ntl, I want to tell you how much I admire you for hanging in there with H, he's really a very lucky man to have someone like you on his side. I also admire you for your emotional control. This is a very contentious issue, and carefully hidden and also denied. And yet so common. Mary Anne Layden in her article on the effects of pornography (written a few years ago) said there were 80 SAA meetings in the Delaware Valley alone (pop. 6 million)

I'm sorry you don't have anyone other than me to discuss this with right now, I'm kind of groping my way through this issue, wondering still how exactly it affects my sitch. I learned enough by reading to know that porn really does a number on men and affects their primary relationship, often rendering them impotent with their partner (and we obligingly come to the rescue by believing there's something wrong with us that our husbands are not sexually attracted to us -- typical!) Let me tell you, now that H no longer has a PC/access to porn he is plenty interested, and also is no longer sniffing around OP looking for action.

I had some conversation on another forum with a woman married to a high profile trial lawyer (both in their 50's) who was convinced that her H was SA because he had multiple EMA's throughout the course of the marriage. She mentioned in passing that another lawyer in the law firm had been promoted to partner and the whole office was celebrating by going out after work to a strip club. I asked her why she hadn't confronted H on this behavior and drew so much criticism from other LBS it was remarkable -- this was supposed to be 'normal', it was going too far to require husbands to abstain from strip clubs or porn.

[quote=ntl

...they are very anti AA type programs.

...my experience was scary. The women were so negative and were so bashing. It was like they were waiting for their H's to trip up and the whole meeting was about H's slipping back in to old behaviors... ...Perhaps it was just the dynamic of the meeting I visited, but I was very put off.

[/quote]

I also got that idea from reading about the Rational Recovery program. I got the idea the main selling point for this program was that it got the person away from having to deal with the 12-step program. But I dunno, ntl. The 12-step programs were the only thing that really worked with alcoholics. And I think 'having to deal' is part of the deal. But on the other hand, your therapist seemed to feel OK about Rational Recovery.

Good for you, ntl, for going to the wives group -- you really are doing everything you can to help with H's recovery. It sounds like it was a harrowing experience. I have read about the phenonemon of 'a sick meeting' -- I attended Al-Anon meetings for awhile, the program for family of alcoholics, my father was an alcoholic -- and the advice was that if you were pretty uncomfortable in a meeting to seek out another one.

Keep updating, I'm interested in this topic and am happy to discuss it with you.