Wow, I'm rambling today. Anyway, I decide that if H was out to dinner w/ her lastnight I had to get his mind back on me. I sent him a pic. msg of something that was surely not on the menu. Didn't hear anything so 1 1/2 hours later I sent him a msg. asking if there was anything good. H said nothing on the menu was as good as what was on his phone. Made me feel better. Then we ended up sending a few more msg. before I went to bed.
That's awesome
Glad to hear he's keeping in contact. You two seem to really have the whole flirting thing down...
You should make up a menu for when he comes home and ask him if there is anything on there that he likes
Yeah we are doing good w/ the flirting, but that seems to be it. A week ago he used the Ds being here as an excuse. I guess I need to get rid of them and make up a menu. Thanks for the idea.
Wow! You have a lot more fun with your phone than I do....but mine doesn't take pictures so that limits my abilities.
Anyway, some more positive interaction. That is good! And maybe H was sounding uninterested on the phone the other night b/c he is tired, tired of being on the road, or just wasn't in a talking mood. Sometimes I assign feelings to my H's behaviors and find out when talking to him later that I was off the mark.
The comment about you being better than anything on the menu can't be taken as anything but a good thing, right??
Yeah it is good, especially since I am very sure that at least one of the EAs is on the trip and would have been at dinner.
I have to get some things off of my chest and then I need to focus on positives.
1. I am bothered that at least one EA is probably on the trip w/ H. 2. I saw on our cell phone bill that H has made some calls after leaving hear in the evening from where EA#2 lives. 3. H was short w/ me on the phone today when I wanted to talk to him about D and taking her to the Dr. I know he was meeting w/ new company and it is important, but D is more important. I hate when H makes me feel like he is bothering me.
Positives 1. H called early this morning to talk to D10. That means he had to set his alarm for 3:30. 2. H did respond to my attempt to flirt by text w/ a text. His text didn't seem to show he understood my text and it was after I was fast asleep. 3. H told me to have a good day when he called this morning.
3. H was short w/ me on the phone today when I wanted to talk to him about D and taking her to the Dr. I know he was meeting w/ new company and it is important, but D is more important. I hate when H makes me feel like he is bothering me.
I'm not going to defend your H here, but personally I have a tough time 'task switching', especially when I am immersed in a particular situation. It's easy to get distracted and not be able to focus on the phone conversation.
It used to drive my W nuts when I'd tell her I'd have to call her back, or something. I make a point now of behaving completely differently, which I know my W appreciates. I might have to walk out of a meeting or go somewhere private, but she knows I'll deal with the problem there and then.
So, I'd probably give him the benefit of the doubt on this one and see how he responds to you and the Ds when he's back in town.
3. H was short w/ me on the phone today when I wanted to talk to him about D and taking her to the Dr. I know he was meeting w/ new company and it is important, but D is more important. I hate when H makes me feel like he is bothering me.
I'm not going to defend your H here, but personally I have a tough time 'task switching', especially when I am immersed in a particular situation. It's easy to get distracted and not be able to focus on the phone conversation.
It used to drive my W nuts when I'd tell her I'd have to call her back, or something. I make a point now of behaving completely differently, which I know my W appreciates. I might have to walk out of a meeting or go somewhere private, but she knows I'll deal with the problem there and then.
So, I'd probably give him the benefit of the doubt on this one and see how he responds to you and the Ds when he's back in town.
I get the part that he couldn't talk and I can get over that. It is that he was so short w/ me and made me feel as if I was a nuisance. What I can't forgive is that he never asked last night when he called how she was and if I took her to the doctor.
I saw my C and for about the first time I feel worse after going than before going. Two weeks ago I got such positive feedback and she thought that there might actually be hope. Today I got mostly negative feedback. She asked why I still want to be married to H and why I keep trying. To her H sounds like a horrible person. I can't really think of a reason other than I still love him, but I can't come up with any reasons why I love him. She pointed out how poorly he treats me and that he has hidden so much from me and doesn't tell me so many things. He is on the phone w/ D15 now, didn't try calling until after D10 was being put to bed. I have missed several calls to him tonight and have nothing to say to him.
