No Expectations 4

[not an ex yet]

Hi Peace,
Like some others have said, there must be something in the air. This has been a horrible week for me. Almost as bad as when H left initially.
Anyway, hang in there. I felt the need to talk to my H too. I did it this weekend and I do feel better having said some of the things I said, but it didn't get me anywhere. I didn't get the answers I was looking for. The good news is, I didn't get the answers I didn't want to hear either. I just got a big fat nothing! No better, no worse, but I can feel H pulling away again, so it wasn't worth it. Hold off if you can.

[Tipper]

Peace,
Thanks for stopping by my thread, and suggesting alanon. Have you ever gone to a meeting?
I hope you find some happiness with in yourself this week, as I understand you have been down lately. This is very normal for us to all feel that way from time to time especially for you being at the one year mark. Hold in there, you can make it.
Anything worth getting is usually a challenge to obtain. The standing can be challenging, so focus on you and what ever makes you smile right now.
I wish I could talk to my H right now also, but I am scared cuz every time we have talked he says he isn't attracted to me anymore and wants a D. But I know this is the depression talking, so I am actually trying to avoid him so I don't become depressed myself. The last time we spoke, my H said that I am a beautiful woman inside and out, and that any man would be blessed to be with me. Then a second later he says he wants me to move on and that he needs a D. That is why I know it is the depression talking and it is so hard to hear these things come from his mouth.
Keep distance for your own good, don't call unless its an emergency or something that is needed. They are depressed and need time and space. They will not tell you what you want to hear untill they are out of the tunnel. Let him pursue you no matter how long it takes. Love never Fails.
I've gone through this same sad feeling for weeks myself, and I find that when I get out and GAL with a PMA, it is the best thing for me and the benefits from it have been great. Try some thing new for you that you have always wanted to do. I started doing mosaics, and its helped me keep my mind distracted while I am at home and now I have a new art piece to hang in place of my old pictures of my H and I.
Thanks again & stay positive, TIPPER

[peacetoday]

Hi not an ex and tipper
Thanks for visiting

H here tonight
it was interesting
he was a little talkative about work
he looked ragged
he works too much and is stresed
i think his workaholicism also sent him to crisis
He is always so concerned about this business employees my brother who works with him..it blows me away how he can spend 20 minutes on this work topic and never- never bring up the mess of our M or family
I listened affirmed his problems at work same ones as before
then I said I would like to talk not now maybe in a few days..let me know when is a good time for you
h said talk about what???????????
as if we have nothing to talk abput right
I said we have some things to clear up ..ket me know when talk will work for you and left it
but
I feel I got the answer and there will be no talk
he knew I meant D talk
he had this look on his face- like not now -cant go there
he isnt ready to D and he doenst want me to file either I know it
it doesnt mean he wont D eventually just not now
I sense I need to let go now until I know im ready or I see a real shift in him
I feel his over working could keep him from dealing with the M issues- he avoids it clearly
like all is OK

one more thing
I ran into my friend tonight who is in MLC I think
this time she semed different
she looked and sounded peacrful
she said she is staying in M(for a long time she wanted to leave)
she now sees possibilities although she doesnt know if she is attracted to her H anymore????
She mentioned she will be 40 next week
peace
peace

[Upside]

peace-
I keep saying it but it is so true how we are in the same place right now.

I said I would like to talk not now maybe in a few days..let me know when is a good time for you
h said talk about what???????????
as if we have nothing to talk abput right
I said we have some things to clear up ..ket me know when talk will work for you and left it
but
I feel I got the answer and there will be no talk
he knew I meant D talk
he had this look on his face- like not now -cant go there
he isnt ready to D and he doenst want me to file either I know it
it doesnt mean he wont D eventually just not now
I sense I need to let go now until I know im ready or I see a real shift in him
I feel his over working could keep him from dealing with the M issues- he avoids it clearly

Let go, let go, let go!!! Don't push for the talk...it will get you no where. This is hard...we want movement...we want progress...but they aren't ready. When your H comes over, don't try to analyze him...can you try to think of him a just one of the kids friends coming over to visit...or the friendly neighbor. Don't focus on him and what he does because it will just drive you CRAZY!!!

So, what are you doing for you now. My kids are gone this weekend so, I think I might go a day hike this weekend with a friend...or something like that...I think the weather will be good. Maybe I will try to catch on some movies, reading and I still have lots of walls to paint. I konw you get the idea...Live for you...live for your kids...try to pay no attention to that guy that stops by your house all the time...right now it is pointless if you do.

Let's talk soon.

