I talked to my friend Richie who, when I mentioned the 'You won't let me love you, etc, etc' said "Well, thanks a F'ing lot for telling you NOW when she is 'done' instead of 6 months ago when you could have DONE something about it."
In fairness, I said that she has sometimes said that she 'needs me to let her do loving things for me', in fact you may recall that the week between when she got back from Rome where she was 'unsure' about what she wanted (and was texting her friend) she had said something like that to me at lunch. But it was a casual comment, NOT a 'I NEED this from you or WE can't be together!'.
It has never been that kind of comment, a 'life or death of the relationship' comment.
Anyway, I decided that I don't want to live with the anger, and the back and forth mean attitudes. So when she came back from work a short while ago I went and talked with her and said that I didn't hate her, I don't want to hate her and that I want to get along till June. I also said that I cannot and will not expose myself to her having affairs with other men while she's living here. She said she'd also do her best to get along with me.
I opened my arms, and then gave her a hug.
I started to walk away and she said "what do you think we should do about custody of the kids? I don't think you should have sole custody"
So I said "Well, I have no intention of keeping them from you and shared custody is fine."
L: Yeah, but I might only end up with a one bedroom apt and we'd all sleep in the same room. I don't think it's fair because I'm the one who knows all the kids routines, I guess you could learn them. But you have to promise me if you are having a night when you are DRINKING again that you'll let them call me and I can come and get them so they don't feel unsafe if you are 'checked out' like that.
Me: I don't ever intend on allowing that into my life again. I know how I end up that way and I'm never going through those emotional cycles again.
L: Maybe not, but you might find yourself feeling like it and I think the girls should be able to call me if they need me.
Me: Lorri, they should be able to call you ANY TIME if they feel like they need you. Maybe they need a hug, maybe they just need their mom. They're 12 and 17 now, I think they can make choices like that and I'd never try to stop them (I never have so far, why would I start?).
L: Well, I'd never stop them from calling you if they need you either.
L: Why should I be the one to move out, like I'm being punished for not wanting to be married any more. Why don't I stay in the house and you get an apt?
Me: Because it costs a lot to keep this house and I'm more likely to afford it.
L: But if we sold it we'd get some money, I saw houses for $xxx for sale that aren't as nice as ours. You'd have to buy me out or something since we share the debt we have.
Me: That's true, but just because the houses are LISTED for $xxx doesn't mean they'll be sold. AT best we'd have $50k to split after selling this house, most likely we'd have $25k but there's a stronger possibility we'd really get little or nothing beyond the sale price. House prices are still going down, not up.
L: Well, I could keep it if I had a roommate and you paid support, although I know you won't have to pay much because of your financials.
Me: (I explained about debt, transfer of assets, other stuff. She kept going back to how she didn't think she had to move out, that it should be me. She wants to be 'mom' and stay with the girls. I kept saying that to do that would take a lot more money than she has, and more than she could get from me. That if we sold the house and actually got some money it would be a short term gain but in the long term we both lose.)
L: Well, I guess our financial situation is a reflection of the [censored] that was our relationship.
Me: (stopping for a moment, then saying this quietly) Lorri, our relationship wasn't all [censored]. It was a lot of good stuff. We found ourself in a lot of [censored] and didn't handle it properly.
L: I didn't mean it was all [censored], I meant we got ourselves into this financial [censored]. This is the way it turned out and now we're done and picking up the pieces of our lives.
Me: Everything can be changed Lorri, everything can be changed.
Then I left to go take a shower. I'm back in my office working now. Life goes on.
