No Expectations 4

[2ndnoah]

Question for those out there that are more experience in MLC than I am. How much longer does this go on??? When do you throw in the towel??? H left almost 5 months ago (9/24/07). Has never given me a second look or indication of coming home. My sons 15&19 and his relationship has declined until now they want nothing to do with him. They do not want to talk to him or see him. Up until 2 weeks ago, when I became mutual, I encouraged them to have a relationship with H. Over the past months, I have made excuses for, taken up for, promoted, etc. for H in the eyes of my sons. I have taken a back step in H and my sons relationship and am letting my sons decide. This is soooo hard.

Actually, every aspect of my life is very hard at this point. When does this get easier??? When does my life get back on track??? When does my H come home??? When do I have control over me and my life??? When do I quit asking people....co-workers, relatives, strangers, neighbors, etc. for advice??? I have never been so confuse, undecided, hurt, devastated, crushed, reliable on society, etc. in all my life. I do not know from one day, one hour, one minute or second what will happen. I have never in my life, evaluated everything I do and say, down to every word, I speak. As well as how each word will be taken and this is to every person I speak to. I have never in my life tip-toed so that I feel if I move one way, do or say my world will fall down even more around me. I have never prayed so much in my life and feel that God has forgotten me. I just want this nightmare to end and me and my boys life back on track with hubby in it. How much longer will it take???

I feel like I am in a water well that has water pouring into it and I can not get out. Is all my efforts, sleepless nights, worry, frustration, hurt, and prayers ever going to payoff??? And how much longer is it going to take??? I feel so helpless in all that I do.

I have read Divorce Remedy over and over. I have the hardest time applying the 180 adise in the book due to H not having any contact with me. I wondered if I went ahead and filed the big D (which I do not want) would this make him wake up and come home??? Also, his clothes are still in the closent, in the dresser, even his toothbrush, razor, and other stuff are still in the bathroom. Actually, everything he has has been left just the way he left it 4 1/2months ago. It's like he died and nothing has been changed. I wonder....if I boxed his stuff up and took it to him or call him to pick it up if that would be an eye opener or change anything???

H has never admited to having a girlfriend and never will....people have to me they are sure he does (but have never seen him with anyone). My question is.....does someone walkout on their family, their childhood sweetheart after 25-31 years, giving up everything they own, their financial security, as well as their life, friends and loved ones if they don't have someone else??? Where does the courage come from to leave to begin with as well as continue to stay gone, if they aren't being ego busted by a girlfriend???? Help!

H emailed me today, said he wanted to come get his personal stuff and everything else he wanted this weekend. Crap! One step closer to D. I do not want this! This hurts my heart so. I am so lost. Why is this happening?