<3
Upside

[2ndnoah]

Question.....H is pushing for us to file for D. He left 4 1/2 months ago. I do not want this. He has been pushing off and on since he left. 31 years together and I am sorry I just can't let go yet and really....never plan on it. He is MLC big time. OW I suspect but he will go to his grave before he fesses up to it. Nothing I say or do makes a difference. He left and has never thought about coming back. He is my 1st and only boyfriend. We've been together since 8th grade. He has little to do with our 2 sons 15&19. Actually, two weeks ago, they both have decided to have nothing to do with H. S19 has had this attitude since the day he left, and S15 decided 2 weeks ago. H does not even care!!!!!! He even told me that he is not going to make them have anything to do with him and that he does not want custody either.
My question is HOW do I keep him from filing for a divorce???? How do I make him realize what he is doing???

[doa180]

My question is HOW do I keep him from filing for a divorce???? How do I make him realize what he is doing???

Sorry to say this, but you can't do either one of those things. You just have to work on you. Easier said than done, as I fight the same battle every day.

[newnamenewlife]

I've been thinking about this too and how much we are enabling them to run by DBing.

This thought hit home for me too in MC yesterday. The C asked H what would need to happen for him to actually move out and he said "I would have to know that W was on an even keel."

So he WANTS to make sure I'm in good shape before he leaves, for the kids' sake. I have been very steady in general lately. I know this doesn't mean I should fall apart so he will stay--but me GAL is what my H wants to see so that he can leave feeling less guilty.

[2ndnoah]

Question for those out there that are more experience in MLC than I am. How much longer does this go on??? When do you throw in the towel??? H left almost 5 months ago (9/24/07). Has never given me a second look or indication of coming home. My sons 15&19 and his relationship has declined until now they want nothing to do with him. They do not want to talk to him or see him. Up until 2 weeks ago, when I became mutual, I encouraged them to have a relationship with H. Over the past months, I have made excuses for, taken up for, promoted, etc. for H in the eyes of my sons. I have taken a back step in H and my sons relationship and am letting my sons decide. This is soooo hard.

Actually, every aspect of my life is very hard at this point. When does this get easier??? When does my life get back on track??? When does my H come home??? When do I have control over me and my life??? When do I quit asking people....co-workers, relatives, strangers, neighbors, etc. for advice??? I have never been so confuse, undecided, hurt, devastated, crushed, reliable on society, etc. in all my life. I do not know from one day, one hour, one minute or second what will happen. I have never in my life, evaluated everything I do and say, down to every word, I speak. As well as how each word will be taken and this is to every person I speak to. I have never in my life tip-toed so that I feel if I move one way, do or say my world will fall down even more around me. I have never prayed so much in my life and feel that God has forgotten me. I just want this nightmare to end and me and my boys life back on track with hubby in it. How much longer will it take???

I feel like I am in a water well that has water pouring into it and I can not get out. Is all my efforts, sleepless nights, worry, frustration, hurt, and prayers ever going to payoff??? And how much longer is it going to take??? I feel so helpless in all that I do.

I have read Divorce Remedy over and over. I have the hardest time applying the 180 adise in the book due to H not having any contact with me. I wondered if I went ahead and filed the big D (which I do not want) would this make him wake up and come home??? Also, his clothes are still in the closent, in the dresser, even his toothbrush, razor, and other stuff are still in the bathroom. Actually, everything he has has been left just the way he left it 4 1/2months ago. It's like he died and nothing has been changed. I wonder....if I boxed his stuff up and took it to him or call him to pick it up if that would be an eye opener or change anything???

H has never admited to having a girlfriend and never will....people have to me they are sure he does (but have never seen him with anyone). My question is.....does someone walkout on their family, their childhood sweetheart after 25-31 years, giving up everything they own, their financial security, as well as their life, friends and loved ones if they don't have someone else??? Where does the courage come from to leave to begin with as well as continue to stay gone, if they aren't being ego busted by a girlfriend???? Help!

H emailed me today, said he wanted to come get his personal stuff and everything else he wanted this weekend. Crap! One step closer to D. I do not want this! This hurts my heart so. I am so lost. Why is this happening?

[peacetoday]

2nd Noah
Thanks for visiting
i gave you feedback on your thread
stop by again
peace

[peacetoday]

Hi
good day today
No word from H
enjoyed a great walk witha friend and kids
went to C
she is helping me finish the grief work
I am stuck 3/4 way
Hardest for me to give up the idea of our family -the 4 of us
now it is 3 of us -but it is healthier than before
I need to finish processing this loss, so I will know what to do next
If H returns I will be ready to start totally over
If he doesnt, I can move on
my life doesnt depend on him
he is sick right now
He is doing what his father did..following the script of his childhood;;his father left and hardly ever saw kids again
untill work is done, there is nowhere to go
I wont be able to really let go
peace