Piecin' for a Reason

[ntl]

This rings a bell with me, I might have run across this when I was doing research into SA. Is it a commercial program, ntl? This is my own bias speaking here, but generally I shy away from these although I know they probably do some good for some people -- but at a price -- and the knowledge is already in the public realm. What does your SA therapist have to say about it?

Hiya...I think this is a commercial program. Based on their website they are very anti AA type programs. H heard about it through our C who said another one of her clients was using it to great effect so I just wondered. I was a little put off by the website because it sounds so....angry. I don't know, but that doesn't seem very conducive to any kind of healing recovery. But I don't want to judge either, so I was looking for experiences.

'Addiction' is an interesting topic to reflect on. It's a medical term with a specific narrow definition -- in medical parlance, 'addiction' is to a substance to which the person develops a 'tolerance', so that higher and higher doses of the substance are required in order to achieve the same 'high'. Tolerance is the reason why alcoholics end up taking in so much alcohol that they develop liver failure, and why hard drug addicts end by taking a lethal dose of the drug. This is something to think about when you & H are wondering if he's really SA, really addicted to the dopamine high.

I agree with you. We aren't really sure, but we think there was definitely an element there that he just couldn't turn away from. He has found it (thus far) very easy to abstain from his "inner circle" behaviors, but that may be because his drive to succeed with the M and with his personal growth is so high right now. I have been very supportive and very loving in his quest, so that's probably helping. Prior to me starting to DB, I was very angry and very short with him all the time. He's the type that needs a lot of affirmation and support, so I could also be filling that need he was getting filled from the acting out.

But even if he isn't, I can't help but think that the SA meeting structure is being helpful to H. It gives him the experience of having significant sharing relationships with men, instead of having emotional needs met by OW, and of being in both a learning and a compassionate place with men.

I'm right there wih you. I think he's been uncovering some really deeply hidden parts of him that have both shocked and dismayed him. He's also starting to realize that some of the character traits he thought were strengths (people-pleasing, easy-going nature) may be what led to some of his behaviors. He was so focused on keeping everything on an even keel that he suppressed a lot of his emotions. Eventually, he needed an outlet. Our relationship had deteriorated to the point that I wasn't willing to be that outlet and so he indulged the very basest parts of his nature. He subsequently felt deep shame and remorse over those acts, but also very stimulated by them, and so, in his shame, kept doing them. He soon developed almost an alter-ego. It's almost impossible to believe this double life he'd created for himself. And the confusion and balancing of it was literally making him crazy and killing his life.

Also, I couldn't help but wonder about the idea of you attending the SA group for wives of SA, just as a way of sharing the experience with H, of entering his world and demonstrating to him that you are willing to enter his world. It could be very healing.

You know, I tried this, appleroad. And my experience was scary. The women were so negative and were so bashing. It was like they were waiting for their H's to trip up and the whole meeting was about H's slipping back in to old behaviors. It was as if the addiction became another member of the relationship for these women. It was the hidden monster in the room that everyone pretended to ignore, but would jump out and disturb the peace everytime someone was off-kilter. Perhaps it was just the dynamic of the meeting I visited, but I was very put off.

As always, I so appreciate and encourage your comments to me. They really help me so much to figure out what I am thinking.

I am cautious, I am trying.

Regards,

ntl