What the he!! is happening now?

[trytoohard]

I think you may have misunderstood me.

I did not misunderstand you, I miscommunicated my desired response.

I am just saying that I get to the point that I am not sure that I want to wait forever for him. I am entitled to be treated right. I would never just jump into a relationship. But I can not wait my whole life for him either. What if he never address his issues? Which is entirely possible.

You should not wait forever for him and you are entitiled to be treated right. But being treated right and waiting for him is two different things. What I was trying to convey is that the prospect of another relationship should in NO WAY affect your decision to stand for your marriage.

I too have been in therapy for almost two years and one of the things my therapist said at one point is "your husband will fail to match your expectations of the ideal relationship for a very long time. You have to decide if you have worked long enough alone or not." If you decide to move on and stand down, it should be because you are ok with being alone for awhile and treating yourself right.

What i was getting at is if he came to me and said he wanted this back I would be willing to do what it took to put the marriage back together. I would be willing to try because of the the kids. Making hard to just walk away. I would not take him back unless he truly wanted it. And he would have to make some major changes.

The message here is that you would try BECAUSE of the kids. Reconciliation most often starts not because the WAS wants to but because they are scared and don't want to lose everything. The wanting to be with you comes after he is comfortable in his own skin again and trust has been rebuilt. Bravo on insisting on major changes!

The thing I was refering to here is the non alien man I knew and loved for so many years. He is capable of being loving and kind and caring. Somewhere deep inside he is a great man that is thoroughly depressed, confused, and messed up right now. I also know that being this mean guy just adds more guilt and anger to his already guilt ridden and angry Mind.

None of us marry aliens. We marry illusions or our idea of who someone is. Most of us are on our best behaviors when intially building a relationship. We showcase the best parts of ourselves, sometimes for many years, until all of the anger and frustration that has been packed away begins to overflow. You are now seeing the full range of what he is truly capable of and it aint pretty. We all have a dark side, we are all have the capacity to behave in reptilian ways. Yes, your H is depressed, guilty and confused and yes, your H loves you. He thinks highly of you but you are right, if he acknowledged that, he would look like the idiot he feels he is. It's your love that causes him pain and confusion. In his mind, who on earth could possibly love him? In his mind, the meaner he his, the better chance it is that you will walk away and absolve him of having to make a decision.

Keep loving him, it drives them nuts!

H and I have been seperated for 2 1/2 years and have been working toward reconcilliation for over a year. We are both in therapy, individually and together at times with the same therapist. Most of the above comes from my H's musings on his behavior during MLC.

My H told me that he was mad as hell when I refused to budge but he also respected me for the first time in years.