I just found your new thread. Man you have been doing some great work with your C - good for you! Tough at the time, but exciting to see the potential to be transformed!
Can I share my insights (but please ignore if I'm off the mark!). I see myself in you, (I was such a control freak), but I can see its easy to my situation confused with yours - so really please ignore if its not helpful.
I think a while ago you mentioned that you feel like a librarian - you've read so much but haven't had a chance to put things into practice. I feel the same... so this comes from my reading and processing rather than me actually being able to live it out.
I think at the heart of the question about BF choosing his career over you is.... wait for it.... control. Do you think its possible that you want to control him and change him in terms of his career and your R? It sounds like you want to figure out what you could have done to make him change, so that he could see things the way that you do (i.e relationship is #1 priority, and career #2). Actually real love is giving someone the space to be the person they are. Its impossible for them to be anything except for the person that they are being. And part of that might be accepting that for him it was more important to make some selfish decisions about his career and his location. And you cant / couldn't have changed who he was... so are you able to accept that that is who is? And do you want to be with someone who has those priorities?
It is so all about you, and realizing that you are the only one you can control.
Pre-marriage and during marriage I was a HUGE fan of love languages, mars & venus types books. I made H read them so that he could more effectively love me (ha! ha!!). The thing about all of that is to get really clear about what your 'wants' are vs. what your 'needs' are. And when you are single you realise that many of the things you thought were needs are really only wants. Yes I need food, and water. And I want to be appreciated, but I can actaully get through the day and be happy in myself without a single word of affirmation (my L.L)! I guess the point is that after reading those books I thought that it was my right to demand to have my 'wants' be met. But actually if I can only change myself I should have spent more time making sure I was communicating with H's L.L.
However in all my DB reading, I have worked out that while I couldnt change H I could influence him. And the best book I've read on that subject is "Why men marry Bitches"..... but I'm yet to convince anyone that its worth reading. BTW BITCH stands for Babe In Total Control of Herself - which is my goal. In my next relationship I'm going to be aware that the best way to influence a man is by actions - and more specifically withdrawing my fabulous attention, if something goes wrong. Rather than talking and talking about it, and recommemding H re-read the Love Language book again!
I also have tried to keep my emotions and thoughts under control. I wouldnt discuss a situation unless I had pre-thought it out. Sort of like I wouldnt trust myself to be able to go with the flow and handle things unexpectedly. I look forward to reading how you deal with this.
BIG HUGS - you are an inspiration T. Thanks for being so generous and sharing your deepest thoughts and feelings with us.
