Loving a WAS isn't easy

[BryanR]

I know with his half of the money he WILL spend it unwisely and then sure as history always repeats itself we will need that money for a bill or mortgage.


MMB,

It is tough. But the way I see it is that you can't control what he does, you can only control what YOU do. So if he is going to spend the money on the bike, then that is what he is going to do. However, if you spend your money on a vacation and there is little or no money left (after the two of you do your spending) for bills then you aren't much different than he is.

Sure you want to give the kids something to help them take their minds off of the sitch, but in the long run maybe if you set something up on a regular basis with your kids closer to home that they can always count on happening it might do more for them than taking them on a vacation for a week that will only be a temporary fix.

I don't have a lot of money to spend on my kids, but I try to make sure that they have regular things around here that THEY like to do with me so things can feel a little bit normal each and every day. I have come to realize that it is more the time I spend with them than the money I spend ON them. They light up when we have those times. I am sure that they'd love a vacation to get away from the pain that the W and I are putting them through, but then they'd just have to come home to the reality that nothing has really changed in their lives.

I would never try to tell you what to do. I can only tell you how I approach the topics that you have mentioned. I know that you are in a tough spot. I also know that if you love your H unconditionally that after a while he will see how strong that is and start to make the right decisions without you having to tell him what those decisions should be.

Maybe it wouldn't be so bad to let him do what he will with his share of the refund. I am not sure that it is a battle worth fighting at this point. I have come across similar things with my W and as much as I want to call her and say "Stop spending so much money!" I have decided to just ask for her help in putting together a budget for the family. I won't badger her about it and I plan to do somethings to help a bit more but I am going to make this work with or without her help.

I am not sure if this helps you or not, but it is what is in my head and heart. Keep up the good work, you have done some great things and there is more work to be done. You can do this!

-B