Back on the Roller Coaster - OW still around

[Ellis]

Hey FA - how is your sit going - just read whats going on with you - are you guys discussing your M yet together or still playing it cool - That would really be something if he was DBing you as well - How do you deal with that? I would think just keep DBing yourself until he wants to talk - I dnt know tough sit. I have been thinking of getting my D a dog as well but we might not stay in this house -

[fooled again]

Hi Ellis,

I haven't being doing much posting on my own thread as for a while there I honestly didn't know what to make of my sitch. Some days are great; some are not (for me anyways); most are somewhere in between. Sometimes I feel that OW really is still around; other times I can't see how or why she could be after all that's happened (she's a pretty smart woman and I'm sure she knows I'm not going anywhere and my H isn't going to stop wanting to be with me anytime soon - she too was lied to about what was going on w/ me). But then again, I don't know anything for sure.

But recently this "life coach" sent me a link to a thread on this site that describes the "Six Stages of Midlife Crisis". When I read it I was absolutely floored. It has redirected my thinking about what is going on w/ my H and has given me an explanation for his crazy and inconsistent behaviour. He can be loving, then aloof. He tells me he loves me every few days, sometimes every day, but he can not call me for a few days, which makes me crazy. I asked him about OW a few weeks ago, and he said that he doesn't want to talk about his feelings for her b/c he has no feelings for her, and it takes his focus away from us, which is what he wants to focus on. Sooooo, if he is in MLC, then it is a classic case and I must ride it out if I want to save my M.

I now doubt that he is DBing me (though I would've liked to think that). He's probably wrestling with all those thoughts & feelings common in MLC - death, growing old, inadequacy, loss of purpose, unfulfilled goals and dreams, the reality of life vs. the fantasy of how it was supposed to be, responsibility, etc., etc. etc.

If I look back to about 3 years ago, H lost a favorite nephew who died senselessly at the age of 18 yrs. It was a devastating loss for the family - this kid was amazing, smart, loving, considerate, charismatic, everyone loved him. It was just horrible. I was kindof surprised that it didn't affect my H more at the time. But now I'm pretty sure I know what was happening. My H was 39 at the time. Almost a year later he got a tattoo and was looking at motorcycles. 3 mos later, the OW came into the picture.

So far its been about 3 years since the beginning, and if the Six Stages has any merit, H seems to be out of "Replay" and is in "Withdrawl". There may be hope, but I've learned that I can't control a thing, and trying to do so will only make this thing last longer. It is helping me gain control of my emotions, actions and concentrate more on myself. When he reaches out to me, which he does, I accept what he has to offer, I do show him I want him and love him, but I try not to make demands (a very, very difficult thing to do). I do inquire as to what he is up to and generally he tells me. That's all I can do for now. And wait.

I think the A took my attention away from the idea of MLC, which I had thought about around the time of the tattoo and him turning 40. But reading that thread seems to have helped me. Maybe all of us DBing should have a look at that thread. It certainly couldn't hurt.

Thanks for stopping by. I have been following your sitch, but haven't had time to do much posting since starting my new job. How is your job going, btw? The dog is huge challenge and may have not been the best idea I've ever had given everything else I'm dealing with. But she is really sweet and my D loves her.

I guess I'm going to have to start a new thread in MLC, when I have time.

[micoms]

FA,

Hi, I haven't been posting much myself lately, a little down. I've read the six stages of MLC shortly after I came to the boards. I could see how W had been in some of the phases. I wonder if now she's starting into acceptance. She has started calling friends she hadn't for months, took the initiative and called S27 to visit him, his W and D. She also came with D24 tuesday to the house, stayed for about 2 hours. Was pleasant, I didn't bring up R. Asked her about new jewelery job at store. She's considering being the manager of the deli, current one is moving. Told her she would be good at it. I encouraged her and praised her work ethic.

People ask if I can forgive her A, they don't understand it's part of MLC. That it's a mental condition, I wouldn't turn my back on her if she became bi-polar or another mental issue. I look back and the incident that could have caused her to start was D19, then 16 met up with a 22yo weasel. He convinced her we were the enemy. She ran away from home to be with this idiot 4 times. I remember how it broke her heart that her "baby" ran away. D finally came home when the weasel got caught with her and violated a restraining order for the 4th time. This time it was a felony violation and since he skipped out on bail last time, he was held until trial.

