Saw my counselor today and we talked about the things that have happened over the past week or so. The 'talk' I had with W about how I hated the way things are, how I felt like I was alone in fixing the financial stuff. Her reactions, or lack of them. And her EA.
I 'defend' W all the time, and counselor says when I look at her, I see the 80% that is good. But when she looks at me she sees the 20% that she perceives is 'bad', and ignores the 80% that is good. She then decides that her life isn't going the way she wants it to because of that 20%, and she doesn't want to put any real work into ME to fix it so she looks for the easy way out. And it's always another man who gives her some kind of emotional support so she can leave. Someone who 'coaches' her out of the marriage.
Her closest friends are the same way. They are the kind of people who don't have successful relationships. That's who she attracts. People who are like her.
And that 80% of Frank that is 'good' is way better than a lot of men who have 'problems' like the ones I've had.
She was not and has never been an 'abused' wife. What she has been is the wife of a man who has been trying to carry the emotional weight of his own stress, and the weight of her 'need' for him to 'take care of things' even when he's totally incapable without some help.
Counselor asks me "When did she put her EMOTIONAL energy into the relationship? As in taking responsibility for the marriage or for her husbands well being?" How is it that she has the energy NOW to do all these things to expand her business and social network for HERSELF but didn't when the family needed it.
Two years ago she stepped outside the marriage and had an affair. She broke the covenant of the marriage contract. Yet I was there for her because I saw the good, and saw that she was being reactive and destructive to herself. I went through all the pain and hurt while she did this, and after she crashed and saw the mistake she made, I accepted her back into the marriage believing she was able to be a grown up partner. THAT is unconditional love.
As Counselor said, "right now your marriage and your family needs HER to be putting her energy into her KIDS and her HUSBAND". Instead she's putting it into other things, her EA, her 'friends' and her need to make more money to take care of HERSELF. Selfish? Narcissitic?
And she said to me over and over that she'd love me and stick it out with me as I was going through my stuff. But after it got too hard, she decided she was 'done'. That's CONDITIONAL LOVE.
If we were to 'get back together' what would really change? She'll still be emotionally immature, and expect me to 'fix things'. Counselor said 'do you ever notice that she seems to "orbit" around you and your ability to keep things "safe" for her?' Yes, I do notice that.
Counselor said that in many ways MY growth has been hindered by W. How I am waiting for her to 'catch up'. She gave an example of how many times have I had to 'coach' her into doing something new or risky. Something that would help her grow? I was supportive of her becoming a massage therapist years ago when she didn't feel confident in herself. I supported her even when she had OM/PA and HELPED her get her own massage office space! Unconditional Love.
Counselor suggested that people like me and like Counselor understand that a marriage vow is a sacred promise and we take it seriously. That we will do ANYTHING to help our spouse through a tough time. Anything. Put OURSELVES on the line if need be. W has never gone that extra mile. She stays 'stuck' in fear or inaction because it's uncomfortable.
She pointed out that during the past year I was slowly declining emotionally and in December when W was away I was on the verge of an emotional collapse. The ONLY think W did during this time was to keep putting the burden back on me, as in 'when are YOU going to fix yourself?'. Never putting the emotional effort into taking charge and working to help get us through this.
She asked me how many times did I have to lower my expectations to her level so I could try to lift her up to mine? I did it lovingly but was it really healthy for me? How many times did I have to live at her level of 'spirituality' that seems to include selective morality?
And the most important thing of all. Why have I felt so alone the past year? If I had a real partnership I wouldn't have felt alone. I would have felt like I had a PARTNER who would bear some of the burden. That just never happened. Instead she has chosen to violate our marriage contract again.
As I look around I see that everything she is doing is geared towards her and her need to 'grow'. Books, tapes, 'energy work' and other stuff. All about her growth. All about her. Even D17 said to me the other day that 'mom sure has gotten a social life recently' and she was pretty sarcastic. She also told me she thinks mom is shallow when they talk about her teenager issues. Counselor said that W projects her own life onto D17 and tells he what she should do, which is why D17 doesn't relate to her. When I talk to D17 I listen to her and give observations but never tell her what she should do. As a result D17 has a better relationship with me than she does with W. Counselor says thats another sign of her self centeredness - her need to 'tell' D17 how to live instead of respecting her.
So, counselor suggested that if divorce does happen that I file, I be the plantiff. Why? Because she said it would be better for D12 and D17 if Dad was in control of the process. They've seen their mom leave dad twice now and having the legacy of her leaving again would make them hate her more.
I mentioned to counselor something that Spitfire said to me. "If she is so freakin' "spiritual" why has she never been able to tune in to YOUR needs? Guess she's an ace at figuring out when there is "heavy energy or negative vibes" in the room. She just falls down a bit when it comes to being compassionate to the man she chose to marry." Counselor said this: Because YOU are able to do this so she hasn't had to.
The final thing that C said that I have to think about is this. I'm getting older and I need to get myself back to the man, the Frank, that can take care of things. The grown up Frank. Otherwise she fears I'll get sick or something and there'll be nobody to take care of the kids. Or worse, they'll have to take care of me.
She said "how long do you want it to hurt?". She thinks I should have her served with something, some kind of notice. I don't know what I could do, C doesn't think a divorce / separation filing would be published in the paper. I don't want the girls to hear about this from someone else who reads it in the paper.
