Slept on the couch last night. W gets up at 6:30 like normal and I get up and bring the blanket to the downstairs bedroom. As I walk by she says "I'm sorry I left stuff on the bed downstairs so you couldn't sleep in it". I said "I wouldn't sleep in that bed if my life depended on it."
As I went upstairs she said something to me, I forgot what, and I just said "So, did you get your morning text message from Jeffy?" and she just said "NO!".
I went to 'our' room to change clothes. She came up a few minutes later and said "Is there something you need to talk to me about?"
She was calm, detached.
Me: You mean so you can 'fix me' or something? No. But I would like to say that I have some issues with you, like integrity, honesty, commitment, responsibility, selfishness (and some other words)
L: Oh, yes, I'm the one who is doing everything 'wrong' and you're the one that's perfect.
Me: I didn't say that. I said how I'm feeling about you and this situation.
L: So you can't sleep with me any more? Then I guess we better tell the kids and I'll move downstairs.
Me: Actually I would do better if you just moved out. I expect you'll be out of here by june.
L: Maybe I'll stay in the house and you'll move out. We havent' decided yet. I ask a mediator what we should do.
Me: There's no way you can get enough financial support from me to keep this house if I move out. If that happens we lose everything.
L: Well you'll have to buy out my share of the house.
Me: I don't know if you're paying attention but there is no equity left. The market has destroyed that and with taxes and other stuff we're probably lucky to be 'even'. We can't both leave this house behind it would be too financially destructive.
L: I don't think you can keep it anyway. How are you going to be able to afford it?
Me: It won't matter if you are here or not, I've been carrying all the debt myself anyway. Losing your income won't make a difference. I'm slowly rebuilding my income and I'll make this WORK.
L: It seems like you need to hate me to get through this break up.
Me: I don't need to hate you, I'm angry that you're still carrying on with another affair in front of me and I will NOT go through that again with you. I did that once before and it nearly destroyed me.
L: You don't know what's going on. Have you checked my text messages? (She erases them).
Me: No I don't check your phone. But you know eventually his W is going to look at their phone bill and see the log of the messages and it's going to destroy them. Unless she is aware of your great 'friendship' already. Is she?
L: I don't have to explain anything to you.
Me: No? Tell me there's nothing going on there, that it isn't an affair, that his W is all OK with this.
L: (silent)
Me: You're putting all this energy into relationships with other men when you should be putting it into your husband and your family.
L: (angry, crying a little now) I put energy into you, I've loved you deeper than anyone ever in my life and you won't let me through. You keep this barrier up and you're like a prickly pear. I feel so much better because when I'm not at home I can have relationships with others who can love me back. But I come home and I feel oppressed. I read an old letter you wrote to me 18 years ago when I left you then and you wewre telling me how you were in some counseling and were working on your 'little boy' issues of accepting love. You're still the same. You're toxic to me because I need you to let me love you and to love me back and you just won't let yourself be loved. (Note: I wrote that letter because I was still in the 'blame frank' mindset and figured at the time that she left because of something I had done. Later I found out she had sleeping with other guys and had other emotional issues going on)
L: I'm sorry I've hurt you so many times by leaving and coming back but I've never had the strength to leave you because I never thought I would be ok on my own. Now I'm going to be ok. I have couches lined up to sleep on if I have to but I'll be ok.
Me: You're right, we do have issues trusting each other. It's been hard for me to trust you enough to be totally vulnerable. But I have loved you unconditionally, even through your affair I gave you unconditional love, I lived through that pain and I took you back. And look at what It got me, I lost my self along the way.
L: Oh, yes you're the victim here. You're always the victim. You give and I take and then you're a victim. You're so much more evolved than me.
Me: That's not what I'm saying. When we decided to get back together we spent about a month 'waiting' for one of us to 'do something' and I finally took the initiative and started reaching out to you more, making you feel comfortable in the relationship. It's always me who does that. Who worries about the 'fixing'. And then when I stop trying, you start to withdraw and then I have to work on making you feel comfortable again.
L: Yeah, that's what you do. I try to love you and you won't trust me enough to let me. Then you see I'm withdrawing and you get scared so you have to fix it. But you don't let me in and I need that. And I get that from other relationships so that's what I have to do is leave and be on my own so I can get that.
Me: You know, I've been through a lot of really difficult situations in the past many years where I've felt like withdrawing and I really NEEDED you to get through that shell. But you don't do whatever it takes to get through to me. Because it's TOO HARD for you.
L: Frank, it's impossible for me to get past that wall you build. Nobody can.
Me: That's not true. Other women I've been in relationships with have not had the kinds of problems you and I have had with being connected when I'm in a difficult place, under stress. You've been the only one who has always run away from me when times get tough for me. (Note: Old Girlfriend Janet could get past my 'shield' in an instant. She had determination along with love)
Me: I know it's probably a lot to do with you issues with your Dad and I see a lot of the same behaviors in you that Your Dad and your brother have when it comes to relationship difficulties. And eventually you give up and look elsewhere for that emotional validation.
L: (angry and a little tearful) Yes, I did. I looked outside and had my affair because I felt like I was loving you and not getting anything in return. I was drowning and I needed to get away. And even then I didn't have the courage to leave you. Well I don't WANT to be married to anybody. I'm going through my 'process' of growing and trying to heal myself and become independent so I don't need you, so I can let you go. I don't care if you think my methods are crazy (I never said anything about it) but it's how I have to do it. I'm doing things that are helping me learn to love myself.
Me: Yes, I see you're reading "If love is a game, these are the rules (Cheri Carter Scott)".
L: Yeah, I read that stupid book and I saw her chapters on commitment and long term relationships and she says you need to be able to work through tough times but she also says that if you're not growing you have to leave the relationship. (Note: She says that in her earlier sections about DATING, not marriage. I am here in my office, so I was going to grab my copy which has been sitting on top of a pile of books under my desk in fairly plain view. It's gone. I looked for it but couldn't find it anywhere. So I went to look at her copy of the book and realized it was MINE. She had bought her own a week ago at the church, and mine was old and had some water stains on it so I recognized it was mine! How weird that she would take it and not tell me. And what did she do with the one she bought?)
Me: You're right, maybe we're toxic. But that's because we're not communicating and getting counseling that we need.
L: See, you're just saying whatever you have to say to try to make me come back. I'm letting you go and living my life for ME.
Me: No, I'm just telling you what I'm seeing. I understand you need to do what you need to do.