Since then D19 has told me things he had done to her, if I'd have known then I'd probably be in jail. Although it's hard to believe a jury of my peers would fine me guilty because of what he had done to her. This is what I think set W on her MLC.

There's no time frame of when they will get through one stage and into the next. I know in replay I heard about everything I'd ever done that upset her, stuff from over 20 years ago. I just hope W gets through this before the D.

Mike

[Startingover2]

Hey Fooled again...I just wanted to say I read your threads and we are in a similar but different sich. I am almost 9 months pregnant with our child, we are in yet another R after being let down and hurt so many times, and we don't live together yet. There is/was OW and like you I have the worry daily of is he seeing or talking to her. I know she is still pushing hard but in the last 8 months he has lied about it so many times.

Anyway, you can read my sich's. I would love to hear what you have to say. Hang in there. These are the most recent threads...there are more, but this will give you an idea.

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1333057&page=0&fpart=1
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1335027&page=3#Post1335027

[BeingMe]

Hi FA! Just caught up with your sitch again. I have been posting pretty sporadically, so haven't been keeping up much. New job, and all that.

You sound strong, and patient. It's good that you realise that you can't control anything. That was a big lesson for me.

Thinking of you, and hoping things continue to progress in the right direction.

[fooled again]

Hi BeingMe, Mike and others,

Not so strong and not so patient today. Oh well, isn't this the way the roller coaster ride goes? It seems that whenever I get a handle on my emotions and feel as though I am "dealing" with my sitch, he pulls away with so much force that the vacuum he leaves behind crushes me. So today, not so good.

But I suppose I will turn once again to my main sources of solace in this ongoing and never-ending crisis, information and knowledge, whether I gain it from books, the internet or from the members of this community. Somehow seeing printed words is more of a consolation than anything anyone could tell me or anything I could tell myself. In fact, seeing my own words typed out by my own fingers consoles me. Why is that?

The fact that I now believe my H is in MLC is some minor consolation, yet I still feel this urge to call him out, to force him to figure out what the he#l he wants. He comes close, he pulls back, in a repeating, revolving cycle. And I want it to not bother me anymore. I want to be able to simply live my life when he is not around, and enjoy his company when he is. But the emptiness of his absence can be truly awful.

And my daughter is so very much in the same place as I am, confused, anxious, desperate to see him, to spend time with him. She is 7 and I am fairly honest with her about what is going on. There really is no other way with her - she is too much of a wise soul to believe any candy coated version of what is going on, though I recognize that she couldn't possibly understand MLC or A or the finer points of what my H is going through. Tonight I told her that Daddy has alot of things to figure out. She said that every day she wishes and pleads (in her mind) for him to come home and that we could be a family again. I asked her if it took a really long time for Daddy to come home, would it be worth the wait? She said anything would be worth us being a family again. Wise words for such a tiny little thing, it broke my heart.

I truly believe it would be easier for me to not see him at all for awhile. Maybe then I could figure out if I could live without him. He is like a drug to my addiction - I tell myself I've got it under control, I could quit anytime I choose. Ha! Maybe I'm just PMS-ing (yes, it does have an affect on how I see my sitch), but I haven't had a good cry about this for awhile, so I guess I'm do for a bit of a purge.

But this does show me how far I am from being detached, how far I am from trusting him, how far I am from where I want to be. The OW, whether or not she is around, continues to occupy too much space in my mind and this is something I must remedy. I figure that if I focus on the MLC and not the A, then I may have some hope of surviving this. Somehow, taken in isolation, I could never accept the notion that his long term A could not be about me. And yet paradoxically, I believe that I am able to accept that his MLC is not about me. Obviously I need more information and have just now ordered Conway's "Men in Midlife" and another, "Surviving Your Husband's MLC". I'd appreciate any other suggestions.

I have been checking in Infidelity from time to time, but I've been spending more and more time in MLC forums to gain as much in formation as I can. Thank you all for keeping up with me. Your words always bring me comfort.

FA

[micoms]

FA,

If H is in MLC you can't force him out of it, it will have to run its course. Yes, they call it a roller coaster ride because seeing come towards you and then retreating and our own emotions flip flopping. One day or hour wanting to just give up and the next staying the course. Hang in there, come here to let your frustrations out.

