Finding my way out of the dark

[mishka422]

Last thread locked but that gave me a perfect opportunity to change the subject of my thread anyway.

I was at my DivorceCare group tonight and we were discussing what was the loss we felt the most deeply this week. I was the last in the group to share so I heard everyone else's replies and had time to think. Every one of them made good points - the loss of time with their kids, the loss of the dream of the future, the loss of their companion. I feel all of those things but the thought that overwhelmed me the most this week was that not only have I lost the person I was supposed to be able to trust with my very heart and soul forever but I've also lost my own trust in my judgement. How can I every trust someone again when I can't even trust that I have enough sense to determine when someone is completely fabricating their entire personality. That is how I feel right now, like I never knew my H and the person he is now is really the person he has been hiding from me for 18 years. A liar, cheater, manipulator and abuser.

The frightening thing about feeling that I can't even trust myself is that I don't know where to start on my journey out of this dark place. Don't get me wrong, I have moments when I feel really strong and determined. Moments where I feel like I can get along just fine without my husband and maybe someday forgive him for destroying our family. Right now is not one of those times but I'm working on it.

I did manage to keep from hurling nastiness at him tonight. One little thing set me off but I bit my tongue (or fingers since I was only texting him). Checked answering machine when I got home and there was a message from the dentist reminding him of his appointment in the morning. It made me mad for some stupid reason that he has managed to cut me out of his life but can't be bothered to change the phone number the dentist uses to contact him. I sent him a text telling him that the dentist called to remind of the appointment and to please change his number with them. I kept it at that. I wanted to add that I didn't need the constant reminders of my inadequacy and the destruction of my family and to stop torturing me with soulful looks when he sees me, compliments on my appearance (which he never did before), etc., etc.. I sat on my hands and didn't do it. Wouldn't serve any purpose but to tick him off and make me feel worse. That's why I come here and pour all of this out to you all.

Tonight's prayers are going to be long and hopefully inspiring. God will show me His light to guide me from the darkness. I know with His love all things are possible, I just have to be patient and follow His direction.

Love to you all!

[inmyplace]

mishka,

You said:

Moments where I feel like I can get along just fine without my husband and maybe someday forgive him for destroying our family. Right now is not one of those times but I'm working on it.

Actually, you did work on it tonight by doing this:

I wanted to add that I didn't need the constant reminders of my inadequacy and the destruction of my family and to stop torturing me with soulful looks when he sees me, compliments on my appearance (which he never did before), etc., etc.. I sat on my hands and didn't do it.

And you didn't even realize it.

The light will come. Hang in there.

IMP

[missmyfriend]

Mishka, I went through the same thing wondering if the 21 years with my best friend had been a lie the whole time. Was she really this other person? The answer is yes and no. She is a different person right now but she was that wonderful person before. She was that loving, caring and self sacrificing best friend and love I knew. She came to not trust that was her and has tried to redefine herself.

My point is that the H you knew was real but, in a way, so is this one. It doesn't mean that he will stay this kind of person forever. He needs love and patience now more than ever. It is easy to love our spouse when they are lovable. It is easy to be patient with them when they demonstrate care and patience with us. Now is the part of the vows, which we hold dear, to quietly love them through this. Unfortunately, we have to do this by ourselves. They are not part of it.

Even though he should be your rock, you need to be the family's rock. So many have compared us to a lighthouse that provides a beacon that will show where home is. You can't force the "ship" to come home but the safety will be there.

He is being less than he should be right now. It isn't fair. You deserve to be treated better. But Mishka, don't let the circumstances be your reality. It is temporary. Yes, it may take awhile but in the grand scheme of things, it will be a short period out of a lifetime. I caution anyone to avoid justifying their decisions in their minds. Let them see the real Mishka.

My prayers are for you.

[Tia]

Mishka42,

Wow, when there's OW, its a killer. I believe it drastically hinders a woman's already existing poor, self-esteem. You need to love yourself. Even if you have to look in the mirror every morning, and say, "I love you's", do it! But, you need to say it meaningfully. If you hear yourself saying a negative word, change it to a positive. Reinvent yourself by doing things you love, or change your looks.

Most importantly, you need to forgive your H and yourself. Its a journey, and you've came to the right place.

Please keep us posted,
/Tia

[mishka422]

I wanted to share this with all of you. I received this email from a friend this morning and it really spoke to my heart and soul.


Remember,
God's message CAN make the difference in the life of someone close to you.

Please share this wonderful message...

