The secret phone was quite an experience, actually. I found it by rolling over on it in our bed one night (H slept w/his phone so he could text in the night, but I didn't know that). I took it out into the other room and read all like 400 messages. Then I hid it in a box of photos high on a shelf in our living room. Then I confronted him. I thought for sure we were getting a D and was hoping I could use the messages for leverage on custody/support, etc. H threw a fit that I took HIS phone and basically made me the bad guy in the situation b/c I broke HIS trust and stole HIS phone. I kept it for 2 days. Then I realized (don't know where the 2x4 came from) that if he were going to leave me, he was going to do it regardless of what I did and my actions just gave him reasons--illegitimate reasons, but still--to make me part of the problem. So one morning before work I walked up to him and gave it to him. He thought I took it and had the messages downloaded so I could save them. I didn't--I have no idea how you do that stuff. I don't know if he still thinks I did or not. But I told him he could have the phone back b/c I didn't want to be "that person" in our relationship. The one who has to be manipulative and deceitful. I said, "Here is your phone, you can do with it what you want". The very next day he said he had put it away "somewhere in the house" and wasn't using it anymore.
When we were making a budget about 8 weeks ago, (trying to figure out the $$ we needed for H to live in the apartment) we got to the cell phone part. I asked him how much he needed per month for his extra phone. Not in a mean way, just matter-of-fact for the budget. He said not much, he only had to pay for it for 2 more months. He said "That is the soonest I can get out of the contract, sorry". So it sounded like he was stopping the phone. And I have never seen it since, and he sleeps in his underwear half the time now so I am sure I would notice it in our bed.
Besides, my new attitude is that if he wants to talk to ex-OW, he can talk to her at work. He can call her from his normal cell phone. He can meet up with her at lunch or after work when I think he is running errands, etc. The point is if he wants to talk to her, he will. If not, he won't. My worrying about it won't change the facts. And eventually his actions will be revealed if he does get with her, b/c they were revealed last time. So I am choosing to act "As If" his PA is over, and he is just going through the process of detaching from her in the emotional sense. Which will be easier once we are in Omaha.....
But anyway, based on the messages it was about 50/50 who started the texting back and forth each time. But it was 90/10 the OW who sent needy, begging-style messages.
Oh well, moving on.....we have our MC at 11 today.
I thought I screwed it up last night. I mentioned to H how I liked the things he does for me (kisses, hugs, etc.) and how I have so enjoyed them in the past. But when we went to bed, he did the "goodnight, I'm tired" thing again. I got annoying and said something like, "Too tired for a kiss? That takes 5 seconds to kiss me and say I love you" He said, "yes, I am too tired for that." I stupidly pointed out how he wasn't too tired to go to work, move hay, go bowling, find a new job, etc. but was just too tired to do anything for ME. I said, "I need 30 seconds a day from you to give me a hug, a kiss, look in my eyes and say you love me. That is too much?" I got teary and went into the living room Out there, I realized I WAS DOING IT AGAIN! MESSING THINGS UP!
After a bit I went back to bed. I rolled up to H and said "I am sorry. I promised I would give you the space you need and I haven't. I won't do this anymore"
I barely got the I'm sorry part out and he had rolled over and kissed me smack on the lips! Dumb me, I kissed him back but then finished my apology. Should have shut up and enjoyed the kiss.
Anyway we spoke this morning on the phone after he went to work. I said I was sorry for my behavior last night. He acted like he barely remembered the conversation and said don't worry about it. But his next words were "what time is our MC today?" So I don't know if he is planning on discussing this at the MC. I just know he was right and I was wrong. I said in my "detach with love" letter when I thought he was leaving, that I was going to focus on me and let him make his own progress at his own pace. And now I am pushing again. SO I am going to do all I can to STOP pushing. And just enjoy the progress..............