Whats you said to D about if it took daddy a really long time to come home, would it be worth it was great. It helps to show her there's a goal to the difficulties the two of you are experiencing.

Mike

[fooled again]

Mike,

Yeah, if anyone would know about the MLC roller coaster, it would be you. I find comfort in reading the success stories on MLC, though, esp those that are very, very long term. Makes me realize that there is some hope, some light at the end of the tunnel, for some anyway. I guess you only know when you reach the end of the whole process, having gotten strong enough along the way to be able to live w/ whatever the WAS decides.

I think what I was telling my D was that sometimes we have to wait for things that are important, and in so doing, I was also reminding myself of the goal (which I have to do daily, often several times a day) and how very long it could take to reach it AND asking MYSELF if it was worth waiting for.

I know you are having a tough time right now, but your steadfastness is an inspiration. If you can stay strong and keep on DBing despite what your W is doing and saying, I should be able to as well. We do need to give ourselves permission to have those down days sometimes, but sometimes it's hard to stay positive. It's very true about others not understanding us and what we are doing. I get alot of puzzled and concerned looks from those few people I can still talk to about my sitch. It's as though they think I'm a little bit crazy, or delusional and they're expecting me to just dissolve one day. Walk a mile in my shoes...

Hey, did you ever have your pizza nite w/ your kids?

FA

[micoms]

FA,

My W is friendlier these days, there was a time she seemed to hate my guts. Now when I see her she's cordial at least. I have asked her to have dinner with me sometime, she said why do you want to have dinner with me. I told her because even though you want a D, I still care about you and will always care about you, that I enjoy being with you.

I see some signs she might be peeking out of the tunnel but try not to get my hopes up. She has recently reconnected with some of her friends she hasn't talked to in over a year and she initiated contact with S27. He would call her and she wouldn't return his calls. Some positive steps.

I've read the MLC stories also, they do give you hope. I've seen where the LBS worked and waited only to give up and move on. After that the WAS wanted to come back, LBS turned them away, they had moved on. I hope that's not my case.

My friends and family tell me to move on also, but I'm standing for our M. My aunt (big sister), told me the other day when I stopped to see her that she admires me and my attitude. She told me it would be easier to give up that to try to save M by yourself.

Pizza night will be in a couple of weeks, I'll even ask W to come have some. Bath tub upstairs leaked and I need to replace a portion of the ceiling in the kitchen now. A project for next weekend.

Should I mail you a slice?? LOL.

By the way I signed up for coaching, first session is Thursday.

Mike

[fooled again]

Hi Mike,

I've read the MLC stories also, they do give you hope. I've seen where the LBS worked and waited only to give up and move on. After that the WAS wanted to come back, LBS turned them away, they had moved on. I hope that's not my case.

The more I detach, the more I fear that this may happen to me. I suppose that that's the thing that makes me feel saddest. My H contacts me less and less lately, and acts surprised that I don't call him. I am really trying hard to detach to really see what he will do. So far, he is keeping his distance, doing his own thing, not calling me every night at bedtime anymore. In the last week he has called me four or five times, which is alot less than usual. I actually find myself hoping he won't call me so that I can stay balanced. I feel like I'm inside one of those beautiful water globes - I'm fine and can see things clearly until he calls or comes around and shakes up my world, then everything is foggy and cloudy and messed up in my mind and heart.

So for now it is what it is. I guess he is busy trying to find a job. He told me he has had several interviews over the past week and it is his #1 concern. I can understand that. He is going out of town for a big one on the 14th - the timing of that one struck me, but he took the trouble of forwarding me an email from the recruiter about that date (most likely to allay my suspicions).

He asked if we could "stay together on the 13th" before he goes out of town. I said I would love that, but then I don't know if that's such a great idea, or what exactly "stay together" means to him. I have a good idea it involves bedsheets, but is that him trying to reconnect, or trying to cake eat? And does it make any difference in the long run in MLC? Do you keep them at arms length, or do you respond when they try to get close?

I'm happy to hear your W being more approachable (for lack of a better word). Go slow, but you know that. I hope your pizza night is fun. Sure mail me a slice - I'd love to try some of yours!!

FA