Used To The Pain

[Yoyowife]

NC,
I just wanted to share a little info with you that happened in my situation. The H of the OW hired a PI to trail my H and his wife.

He started the investigation in November and shared his finding with me in January. I had never talked to him before. I suspected that my H and his W were having an affair (boss/secretary), but this was confirmed by him then.

He spent endless hours with the PI gathering info in hopes of using it for custody. He had video of my H spending the night with her while the son was there. He had video for several months to show it was ongoing. Days before the hearing the OW's H's attorney told her attorney that they had this evidence. So during the hearing she had no alternative than other to admit to the affair and yes, they had sex in the room right across the hall from her son. Unfortunately, this had little or no bearing on the outcome of the hearing. She still got primary custody of the son with her XH getting him on the weekends.

She now likes to throw it up in her XH's face that he spent all of that money on the PI and it didn't do him any good. Yes, she is such a sweetheart. Well, I have a few choice words I would used to describe her but I'm going to be a lady and refrain.

[NoCodeBlues]

In a lot of ways I bet that threat is even more effective.. too bad that option's not available everywhere. \:\)

Nik, it used to be the norm that every state had laws against adultery and had policies promoting M and the family. Not any longer. Not since the No-fault Divorce movement.

At the risk of sounding like a political cynic (What, me? No way), you have to remember that politicians are the ones who make the laws, and they're often the ones in this case who don't like little inconveniences like the sanctity of marriage to get in their ways.


Yoyo, thanks for that. I do realize this might be a bust for me, but then if I don't do this and my W is successful in alienating me from my S's, then I will at least have solid proof to show my boys, some day maybe if they're ready and wanting to know why their lives were turned upside down, just what I have been up against. To be honest, I wouldn't really feel right about destroying their trust in their mother, but she's already doing that now while taking steps to harm their bond with me.

[NoCodeBlues]

Wow, just took a blow to the gut...
W sent an email that just takes the wind out of me. I can't believe it. Here's what she wrote:

NCB,
Ever since your episode of slamming doors & yelling & pointing your finger in my mom's face & blaming her for our breakup S7 has been very upset. We asked him what was bothering him & he said a lot of thing. He said Daddy said: "MIL broke up 3 marriages & she's Mommy's cheerleader & she whispers things in Mommy's ears......" These are your hateful words spewing from your son's mouth. Also he built the Mack lego truck & put a satellite dish on it & said "Daddy would hate this" "He hates satellite" He hates Diego too...." I had to explain to him that all this hatefulness is a big part of why I can't live with Daddy" I want our house to be full of love & peace. S7 is smart. He sees & feels the difference. He & S3 both noticed that you hate a stuffed bear just because his name is OM. It's from a book. OM is my friend & co-worker. He is not a part of the kids life. I don't think I can trust anyone again. So I have no intention to remarry. Whether you believe that or not is irrelevant, but you should not poison the kids brain against me, their grandmother, the name "OM", Hispanics, satellite dishes, people who use pc's, liberals........the list of things you hate is very long & S7 can name them all. Last time I checked Jesus was all about love........ Your hatefulness preceded my mom, she's just helping to make sure the kids have a stable loving caregiver while I make sure they have a roof over their head & food to eat & all the love they need. If Mom wasn't here I would utilize the YMCA just like a bunch of other parents. S7 has actually expressed an interest in that service. It's more expensive but doable.
Thanks,
WAW

I am flabbergasted and continue to be amazed at how horrible a person my W and MIL make me out to be. Now I am a racist? Now I am a hate-filled person and a bigot? (All I've ever said is that I disprove of some of the things her mother allows our kids to watch on TV, that's it.)

How do you answer something so insane? Accusations so off-the-wall as to be in the Twilight Zone?

I am really, really worried about my sons even more now.

[LL44]

I had to explain to him that all this hatefulness is a big part of why I can't live with Daddy

Here, she is yelling at you about spewing to your sons, but she finds THAT ok to say to your son???? She is really losing it. How are you planning on responding (if you even do, might not be worth it).

You gave me hugs earlier, I am handing 'em back to you no code......

[NoCodeBlues]

My mind is just reeling -- what should I do? Do I send a response? Do I call her? Or is there even a response at all to something so... so... crazy?


(I also feel desperate to get to a talk in with S7 about this, to assuage any anxiety he might be feeling from whatever this is.)

[LL44]

I would definately sit on it tonight nocode. You are too upset to be rational with an irrational woman. You need a good night's sleep, my friend.

When do you see S7 next?

[Michael Mc C]

I agree completely with lwb. Sit tight for now.

When you do speak to your son, make sure it is all about love and reassurance. If anything your W is saying is true, he needs to know how YOU feel about HIM. I would recommend staying away from discussing anything with him about W and MIL at this point. IMO.

[EmtnRllrCstr]

NCB,

Tough night....sorry.....

From my experience these types of comments, accusations, character assassination is done by your WAW to make her feel better about what she is doing. She needs to justify what is going on to herself and anyone else that will listen......

My suggestion is this...do nothing..... No matter how badly you want to defend yourself against outbursts like this don't.. They will do you no good. Now I am not telling you to be a doormat, but, getting into an argument from this is just not worth it.

NCB, just keep being a solid Dad to your boys... Don't degrade your W in front of them...heck don't even talk about the A around them.. Just keep being the solid Dad that you are to your boys... In time they will know the truth. They are watching you.....

Again sorry that she still feels the need to attack you like this...

Stay Strong,
Scott

[NoCodeBlues]

Thanks, everyone. I really appreciate everyone taking the time to offer their support and advice. You guys are so great.

Unfortunately, I didn't have a chance to read your responses (I have been out of town on business) before talking to my W this morning via mobile phone. We again had a bad R talk. I should know better -- she won't listen and forms her own opinions about me without bothering to ask me.

Still, I wish there was some way, some how, she would understand that she and I really need to work together for the sake of our sons. The M aside, she needs to realize that what's best for our S's is that their parents work together, with no belligerence, whether we are married or not.

I wrote a response but did not send it -- I was giving it the 48 hour rule, but it is likely a moot point now.

I want to convince her she and I need to seek some form of counseling, to work to repair our strained relationship, for no other reason than making peace for our children's sake.

But I guess W fears that any success, however small or sleight, in mending this train wreck will only be evidence that we could do the same for our M as well -- and she is dead-set against that. No room for compromise in her book.

I know that MIL is an agitator, of that I have no doubt. But it really rests with W.

This scorched earth policy is going to be very damaging to my S's. Why can't she see that?

[NikB]

Hey Nocode,

Wow, just caught up. Sorry you're having to deal with all this! It's bad enough the hurt she's putting you through but to pull your sons into it like that.. makes me really sad.

I think any "convincing" or "making her understand" you attempt is probably going to continue to backfire.. but just a thought. Maybe you can set up a counseling session for yourself with the intent that it's to discuss parenting during a D. Then let her know that you are going and she's welcome to come if she'd like to? Maybe even do this via a polite, business-like email so that she doesn't have the chance to twist anything around on you. I know she probably won't go, but I'm thinking if you set it up that way where you're going either way and it's TOTALLY about the parenting aspect, NOTHING about an R between you two (even as friendly coparents), maybe there's a chance she'd go for it??

If you end up going by yourself maybe the C will have some good ideas for how to discuss all this with your S. If she shows up, I'm sure the C will make the point about a civil R between you being important, and it might be better received than the same message coming from you.

And in either case, I'm thinking it would help you chalk up some additional "good Dad" points for the courts..