Just updating. Time for next encounter. WAW sent email - can we talk this weekend? She said she was uncomfortable with things right now. I emailed back that there wasn't much to discuss - she'd made her choices, which didn't include me, and I'm moving forward.
She emailed back that there were things to discuss and asked again to talk this weekend.
So, there it is. No idea if this is positive or negative but I'm going in with my arms crossed and my mouth shut.
Maybe. My loving distance hasn't been too loving. Been more cold and inconsistent, which is something I have to improve. Just trying to regain my boundaries and keep them.
I understand. It's hard to be loving, especially when there's an OM involved, and she refuses to give it up. If you can't get to "loving," at least get to where you're "Joe Friday" -- you know, "just the facts, ma'am."
Establishing -- and holding -- firm boundaries doesn't mean you have to be a cold dick. You want to "shine a light back toward your marriage."
Ran into WAW a couple of times after she sent her email about needing to talk. The first one she'd sent was somewhat kind, but the second was more terse - in reaction to me saying there wasn't anything to discuss. I ran into her when I was out for a run and she acted annoyed and curt. Ran into her again at a lecture and she was very curt and cold. Went up and asked what time she is coming over. Conversation started and she relaxed, though I tried to maintain a certain distance. As I left, noticed she pursed her lips in this way she does when she is battling her emotions - which means what she's going to say won't be good.
So, just musing. Her email was sent late at night - EA now PA again? She is probably going to say she wants a D again, might ask to help me pay for apartment, or might bring up the house. No idea, but it's ridiculous for me to get bent out of shape about her feeling uncomfortable. If she wants to talk about feeling uncomfortable, I have a few things to say myself.
Have been trying to practice for different scenarios. I think the main thing I need to do is not get involved in the conversation. Just agree with everything she says and tell her I'm confused and need to think if she asks me any questions. My usual way of handling convos is to try and get her into that emotional space, and I could probably do that. It seems to help make her question things. But this time I'll try something new and work on my detachment.
I'll be a casual friend, but no more. I'll maintain my self-dignity, confidence, and positive outlook. If she pursues questions about me, I'll try to turn them back on focusing on her. I'll be open to change and to collaborate on moving forward, but I won't be naive or unrealistic about where we're at right now. I'll be consistent and stress that I'm moving forward.
I'll be a casual friend, but no more. I'll maintain my self-dignity, confidence, and positive outlook. If she pursues questions about me, I'll try to turn them back on focusing on her. I'll be open to change and to collaborate on moving forward, but I won't be naive or unrealistic about where we're at right now. I'll be consistent and stress that I'm moving forward.
THIS, however, is NOT:
Quote:
I think the main thing I need to do is not get involved in the conversation. Just agree with everything she says and tell her I'm confused and need to think if she asks me any questions. My usual way of handling convos is to try and get her into that emotional space, and I could probably do that. It seems to help make her question things. But this time I'll try something new and work on my detachment.
"Detachment" doesn't mean agreeing with everything they have to say, if what they are saying is either unreasonable or it violates your personal integrity or any of your boundaries.
I hear you. Was feeling like I needed to validate her but screw it. I'm getting more and more apathetic about this whole thing. In waves, anyway. I've got lots of stuff going on and all she does is work - she's not looking like such an attractive person to be around right now.
Still feel like I need to answer her questions with "Let me think" or "I'm confused", just to keep from getting into that reactive space where I start to over-explain or persuade. lodo
Ran into WAW a couple of times after she sent her email about needing to talk. The first one she'd sent was somewhat kind, but the second was more terse - in reaction to me saying there wasn't anything to discuss. I ran into her when I was out for a run and she acted annoyed and curt. Ran into her again at a lecture and she was very curt and cold. Went up and asked what time she is coming over. Conversation started and she relaxed, though I tried to maintain a certain distance.
Sounds like she's a bit spoiled and the more she didn't get her way the more upset she got. Poor poor girl. NOT!
Seems like Choco will keep you on the right path, you're lucky to have him!
Live your life while you are still living. Riding the trail less traveled.
I hear ya. And not to go school marm on ya, but "validating" doesn't mean "agreeing with everything she says," either. Validating means that you acknowledge her FEELING that way about a particular issue, while not necessarily agreeing one way or another with her POSITION on the issue.
btw, nothing wrong with the "I'll have to think about that one" response. That might've gotten me into a few less arguments that I didn't handle well myself.
Thanks choc - appreciate all the advice you've been giving me.
Just out of curiousity, does anyone have any opinions on letting WAW stay in the house while you're away? I've asked her to stay in the house and watch the pets the last couple times I've left town, thinking it would help her remember what she's going to be losing. But she usually invites a bunch of our old friends over (who she regularly works with and I don't) - that makes me feel a little weird. There's also question of OM, who works nearby but lives an hour away. Don't know if she'd have him over here or not.
