Piecing? Sexual issues? hmm...not sure

[hopeforfuture]

Mom of 2,
You haven't posted on here in a few days. Are you still looking at the boards? Anyway, I've been wanting to post a response on your thread so here goes...

Retrovaille went VERY well. H and I really connected had great sex in the days after, but then reality kicks in again. My lack of desire for my husband has returned. I love him but I am just not interested in having that kind of relationship with him. Something about him just turns me off, I am not turned on by him AT ALL. I can't figure it out. He's a very good looking man, lot's of women find him attractive, etc. I just don't feel the chemistry.

I haven't seen or talked to OG since the last big blow up - 3 or 4 weeks now. I miss OG terribly, but have made a promise that I would not contact him ever again. Yet I don't know what to do about my lack of attraction to my H.

Retrovaille is great at getting us to talk and connect that way, but it is not helping me desire him any more than I have for past 13 years.

Isn't it possible to just love someone as your best friend but not sexually.

Sure it is possible to love someone just a friend, but I see the physical bond and the intimacy as what sets a marriage apart from other relationships. I think the physical intimacy is essential in a marriage and part of what builds such a close connection. It is a different form of communication and really is a gift to each other. (not to mention exciting and fun)

Why is this so hard for him to understand? Why don't I feel this for him?

I think it may be hard for him to understand because he does realize that you are a very sexual person and most of the time, the sex really is great and mutually fulfilling. I don't know why you don't feel this at this time. Please be patient though. Part of it may be the lingering feelings from OG. Part of it may be restoring the emotional connection with H. Both cases require time to get there, but I know that H is willing to make that investment for a stronger and more fulfilling relationship.

Anyway, I should give advice, and it's this: Love is a decision. Are you going to love your H or not? If the answer is no or I'll tolerate him as long as possible, then cut him loose. He'll be better off without you. If you make the decision that you'll love him, then start loving him without all this baggage of, "I never loved him. Something about him bugged me. I'm not attracted to him." Just make the conscious effort to show him love, and show him in his love language (you should read the 5 love languages, by Gary Chapman and so should your husband). And he'll likely show you love back. But it might not be the way you want to be loved, so try the book together, and be honest about how you want to be loved. Armed with that knowledge, you might start feeling love and an interest in sex may blossom. But, you should realize that sometimes being loving is to have sex when you don't feel the drive. Might try spicing things up a bit.

I know it appeared as though Just_Me was attacking. I too was irritated when he said you should just let H go. You are on this board looking for advice and truly working on your marriage and should be commended for that. Not many people would have the courage to come on here and post as honestly as you have.

Just_Me does offer some good advice, though. The whole idea that love is a decision and the reference to the love languages. I really do believe that if you are getting your emotional needs fulfilled, the physical desires will follow. I know that H isn't selfish and is willing to do what it takes to fulfill whatever needs you may have.