Called W this morning to ask if she thought I should take S7 to a follow up doctor's appointment for an ear infection. She was sick again with flu-like symptoms and feeling very sorry for herself. I tried to keep the conversation to the minimum and focused on S7.
But before I could end the call she launched an emotional outburst on the following 2 lines:
(1) Blaming me profusely for: her unhappiness in the M, being too controlling, not taking responsibility for my behavior, that's why she's getting divorced, etc, etc, etc. I said I understand her feelings but I can't rewrite the past; I'm doing my best and blaming doesn't help.
(2) When she tried to have me keep her on the car insurance policy, I happened to try to clarify that her name was no longer on the house since I'd gone thru' paying out her share of the equity and taking out a mortgage as part of the legal process. She does not believe this and accuses me of lying, cheating, playing games, etc. In the past I'd react defensively to her stupidity and these character assassinations but I said I did not want to discuss these legal matters with her and I'm leaving it up to the lawyers. She also threatened to get a new lawyer. Luckily she got another call and had to go.
I still feel myself wanting to withdraw when W attacks and I'm not sure I'm responding in the best DB way. I may also be fighting a hopeless cause. So any coaching in this regard from the veterans would be appreciated.
Me-48, W-38 M14, D11, S7 W filed D 01/07 W had to move out 06/07 Current Thread
(1) Blaming me profusely for: her unhappiness in the M, being too controlling, not taking responsibility for my behavior, that's why she's getting divorced, etc, etc, etc. I said I understand her feelings but I can't rewrite the past; I'm doing my best and blaming doesn't help.
I sense a slight shift in the winds here, seems like W is having one last go at shifting your new found resolve. I think you just need to remain patient and consistent in your actions and keep your interaction with W positive.
I'm not sure if I made my point correctly in my previous post. But In my sitch W made a phone call to me (10/31/07), had a rant, then a little emotional break down. This was the first signs that things were changing for me.
Lan, I just read thru' ALL of your previous thread. As I said in my previous post my call to W on the pretext of S7 last morning ended in a rant which seemed tied to the business of car insurance and house title. You also have a reference to taking W off your car policy by renewing with another company (see below). I happened to do precisely this (see great mind's thing alike ;-) and it caused my W's ranting. You also called W at work once a week to keep the comm. channels flowing. So I do see the parallism and I get your point.
Originally Posted By: Lanzo 11/19/07
... W checks with me to see the status of my policy, when I tell her I only just renewed with a different insurance company...
Being a die hard I called her back a couple hours later. Told her to take good rest, study when she felt better and not worry about the legal stuff - not the best DBing (sympathizing), but appears not to have caused damage and may keep her more positive. We then had a long friendly "chat" triggered by my describing S7's creativity and latest art work from picking stuff out of the recycling bin - she elaborated on how she too was that way growing up and I went "Wow!" and said he must take after her because I'm not the least bit artistic. She referred to a decoupage she'd given me when we got engaged and I said I still have it and still like it a lot. She referred to signing S7 up for art classes near where she lives maybe in the Summer - I said that was a great idea but "Summer" and "where she lives" did not sound promising to me. After ~15 minutes on this theme I ended it on a positive note saying I had to get back to work.
The positive are she seemed "trilled" by the genuine "words of appreciation/affirmation" and chatted unusually long - so this at least confirms my hunch on her LL. But she's still has not gotten off the D path! Also positive is that D11 told me W does not talk to OM anymore because he's "weird" and has "issues". Also S11 said W's big TV was $1300 which makes me mad cos she does not contribute to school fees, etc.
However "Pudsey" (she really supported you) makes a key point in your last thread:
Originally Posted By: Pudmuddle snafu
Don't look at what she is NOT doing, as that will never make any common sense. Look at what she IS doing.
Me-48, W-38 M14, D11, S7 W filed D 01/07 W had to move out 06/07 Current Thread
Yesterday got a copy of letter from my lawyer to her lawyer threatening that if W does not comply with paying her share of joint expenses like school fees, etc. and agree to a reasonable financial settlement by this Thu she will be taken to court and will end up with less money from the house equity, will have to pay my lawyers fees for recovery, etc.
I'm disturbed by this development because it appears to me that the lawyers are off doing their own thing while I'm DBing by butt off and W is hostile/distant/uncooperative and all this makes for a huge mess.
Me-48, W-38 M14, D11, S7 W filed D 01/07 W had to move out 06/07 Current Thread
I'm disturbed by this development because it appears to me that the lawyers are off doing their own thing while I'm DBing by butt off and W is hostile/distant/uncooperative and all this makes for a huge mess.
I too was disturbed by my W's lawyer trying to take over and negotiate everything with my lawyer. I have talked my W into seeing a 3rd party mediator/lawyer. It should save a boat load of money and should keep us amicable during and after the D.
I too was disturbed by my W's lawyer trying to take over and negotiate everything with my lawyer. I have talked my W into seeing a 3rd party mediator/lawyer. It should save a boat load of money and should keep us amicable during and after the D.
Thanks Kerry, I considered this much earlier on but W was very hostile. She is less hostile now but still almost as stubborn and unreasonable in her expectations, claims and assumptions. So I'm not sure if a mediator will have much success - the court mediator gave up when the issue of custody came up for mediation. Its probably the same reason why MC did not work either. Let me know how mediation goes for you. Meanwhile I'm stuck in limbo on all fronts but have been trying my best at DBing for whatever its worth at this point.
Me-48, W-38 M14, D11, S7 W filed D 01/07 W had to move out 06/07 Current Thread