'Faith is the affirmation and the act that bids eternal truth be present fact.'
Coleridge


Just 3 Words

Three things in life that, once gone, never come back -
1. Time
2. Words
3. Opportunity

Three things in life that can destroy a person -
1. Anger
2. Pride
3. Unforgiveness

Three things in life that you should never lose-
1. Hope
2. Peace
3. Honesty

Three things in life that are most valuable
1. Love
2. Family & Friends
3. Kindness

Three things in life that are never certain -
1. Fortune
2. Success
3. Dreams

Three things that make a person -
1. Commitment
2 . Sincerity
3. Hard work

Three things that are truly constant -

Father - Son - Holy Spirit



I ask the Lord to bless you, as I pray for you today;
to guide you and protect you, as you go along your way.
God's love is always with you, God's promises are true.
And when you give God all your cares, you know God will see you through.

~~***My God Reigns***~~~

NO one falls in love By choice, it is by CHANCE.
No one s tays in love by chance, it is by WORK.
And no one falls out of love by chance, it is by CHOICE

He did something for you, now do something for him.
Spread his word, and you'll be rewarded.

How will you be rewarded?

[missmyfriend]

Thank you Mishka for posting that.

[mishka422]

Well, so back to square one. I completely lost it with H this afternoon. I had to call him to see if he was putting money in my account since there are bills due tomorrow and are auto-pay. He didn't respond to text so I called him - never would have if it weren't vitally important. I asked if he got my message and he said he did and he was at ATM getting money to put in my account. He put in $350. There are no agreements in place yet (too soon) but he owes $177 just for his portion of the phone bill plus money for S13, plus karate, plus car insurance, plus half of the credit card bills. His response was that he would just come take the new car and take care of that. Excuse me? NOT! He said his lawyer said he only had to pay $500 child support per month. Close, but wrong! That doesn't mean he gets to skip out on the rest of the joint bills just because he's not living in our house anymore. I'm stuck with the utilities, the rent, all the credit cards, all of everything and he thinks that is all he has to do right now. WRONG! Of course this transpired right after 5pm so my lawyer isn't in her office.

I told him all of the above and told him that if he thought that was all he was going to pay he was completely mistaken and that he wasn't going to leave me with all of the bills and his lawyer would hear from my lawyer. I then hung up and fumed for a while and sent him a text giving him a breakdown of the costs per month for the bills we both owe and told him that his selfishness was sickening.

I know - BAD BAD BAD BAD!!!! I couldn't help it! I'm sinking very quickly without his income. Haven't been to the grocery for more than milk and bread in 6 weeks because I had to make sure I could make the rent and utilities.

I'm so p.o'd right now I could spit. I don't dare go home in the mood I'm in because I might blow up in front of my S13 and my mom.

Can anyone say stiff drink? Ok, maybe not, not going to help me at all. I just need lots and lots of prayer and meditation.

Please pray for me all. I'm not sure what I'm going to do now. Everything is such a mess.

[mishka422]

To top it all off, after I posted this I get text from H saying to not text or call him again unless it is about S13 and to stop harassing him or it will come back to bite me. Excuse me? Harass him? I sent him the exact information about what he owes and nothing more and I'm harassing him?

NC NC NC NC! I have to call my L in the morning about all of this. I HATE THIS! I've never felt like this before - like I want to do physical harm to him...I swear! I can dream about it can't I? Bad girl!

I've spent quite a bit of time tonight praying for God's guidance in this and for His peace and mercy. I am feeling much more calm right now and hope I can sleep.

You all take care.

[mishka422]

Can't reach my lawyer. She's in court and her assistant is filing papers at the courthouses. Aren't there laws in place to protect LBS that say something to the effect of them not being permitted to significantly change the living style (or something similar) of their child? There are no agreements of any kind in place yet (too short a time) but he is under this impression that all the bills are now mine and he can just walk away and leave them and start over. That isn't true is it? The credit cards are in my name but they are marital debt according to the state of GA and his income was used to get the cards. He had cards on two of them as well which he doesn't have anymore. It's not like I even told him he had to pay into utilities or the rent (even though I think he's supposed to since his name is on the lease) just what he owes me for the bill he ran up and half of the costs for S13's karate and his portion of the car insurance. What the heck? Why is he refusing to do anything.

I'm sorry, I'm going on and on. Trying to stay out of panic mode, lots of prayer being done over here.

Anyone have any advice. What happened in your situations? I know all states are different but getting input would really help me to be more prepared.

Thanks!

[missmyfriend]

Mishka, prayer is always the first place to go. I don't really know what to recommend, although my situation is similar only to the extent that my W walked away from all of our bills. The thing that is in my favor is that I was the breadwinner and pretty much took care of all the bills anyway. She would bring in an occassional paycheck which was a blessing but I tried to keep expenses controlled. It is getting tight now though because of the house we moved into, thinking there would be two incomes to pay down the second mortgage.

I think you need to do what is necessary to take care of you and your son. When you do anything try to remove any anger or retaliation out of it. Your H will be upset no matter what but when he is rational, he will understand and respect you for doing what was necessary.