Hanging on to what I believe in!

[ba065]

Thanks everyone for your posts...I really do appreciate each and every one of you and your words of encouragement!!!!!!!! Hugs!!!!

Essie:

I don't have a fear of separating at this point, although I was worried about it a few months ago....H doesn't seem to be looking for an out in that regard...he's considering that his sleeping in the other bedroom is a "trial separation" but we do have normal interactions alot of the time...I'm not talking about IR...I mean, we go out to dinner or go biking or shopping together...go to church, that kind of stuff....

He has no place to go really....MOW is married and not looking to leave her H. She has feelings for him, I'm told....but I think the attachment is more from H's side...He's in love with her but admits that there is nothing that will come out of it because she won't leave her H. So unless H wants to divide everything up and sell both our properties and go get a place to live alone...he has no incentive to do that really....neither one of us would be able to live the lifestyle we're used to if we were on our own and that bothers him.... So, I don't think that separation is in the cards yet....???? Of course that could all change tomorrow!? H is also concerned with how things would appear to family and friends if he left....why, I don't know, but he worries about what our parents would think.

I guess my biggest fear stems from his depression. He's so all over the place emotionally. From threatening to blow his brains out....to saying he would never do something stupid like that...to being kind caring and compassionate...to being ruthless, dishonest and mean...the normal MLC script stuff.... like I've said before I'd rather him be happy and alive even if that means we can't be together....I've told him this repeatedly...and he just says "I know".

Sometimes he so rational about things that I question the MLC and if he really has it....other times I believe he has it...no doubts....he's all over the board!

Last night he was very kind and caring...he initiated R talks and I blew it and ended up crying alot....he felt so bad for me. He was holding me and trying to comfort me...kept asking me if I was okay...he cuddled with me this morning again?! Took my face in his hands before he left...kissed me a couple times and said I love you. ???? He just called my work and invited me to meet him for lunch???? He and MOW had lunches twice this week already, so maybe she is busy today?!

I hate this ride.

Thanks again guys....you are great!

BA