H was talking to D15 on her phone and asked to talk to me. He said he had been trying to call on my phone for 1/2 an hour. Looked and told him the ringer was still off from my app. today. Mentioned that he didn't try calling till I was putting D to bed. Saw he also sent me a text saying he just got out of meetings. H started talking about stuff going on w/ work and was talkative for him. Ended up being on the phone for almost 20 min. which is a record for us these days. I asked what time he gets in tomorrow and if he was going to the house or work from the airport. H said he would come to the house if he was allowed. I hate when he acts like he needs my permission to see the Ds because I have let him do whatever the he!! he wants.
I can't really think of a reason other than I still love him, but I can't come up with any reasons why I love him.
I find this happens with me - My feelings for W will ebb and flow. Sometimes I really don't feel like I'm wanting to save the M, other than because it feels like the right thing to do. Other days, I really feel my true feelings for W.
Give it a day or two and see how you feel. It might be helpful to write stuff down when you have a good day so you can communicate it to your C if you can't get your head around it at your next appt.
Ended up being on the phone for almost 20 min. which is a record for us these days.
Hello lizzy,
make sure you keep focussing on those positives. Does wonders. I am in a good place right now...still separated....not sure where I'm going to end up, but I'm on a "confidence" plateau.
My W invited me out tonight...one of many invites within the last couple of weeks....it sounds a bit wimpy, an H invited out by his W....whatever...it is happening. We went for a few beers with other friends. W is all friendly when she invites me on the phone, but as usual, she seems angry (or something close to it) when I arrive. I arrived 30 minutes after they did and my greeting from W is, "where have you been?"
I should be journaling this on my own thread, but somehow it seems pertinent to your situation.
I have come to realise in the last few weeks that W seems/seemed to be always angry. Muggins here used to get the brunt of this anger. Whether it was something at her job, stress from traffic jams, one of her family in crisis, or whatever. In those "old days" of our R, whenever she got angry, I found myself reacting directly to that and getting angry as well.
Then I read a success story on these boards....I can't find it now... that success story made a recommendation to read something called 'Let it go' by T.D. Jakes. I googled it, found it, read it......adapted it for my own situation....and you know what.....because of that one internet page, I feel great.
When my W asked me angrily where I had been, I didn't get angry with her...I don't even remember what I said....I just 'let it go'. A bit later, I jokingly asked W to go to the bar and buy me a beer...it was a joke and never expected W to do it. She replied with some angry comment. Five minutes later, she got up, went to the bar and came back with a beer for me. She didn't even get one for herself. The cynic in me starts to imagine that she flobbed (spat) in it or something, but I know she didn't.
Anyway...the conclusion is that my W is consistently trying to make me react to her anger...when I don't she seems to get angrier. However her 'real' action though was to get up go to the bar and get me a beer.
The point of this rambling is not only to suggest that you don't react to his actions (easier said than done), but to try and find that T.D. Jakes stuff and see if you can adapt it to your own situation.
You are doing your best for yourself and D....why let him spoil it for you? If he doesn't ask about D's doctor appointments..... If he feels he needs to ask permission for things.....whatever...that is his 'funk'.
Me 44 W 39 M 10yrs (together 13 years) one D 8 ILYBINILWY Feb 2007 Separated - 5th September 07
Will get there in the end. Will get there in the end 2.
We are in the exact same spot. I had a session with my C last night and in the end she told me she is all FOR the couple if they both want to be together, BUT she thinks I have a low self esteem problem because I seem to feel he is OK for me when he is not. She thinks he is a weak, unstable person and I need and deserve better (huh?).
She says most strong women settle for less because they are afraid they will not find what they really need. That's BS for me. Th weird thing I am experiencing at the moment is that although I really love(d) my H, the last couple of days I am feeling I am detaching rather fast. I can't help it and it seems I am going into a deep mourning phase (no crying and staff but silently aknowledging it's over inside). As BritinOH says, I am going to give it a couple of days/week to see how I will feel later. It could be the rollercoaster as most say. Who knows?
What I recognised as well, is that both of us seem to do fine on a everyday basis and feel strong enough and then something doesn't go as planned in our heads (phonecalls, interactions, etc) and it sets us back. As you may have guessed, he didn't call on Thursday and when I went to my C we talked about it and she pointed out that it shouldn't bother me but it did (I had planned not to see him anyway).
I don't know Liz, I feel I was better off on the early stages of all this, ever since I noticed small positive baby steps, I've become too eager for some action I don't see.
I think we must concetrate on what we want and check if anything has changed for us inside.
