Back on the Roller Coaster - OW still around

[fooled again]

Hi Ellis,

I haven't being doing much posting on my own thread as for a while there I honestly didn't know what to make of my sitch. Some days are great; some are not (for me anyways); most are somewhere in between. Sometimes I feel that OW really is still around; other times I can't see how or why she could be after all that's happened (she's a pretty smart woman and I'm sure she knows I'm not going anywhere and my H isn't going to stop wanting to be with me anytime soon - she too was lied to about what was going on w/ me). But then again, I don't know anything for sure.

But recently this "life coach" sent me a link to a thread on this site that describes the "Six Stages of Midlife Crisis". When I read it I was absolutely floored. It has redirected my thinking about what is going on w/ my H and has given me an explanation for his crazy and inconsistent behaviour. He can be loving, then aloof. He tells me he loves me every few days, sometimes every day, but he can not call me for a few days, which makes me crazy. I asked him about OW a few weeks ago, and he said that he doesn't want to talk about his feelings for her b/c he has no feelings for her, and it takes his focus away from us, which is what he wants to focus on. Sooooo, if he is in MLC, then it is a classic case and I must ride it out if I want to save my M.

I now doubt that he is DBing me (though I would've liked to think that). He's probably wrestling with all those thoughts & feelings common in MLC - death, growing old, inadequacy, loss of purpose, unfulfilled goals and dreams, the reality of life vs. the fantasy of how it was supposed to be, responsibility, etc., etc. etc.

If I look back to about 3 years ago, H lost a favorite nephew who died senselessly at the age of 18 yrs. It was a devastating loss for the family - this kid was amazing, smart, loving, considerate, charismatic, everyone loved him. It was just horrible. I was kindof surprised that it didn't affect my H more at the time. But now I'm pretty sure I know what was happening. My H was 39 at the time. Almost a year later he got a tattoo and was looking at motorcycles. 3 mos later, the OW came into the picture.

So far its been about 3 years since the beginning, and if the Six Stages has any merit, H seems to be out of "Replay" and is in "Withdrawl". There may be hope, but I've learned that I can't control a thing, and trying to do so will only make this thing last longer. It is helping me gain control of my emotions, actions and concentrate more on myself. When he reaches out to me, which he does, I accept what he has to offer, I do show him I want him and love him, but I try not to make demands (a very, very difficult thing to do). I do inquire as to what he is up to and generally he tells me. That's all I can do for now. And wait.

I think the A took my attention away from the idea of MLC, which I had thought about around the time of the tattoo and him turning 40. But reading that thread seems to have helped me. Maybe all of us DBing should have a look at that thread. It certainly couldn't hurt.

Thanks for stopping by. I have been following your sitch, but haven't had time to do much posting since starting my new job. How is your job going, btw? The dog is huge challenge and may have not been the best idea I've ever had given everything else I'm dealing with. But she is really sweet and my D loves her.

I guess I'm going to have to start a new thread in MLC, when I have time.