her think.

Good sign she's wearing a ring on that finger. I think most girls take that finger very seriously...uhh, let me explain that! That finger of mine was always bare until there was an engagement ring on it...it's there to say, I'm taken. But just this chicks opinion!
J~

[transformer]

Bhopeful,

Wow... what a crazy ride!!! Even though she is swinging back and forth it sounds like when she swings close it is closer every time. You are doing SUCH a good job... I thought the way you handled the IM's was perfect. Man!!!

I was thinking about what I wrote about the Peace Corps earlier and what Jenny said. i think a lot of times on the board we can end up trashing the WAS dreams that are involved in their walking away. But nothing is wrong with having those dreams or trying to reach for them. It just really hurts when that behavior is part of the craziness. But everyone on this earth has things they would like to improve about their lives. I think it is beautiful that you guys were talking about doing the Peace Corps before. I remembered how excited she was a while back about a possible all-expenses paid-by-om trip to Spain...?? So it sounds like there is a yearning for adventure in her heart that is real. For example if she was acting this way while she was still with you and it didn't involve her abandoning her H, we would say, WOW, this woman is a powerhouse, she is totally reaching for her dream and making a fulfilling life for herself. But when it is part of the WA, everyone (myself included) leaps to demean the dream. isn't that strange??? I think we are just threatened by the dreams because they threaten our connection to the one we love.

There are a bunch of ways to volunteer abroad shorter term. Maybe you could look into that and share that with her? I know it may be a while before she's up for traveling together but maybe you could, you know, take 2 weeks to go volunteer/vacation in guatemala together or something like that!

I was just thinking about how many times on the board we trash the WAS's dreams because they're all wrapped up in the experience of abandonment. But dreams are good, right? In "7 principles of making marriage work" john gottman writes about how every unresolvable conflict is the result of a Buried Dream. And by excavating the dreams we can resolve the conflicts, or at least understand them better.

That's what I was thinking about today...

Keep us posted, Bhopeful!! I am learning so much from you.

((HUGS))
T

[bhopeful]

Hey Jenny.

I told myself a while ago that I would continue to wear my ring until a divorce was final. Well, I let my emotions control my actions (never a good thing to do) and took my ring off. So in order to be true to the commitment that I made to myself, I put it back on.

I think that she takes the wearing of a ring pretty seriously too. She bought the other ring because she didn't want to not wear a ring. She's never worn it as far as I know since October.

I don't plan on asking her anything for the time being. I'm just going to go with the flow...

Thanks for the input,
B

[bhopeful]

Wow... what a crazy ride!!!

You're telling me...

I completely agree with what you are saying about WAS dreams. I try not to squash her dreams or put them down. I probably did on here (the boards), but to her face I tried to be as supportive as I could. I couldn't bring myself to tell her to join the Peace Corps because of the time commitment and in my selfish mind I couldn't bring myself to tell her to go away for so long. I did try to tell her that there were other organizations that you could still go abroad with that have shorter time commitments. She wasn't really open to suggestions at that point, so I don't think that she really heard me.

I am learning so much from you.

You are? I feel like I'm a bit lost and floundering right now. I'm glad that you can see something helpful in my story. It makes me smile just to know that.

Peace,
B

[bhopeful]

She just IMd me about another meeting tonight and asked if she could come here after work and hang out until the meeting and then come back here afterwards and spend the night...

Not that I'm complaining, but didn't she tell me that it was all over with Tuesday night? If I had to choose one word to describe the current events, I would be hard pressed to pick between confusing and surreal...

[transformer]

I've read that sometimes the WAS has to go through a period where it's fully and completely over in their mind before they can re-commit. Maybe that is what is going on in her head? Maybe she had to say, this is really totally over, before she could start moving closer to you? But it seems like normally there is more time between the declaration of it's over and the motion towards recomittment. It's also possible that she is just kind of yo-yo-ing around. I am not sure either...

But I know you are strong and will DB amazingly!!! you are doing such a good job, bbhopeful!!

T

[Kalni]

Hi B,

I just wanted to let you know that I think you are handling this in an amazing manner. You are a wise, strong person and I am sure your efforts will be rewarded. Think of her as a "spring" -is that how you call it?- it streches and streches as far away as possible, only to hit back at the base (you) with a lot of power.
(Ok this wasn't explained very well but try to picture it)

You'll be fine. Take care


Kalni

[bhopeful]

I've read that sometimes the WAS has to go through a period where it's fully and completely over in their mind before they can re-commit. Maybe that is what is going on in her head?

If that is the case (and I'm not sure at this point since she hasn't said anything about recommitting but her actions are those of someone who is), then this has to be the quickest turn around in history. It was less than 24 hours! Only time will tell though.

She just showed up and I'm still working, but she's once again wearing her ring. She better be careful otherwise it might become a habit.

[bhopeful]

Hi Kalni!

Thanks for the input. I understand what you are trying to say and it makes sense to me.

You take care too. Have a wonderful weekend.

Peace,
B