Tired and giving up

[LuvMyHusband]

Hi everyone,
I need some advice. I'm having a low day. What's new right? My H and I have had some superficial moments but nothing more. He doesn't text, email or call me voluntarily. I do have to admit that I told him something else about a month ago that happened several years ago when I had my break down. It did hurt him and I know he is struggling with it. It's hell because he totally blames me for ruining our marriage with what I did several years ago and not being honest about it. No, he does not see how he hasn't been honest either.

Anyway, he is supposed to be coming home this weekend to see the kids. It's been 5 weeks since he was last here. He originally blamed the drive but when he was offered a free ticket to fly, he wouldn't accept it. Obviously he is depressed and doesn't want to deal with me.

This is my quandary. One one hand I want to be here. I feel that I need to try to atone for the pain I have caused him. That means putting mine on the backburner. But, he doesn't really seem to accept my apologies and attempts to make things right with him.

I'm thinking of leaving for the time that he is here to give him time and space with the kids. I also could use a break. I asked him once before if it would help if I left when he was here so that he would see the kids more often and he said no. I really don't know what to do.

[LuvMyHusband]

when he has visited in the past, of course I didn't db very well and things blew up. I am not doing those things any more, snooping, etc. but it sure feels like it's too late. He has emotionally divorced himself from me and nothing I do seems to get through to him. What hurts the most is the impact on our kids. D8 asked him if she was more important than the people in CA. She asked him if he wanted to be here, she doesn't feel he really cares about her anymore. I tell her that her daddy loves her but she's not feeling it.

[GoingForward]

Hi there, Luv. I'm new to the site but not to DBing. I'm not familiar with your whole sitch, but the title of your thread caught my eye.

My advice would be to go out while your H is there. If at all possible, why not go out and enjoy some Luv-time? You said yourself that you could really use a break. This would be very beneficial to you in more than one way. One, again, you need the break. Two, it will make H wonder what you've got going on (provided of course that you do not give him details of your plans). Should he ask, why not simply say something like, "I have some things I'd like to do. Have a great time with the kids!" Be vague but kind. Then leave, with a smile on your face .

Are there any how-to classes in your area this weekend that you'd be interested in checking out? Go catch up with some friends if you can. Do you like to read books? How about buying a new one and then hang out at a nice cafe while reading and enjoying some lunch? What about going on a shopping day? If money's an issue, then window-shop! Try on new clothes just to see how great you'd look in them! I do it all the time! And there's nothing like a relaxing mani/pedi !

Plan a trip, here and there, throughout the weekend so that you're not around the entire time that H is there. This will also give him time to be with just the kids. Remember, they want time with their father, too, and he owes it to them.

I know you want to be around your H, that you probably want nothing more than to be with him. But you have to think about taking care of yourself first. Do for you. Treat yourself, love yourself.

Think of the title you chose for your thread. "Tired and giving up". Tired? Go out and rejuvenate yourself. You deserve it and are totally worth it! Giving up? No. You're not a quitter because if you were, you wouldn't be here. The only thing you can give up on is the OLD R you had with H. Focus on YOU, and only then can you begin a new R with your H, never losing sight of yourself.

This is about YOU, Luv. Not H.

Take care, and I really hope you GAL this weekend!

[LuvMyHusband]

Thanks Uncertainty,
I do have a couple of plans for while he is here. He and I spoke last night for a bit. His blood pressure is very high. Too high. I have scheduled a doctor's appointment for him on Monday to get checked out and get some meds. He says that he hasn't been happy, that he's miserable being away from us. But I also think he's afraid of coming home to the same ol' R and me. So not only do I need to take care of me while he's here but I need to show him that I have made changes.

[GoingForward]

He says that he hasn't been happy, that he's miserable being away from us. But I also think he's afraid of coming home to the same ol' R and me.

The exact same words my H has used. Many, many times.

So not only do I need to take care of me while he's here but I need to show him that I have made changes.

I couldn't agree more. I wasn't saying that you should be entirely away, because it would definitely be good for H to see those changes. Just try not to be around the whole time. Give him time and space.

Hope all goes well with his doctor appt and also with his upcoming visit.

Good luck.

[LuvMyHusband]

Good morning,
I think I need to change the name of my thread. I'm tired but not giving up. I certainly feel like it sometimes! I have been wondering about something. My H has taken steps to reassure me that he is not in contact with the OW any longer. It's hard to believe as he has told me this before and then I'd find out later that he was. I have asked but then he has also volunteered the information. What I'm trying to figure out is if he isn't, then why doesn't he come any closer to me?

I know he's not feeling well, his blood pressure is dangerously high and he hasn't been sleeping well. He's also seriously depressed. I have scheduled a doctor's appointment for him on Monday. I'm hoping when he starts feeling physically better that the emotional will follow.

I do know that my H is the kind to withdraw when there is confrontation. I am doing much better but at times when I'm afraid I allow my fear to override my good sense.

[Yoyowife]

Luv,
You will do fine. Try to be relaxed and calm, I know, easier said than done, but you can do it. Get the house really clean. Cook something that smells wonderful. Give him alone time with the kids. You can stay at the house, just find something to do in another room. Root has given suggestions before to put out pictures of the kids and you doing fun things. Make him see what he is missing.

Hugs

[LuvMyHusband]

Thanks Yoyo,
I definitely feel my H is lonely, sad and not feeling well. I am going to love and nurture him but not smother him. I do plan on giving him plenty of alone time with the kids. I am planning on making my homemade Chicken & Dumplings which will be just right for as cold as it is here. I am going to let him set the pace with us. I do not have an expectations, I just want to give to him.

[LuvMyHusband]

hey all,
H should be here sometime this afternoon. I feel that I am prepared in every way. I also have two prospective buyers coming to look at our home. I am sad but yet not.

Please say a prayer for me (us) that this time with H goes well. I have worked so hard on myself the last month and I really hope he notices.

If I don't get back on this weekend, everyone have a good one! Keep up the PMA.

[Michael Mc C]

Luv - I wish (pray) for the best for you this weekend. You HAVE worked so hard and I'm sure it will be noticed. If (and I mean a big IF) there is any backsliding, do NOT beat yourself up or try to dig out of it. Let it go and continue with being the new you.

I have found that when I backslide I tend to continue backsliding by trying to make amends or over-explaining things. Now I simply accept it as being human and try my best to get right back up on that "horse". Controlled breathing, counting to 10, etc. has helped me an awful lot too.

Catch the backslide, regroup your thoughts and carry on.