W not angry any more and wants to work on the M

[Lanzo]

Hello All

My name is Lanzo and I'm ready to piece my marriage back together.

I've been posting in the newcomers section for the last 6 months and I've ridden a tough rollercoster. I thought I would be in newcomers for a good while longer, but W seem to have had a sudden change where she wants to work on the M. Actually the change was coming but the last jump caught me a little bit on the hop.

Quick summary of our sitch:
Our M has always been up and down, no real mean fights just a lot of sulking, pouting and not talking on both sides. If we argue W shouts and withholds intimacy (which is limited anyway). I retreat into my shell, and sulk. No talking can last a long time.
2004 (Aug)W screams at me this M is over and we distance ourselves from each other for nearly a year.
2005 (Sept) discover brief PA,I made W ended it and we decide to work on the M.
2006 (April) discover evidence of long running EA with different OM (could go way back but for now I'll say 2003),
2006 Things were ok with us, W actually tried with M, so I let things go. (I didn't understand EA's then).
2007 (April) I get the proper ILYBNILWY speech, Shortly after I discover EA hotting up, so I bust it up.
2007 (June)Find out OM from PA, back as EA.
2007 (July)I go mad and move out. W gets mad at me and jumps into full blown PA again.
2007 (Aug) I discover DB site and get to work (wished I'd found it in 2005)
2007 (Oct)I move back home, W always mad at me.
2007(Dec)I DB, but get to point of giving up and suggest D talks. W says its ended with OM, and we should have talks in the new year.
2008 (Jan)Were in same house, same bed but W says she not attracted to me, doesn't want intimacy, felt like this for long time. She doesn't want D or to sell house anymore, but says we stuck together. No sign of commitment to me, but she committed to the house. We move forward slowly.
2008 (Feb)W wants to work on the M, be a family and do stuff together.

(Phew !!)

Links to previous threads
W always angry at me...
W still angry with me...
W less angry with me...

I've got loads of question as I've no idea where to start with piecing but I'll let you get aquainted with me and I'll pick up with stuff in my next post, and kinda detail our current situation a little bit more.

Thank you all and I look forward to corresponding with you

[Sara]

Your best bet is to go to a Retrouvaille weekend and learn good communication skills. Once you learn to listen to each other and how to ask questions, the whole process gets easier. It's simply a matter of having the tools to work with. Go to their website, http://www.helpourmarriage.org and read about the four stages of a marriage. Then check out locations and times of upcoming weekends. Congratulations! you've been through a lot. Good luck with piecing.

[Lanzo]

Hi Sara,

Thank you for the suggestion of the Retrouvaille weekend, unfortunately that is not an option where we are located. But you have hit on somthing which has been a problem in our marriage, Poor Communication. This is maybe one of the biggest problems we've had and is somthing I want us improve on. So I will be spending time looking and readin for suggestions. Hopefully I'll find somthing on this board.



Lan

[Concerned_Listener]

Lanzo,
Welcome to the Piecing community. You will find a group of smart and compassionate people here, each with their own strengths, approaches, and ideas. I will follow your thread, and contribute when I think I can be helpful.

CL

[cat03]

Poor Communication
==============
It's all boils down to that, everyone of our sitches, people assuming this and that, not saying what's bothering them, mind games, sarcasm, having the last word, drama, on and on.
Do you have an MC?

[fb2]

Lan, Retrovaille, MC, etc. work best if both are on the same plain. At any rate these things are very "iffy" and in addition if she's not "ready" it could backfire. The big plus is she now wants to work on the R/M. So you may want to start "light" with something "educational" like CDs, videos, books, courses, etc. to get her going and until you discover where exactly to put the effort. and it may well be communication. Try poking around here for info: http://www.smartmarriages.com

[Lanzo]

From the moment I started DB up until last week, I've avoided R talk so I'm not sure where W's head is in all that. So although we are getting on and she wants to work on the M , her actual words were "we need to talk more" and "We need to spend more time together" I'm not sure if she still want to get in to MC.

I did mention MC as a way forward last September when we first got into this sitch and W told me to eff off. I mentioned again when she finished with OM in December and she said she'd consider it, but its not been mentioned since.

I don't instigate R talk and now we're piecing I'm not sure how to do this just in case it breaks the calm. Any suggestions ?


Lan

[Kalni]

Lan,

I am so glad you made it "here". You are in my prayers.
Good luck!
Kalni

[Lanzo]

I'm just journaling here.

W and I are back at a point where we were 2 years ago when we decided to work on the M and spend time more time together etc. And for the life of me I couldn't remember how things got away from us so quickly to get us where we were, on the point of D.

Anyway after spending the last evening together, it all came back to me.

Now that things have calmed down between us, W seems to be much more comfortable and relaxed around me so when we sit and watch TV she falls asleep. OK not such a big deal, but when you make plans to watch a special TV program or a movie and she falls asleep, its really annoying. I can remember in the past just leaving her sleeping downstairs while I went to bed in frustration, she wakes up sees I'm not there and then shes frustrated with me. I can also remember the plans we used to make for an "Early Night" we'd snuggle up together in bed and she'd fall asleep even before I could even lift up her nightie. I ended up withdrawing from her which leads to her feeling neglected by me. So in the end we stopped watching movies together, we stopped going to bed at the same time and we just drifted apart.

Anyway the falling asleep happened again last night and all those memories came back to me in an instance. I was quiet this morning and when asked what was wrong I told her I was concerned that we could drift back into old habits end up with the same problems again. W replied well at least we've not fallen out over it, but she did add that she felt really tired.

So Just that little act of her falling asleep has lead to a whole heap of other issues.

Oh I should add that the mitigating circumstances that W has is she has to take lots of Meds for her lung condition and they do make her drowsy esp with a glass of wine. Also in her job she is about and about in the fresh air and always comes home tired. But there are ways and means to stay awake and accommodate your partner if you really want to. I mean the meds didn't stop her straying. But anyway that last bit wasn't my point. It's more that I've identified an underlying, almost hidden issue that affects us and I want to address it rather than hope it just goes away.

[Concerned_Listener]

Lanzo,
I'm not sure where the breakdown is. Does she intend to stay awake and then falls asleep? Is she aware that your expectation is to spend time with her, and that falling asleep distresses you?

This seems like a solvable problem. Would you be allowed to wake her if she dozed off? Is she expected to stay awake every time you two watch TV together? Does she fall asleep most of the time that you're together quietly or occassionally?

You seem to take her falling asleep personally, though I'm sure it's tied into other issues.

CL