Tonight D11 was upset about her homework and then she said "You guys are going to get a divorce!" We were all sitting in the living room. I said "Why do you say that?" And she said: "You go to sleep at different times. You don't kiss each other anymore. You don't go away together anymore. You act like friends who live together."
OH. MY. GOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Then she said she was going upstairs to tell D6. D6 came down after that and whispered in my ear: "Are you and daddy getting a divorce?" I said "No sweetie." Then she said, crying: "Good because she scared me."
After that, the Ds went upstairs and I stared at H right in the eyes for a long time. He met them. Then he said "she's funny." To which I said: "Is she?"
After that, we all ate dinner together and laughed a lot. The topic was not brought up again.
I don't know what to make of all of it. Obviously, D11 knows something is up, but she said it almost as if she thought she was joking. And H's response? No idea. _________________________
Me/X-H: 47/48 T 19 yrs M 16 years D14 D10 ILYBINILWY: 10/07 H moved out 6/08
H & I went to MC today. I didn't cry--but I did tell him that I don't want to live in this weird limbo anymore where he won't leave but won't be present in our M. I really felt that the episode with our Ds (described in previous post) made it necessary to start pressing the issue.
I know it is not the DB/MLC way, but I think every marriage is unique and no one approach is one-size-fits-all. So far, pushing the envelope a bit on my part seems to actually shake H out of his stupor. For us, it seems, the cheeseless tunnel is the one where we steer clear of one another.
I apologized again for how much it hurt for him to be rejected sexually by me. That is at the crux of it for him--and I do understand now. H wonders what makes it a marriage without ML? The fact is, we did ML, but I was very often not into it and he hated that.
Anyway, I told him (again, get out the DB 2 by 4s) that if we were going to continue to live, essentially, as a separated couple under one roof, he should just leave. He said he had nowhere to go--which is sad but true, given our financial situation and his joblessness.
Long story short: after much discussion of separation and telling the kids and living arrangements, etc--he ultimately agreed to "try" to re-invest in our M. He gave me a french kiss later, which D11 noticed and said "eww" about--but clearly it reassured her.
I don't know. This is what I have wanted--for him to make an effort--but after months of him saying IDLYA, it is hard for me to give myself over to it--whatever "it" will entail. Sex, maybe? Affection? I would like to tell him (Ingrid, are you there?) that any sex we have now will count as make-up sex for my past un-into-it-ness. Is that weird? How can I engage in anything like that when I know he really wants me to help us figure out how to separate?
Does this mean we are "piecing?" I just don't know what is really happening, what H thinks, or how I should respond.
Me/X-H: 47/48 T 19 yrs M 16 years D14 D10 ILYBINILWY: 10/07 H moved out 6/08
44 years old, 15 years married. It is going to take some time. Be patient. Accept the good (ewww...french kiss). Leave the bad to the side. And he did say re-invest in the marriage. Don;t get too caught up in the negative that is a killer. Do things you want for yourself.
And she said: "You go to sleep at different times. You don't kiss each other anymore. You don't go away together anymore. You act like friends who live together."
lmg, until your D said this, did you think she had any clue that something was amiss?
my bomb was 3/07 and my H is still in the house, but we act like your D describes above (well, except that pre-bomb we went to sleep at separate times and now I go to bed when H does). My kids have never brought anything up, but how could they not notice that mom and dad don't kiss anymore, don't hold hands anymore, don't sit next to each other on the couch anymore, etc.
I'm afraid that my kids are going to think that this is how a marriage is supposed to be. I console myself by thinking that this will not go on forever and at some point they will either see mom and dad acting like they are lovingly married, or they will see us separate and realize that is not supposed to be how a marriage is. Obviously I am hoping for the first.
I'm glad to read that your H wants to re-invest - that is great!
Nature Girl M 40 H 40 M 15, T 19 D11 S9 bomb 3/07 (MOW)
lmg, this is exactly where we are now, my H and I. Single people sharing the same house. At least he works away during the week. Funny thing is that we can have great conversations on the phone!
Perhaps that's all he's capable of at the moment. Limboland is not a fun place to be , I think I need to GAL some more and not worry too much about where his head is at.
H - 47 Me - 44 DD - 9 DD - 8 DS - 6 Married - 25 Full blown MLC March 2007
We'll see. He used the word "try" not "re-invest." It is very hard because I know he wants to separate, but I have to take his willingness to try at face value too.
Sex was a big issue for us and he felt very rejected, which is at the crux of his unhappiness with me, I think. I emailed him yesterday and told him that I would like to try to make up for those years when he felt rejected in that area. He said he still finds me as beautiful and sexy as ever and that maybe this weekend I could make good on that offer. (We have not ML since before Xmas, because even though we were having a sudden surge in our sex life, H didn't want me to think it meant he had the right feelings for me. So he wanted to stop ML.)
Was that too low and pathetic of me? I recall all the times he tried to get me interested, bought me lingerie, lit candles, etc, and still I wasn't into it or just pretended to be. I know that was hard for him to keep doing, so now I feel like it's my turn.
He admits he finds me sexy and beautiful and funny and smart and enjoys being with me--YET he also says he lacks some special kind of love for me and so he might have to leave our M. It is very, very confusing.
Me/X-H: 47/48 T 19 yrs M 16 years D14 D10 ILYBINILWY: 10/07 H moved out 6/08
I had to reassure my H that I didn't read anything into the fact that we had sex (I don't think it was quite so direct, but that was the message). Like you, I sincerely feel awful about the pain and rejection my H suffered through and I really did want to try to heal that for both of us.
During and after sex, I have kept it very light - no ILYs, afterways pulling away first, etc. There have been times lately when my H has been quite tender and affectionate and I respond, but never try to push beyond what he's offering.
I am finding things pretty tough right now and that's one of the reasons I haven't been posting much. Because it seems that he's staying, but hasn't yet said so or made any long-term commitment, I'm feeling a little bit safer and so some of my own feelings are surfacing. However, I know that we are not yet at the point where we can discuss that stuff, so really the only difference is that I'm living with a slightly more affectionate roommate in less than complete crisis mode, with a bunch of feelings I can't do anything with, other than continue to try to ignore.
Is there anything you can do in the days before the weekend to get yourself and H more in the mood? Perhaps you could pick out some lingerie and hang it on the outside of the closet a day or two before, or start reading an erotic novel, so that when the times comes, you can hardly wait, or...
Hi Ingrid, I'm sorry to hear you are finding things tough right now. Honestly, I feel better for having forced my H's hand a bit, even though I still have deep doubts about him wanting to remain in our M long-term. That may not be right for you, but I think you are more than entitled to know at this point what he's doing, at least in the short term. You'd expect a tenant to let you know their plans for staying or leaving.
I don't think I should push the sex idea any further for now. The fact that my H wants to wait until the weekend is unnerving enough, given how long it's been and how he used to leap at any opportunity to have sex. So he definitely experienced my boldness as pressure, I think, though I tried to make the no-strings-attached concept clear (though I am unlikely to feel OK with that for real). On the other hand, I was thrilled that he said I was still sexy and beautiful to him--that has made my day.
Me/X-H: 47/48 T 19 yrs M 16 years D14 D10 ILYBINILWY: 10/07 H moved out 6/08
