If you've got a spouse in the hospital having surgery, it's your job to find out what's going on.

I can understand that POV. I think that most here would think that is a reasonable expectation especially under normal circumstances. The difference between everybody else* and what I think you are saying is that in your case you believe there is NO excuse for not following up with the hospital to find out what was going on with Brian and I, at least, believe there is some basis to extenuating circumstances. I am not arguing that her behavior was "okay" just that the circumstances were not easy and his wife may have been under added pressure.

Brian wrote initially - my W was my biggest champion and really stood out as a devoted member of the team. For example, she was by my side during every ER visit and hospital stay, and stayed up nights to comfort me while I was suffering in pain. Via process of elimination, my teams of doctors ruled out cardiac distress and concluded that I have a viral infection of the chest wall with the added bonus of heavy inflammation. After a few weeks of meds and rest, I started to improve. In fact, I went back to work and resumed partial activities.

The fact that Brian says that just a month earlier his wife had given him great care during a hospitalization gives the impression that his wife was dealing with some extra stress and issues during his second hospitalization because obviously she was able to be by his side and meet his needs just the month prior. And again it's not as if she was off on a vacation and not checking on him.

Call me crazy. I know you want to.

Nah. I don't think you're crazy at all. A bit sensitive maybe, but not crazy.

What it comes down to is this is a bigger issue to me than to everybody else*. That's fine. I also never said this was a make or break issue. I just think Mrs. Brian made a very stupid choice just like I think your elk hunter made a very stupid choice. Everybody else* thinks she didn't make a very stupid choice. Okay. We disagree.

I would phrase it more this way, my friend's brother absolutely made a very stupid choice given the circumstances I have been told and have shared here. Given Mrs. Brian's circumstances, I just don't think it's as easy as her making a stupid choice. What I can agree with is that she did not do a thorough job of following up on Brian's second hospital stay. I think it might be more accurate to say that she did not handle the situation well. I think what everybody else* thinks is that she was in a stressed situation in which the ball was dropped by not giving the extra effort. Being preoccupied with her mom's health and assuming that Brian would be okay is a bit less purposeful than going on a vacation with friends and not returning even if your spouse specifically asks you to.

I think Brian has every right to be incredibly upset with her. What Brian chooses to do with my opinion is up to him.

I also absolutely agree that Brian has every right to feel whatever he feels. If his feelings are hurt, then they are hurt whether Mrs. Brian meant to hurt them or not.

Of course it is Brian's choice but I would hope he is able to express himself to his wife in a way that honestly communicates his feelings versus trying to "make her feel badly." Using what he wrote in his first post I would say or write something like this "Mrs. Brian when I went into the hospital the second time there was a real possibility that I would not live and I spent some evenings touch and go. Not having you by my side was very hard for me. I did not feel like it was my place to ask you to leave your mother and come home to me. Now I am feeling angry wondering how much I could mean to you knowing that I could have died without you by my side."

To me that expresses what he wrote initially. It does not presume what his wife's feelings were because we really do not know. It also does not dance around the fact that Brian does feel angry and hurt that his wife was not at his side.

(*everybody else = everybody else except Cemar)

Burg,

I don't think we completely disagree on this issue. We just don't completely agree either.

Brian,

I hope things are okay with you, your wife and your MIL.

Fearless



But what is happiness except the simple harmony between a man and the life he leads? ~Albert Camus