Confessions of a Supermom - JennyF's 4th thread

[blindsided1]

Fake it till you make it sounds good to me. I wish I were better at doing that. I still have a tendancy to dwell on the negative and do what DOES NOT work on occassion, as is evident in my posts. So, many people have told me that I tend to always see myself as getting the short end of the stick. I do. I would love to be more optimistic. Just remember that change is inevitable.

[hope2wrkitout]

JF--

JF I am going to use you today as my role model. You are so very practical and I love it. I really and truly want to get where you are. I never see you using your kids as pawns. I never hear you bad mouthing your H or CFB (I think that is what you call her). Starting today I am following your lead. Check out my post when you can.

[JennyF]

You guys are good for my ego! And good motivation to keep it up.
Thanks.

wheretogofromhere,

I feel stronger and like I can do this just by reading what you write!

WOW! This made me feel really good when I read it, thank you. It means a lot to know that I'm helping you feel strong!
I have been trying to read your thread to catch up on you before I post...I'm getting there. Life is a little hectic!

hopetoworkitout,

You are so very practical and I love it.

I'm a gemini though...I go from this extreme to highly emotional in 10 seconds flat!
And yes, I do endearingly call her CFB ;-)



Well H came over tonight. The weather here is terrible and we are getting dumped on AGAIN with snow. TOO MUCH SNOW! My back aches from shovelling!
I was planning on going out to do some shopping when H took the kids for a few hours tonight. He called and said that if I was going out, why didn't he just stay here with the kids? I said ok.
Then when I was about to leave I changed my mind. I REALLY wanted to go out, but it wasn't anything necessary and the roads are so bad that I really shouldn't have been driving if I didn't have to. So H said he didn't care if I stayed.
I stayed out of their way. I fed S and then passed him off. I spent an hour on the computer and then went outside and shovelled (it already needs to be done again). I basically just left him with the kids.
He mentioned a couple things to me tonight.
First of all he mentioned that he didn't know I was going have a BIG party for D last weekend. I said it wasn't big. He said, I thought you were only going to invite your parent's and so and so. I said, yeah...then I decided to invite more. And I don't get to see those other people oftem so I asked them to come and they did.
2 of the couples that came are kind of considered "his friends". But after 9 years together they're OUR friends. Anyway, he said he was going to invite them next weekend to the little party that HE is having for D. I just said I didn't know that.
He didn't make a fuss about it...but you could just tell he was acknowledging it for a reason.

2 other things he did tonight...asked how he should go about taking his name off the household bills and he gave me my car key back (Brit...that didn't take long huh?), then asked for his truck keys. Oh well.
The thing about the bills is odd...it's like he's totally rushing to put all of these things in place to prove it's OVER. Taking his name off the bills after 4 months?? Like that's something that is necessary immediately.
I think he was looking for something to say. I really think he is looking for ways to show me that it is over and that is why he is moving so fast.

Anyway...I just spent FAR too much time talking about H!

If I can dig myself out of the snowbank that is now my house tomorrow, I will be taking D to school in the morning. Tomorrow is her birthday!!! My little girl is 3!!!
Then I have a phone call with my lawyer to discuss the informal separation agreement that H and I came up with. And I have to discuss H's request for me to buy him out of the house. It's not going to happen any time soon.
This could be the one thing that will send him over the edge mad at me. I've been so generous with him through this whole thing. He can barely say anything bad about me except maybe that I've been sad (duh?).
Not selling or buying him out is the one thing that I won't waiver on and it is going really make him mad. But that's ok. It makes detaching easier.
I feel so good about knowing that I am making the right decision for me and my kids. It is not in his favour and he's going to try to turn all around on me.
But I'm building confidence!! And the lawyer will help me with that...

Ok I've babbled enough.
J~

[hope2wrkitout]

JF-- You have been so good at this entire DB thing do you think that him taking his name off the bills is just an effort to see where your head is at? I am curious. You are doing great and i am really thinking that him asking to take his name off the bills is an effort to see if you have really changed and if you are in fact letting go or just pretending. I mean honestly, taking his name off the household bills means nothing. It won't change the bills or his responsibility. If he really wanted and needed to know why ask you? Wouldn't that question be better answered by the bill companies? Don't fall into the trap like I did. Just refer him to the 800 number on the bills and tell him to let you know what he finds. Say something like " yeah, I was kind of wondering that myself. Let me know what you find out." I don't quite get the keys thing. Again, as my BIL says if they really and truly want it to be over and they are sure, there is no need for the games. He did not even have to deal with you on the key. He could have given you your key back or not (what the hell was keeping it going to do. For GOD sake take it off the ring if it is bothering you so damn much) and changed the lock on his truck. Yes, an expense, but it would have meant he did not have to deal with you or your feelings. He did not have to consult you about the bills. He probably could have taken his name off without you even knowing or at the very least found out the process without asking you. I am sorry to rant JF, but this so sounds like my H. The difference is I am not as strong as you, I cave and we end up going back and forth. The thing is I know he cares because he goes back and forth. With your H you don't give him the satisfaction. Keep on DBing don't let him phase you and please believe that he still cares. He is rushing, but I don't think it is for the reasons you think.

[hope2wrkitout]

JF-- I just wanted to add that you have this DB thing so right. Unless you are doing more backsliding than you say, I honestly believe that things will work out with you and H. I see so much of my H in yours. I can't see the light in my own sitch, but I so see it in yours. I really feel like if you keep going at the pace that you are going you will be back with H in time. He needs lots of space, but it looks like he is trying to do more growing up and maturing than anything.

[JennyF]

hopetoworkitout,
Yes, I do think he is doing it just to keep showing me that it is over. Because I do believe is still knows I don't really believe it. Funny this is...that I do. I am completely, 100% sure that he believes it is over. I don't even think he's confused any more (at least no where conciously...)
But what I know that he doesn't know...is that he is in the middle of a life crisis! And there IS the potential for him to change his mind if he continues to follow the path as he has been.
So I did exactly as you said...I just said "I guess you just call them" and shrugged. That's it. And he dropped it.
My face had a furrowed brow when I said it...a scowl really, but then I let it go.

He could have given you your key back or not (what the hell was keeping it going to do. For GOD sake take it off the ring if it is bothering you so damn much) and changed the lock on his truck. Yes, an expense, but it would have meant he did not have to deal with you or your feelings. He did not have to consult you about the bills. He probably could have taken his name off without you even knowing or at the very least found out the process without asking you. I am sorry to rant JF, but this so sounds like my H. The difference is I am not as strong as you, I cave and we end up going back and forth.

OK hope2workitout....you were on a roll! It really wasn't that a big a deal...he wasn't an a$$#@le about it or anything. I have been expecting it actually. I certainly would not have wanted him to change the locks when he can simply ask for it like he did.
BUT, I gotta say this...you're looking for negative things that aren't there. And if you've just done it in my sitch...I'm wondering if you're doing it in your own too. Yes we have reasons to be mad at them....and hurt and devestated and depressed and lonely and blahblahblah. By I don't have to be this way with every single little thing he does. My God if I do that I'll go nuts!
Also...H is not responsible for how I feel. I AM. I have to stop letting him determine how I feel. Again....Yes we have reasons to be mad at them....and hurt and devestated and depressed and lonely and blahblahblah.
But if I let it consume me...I won't be moving forward. And I can't stand still!
J~

[blindsided1]

Jenny - it stinks that you have to be going through all this so soon. My H did the key thing and the separation thing within the first month. Talk about fast. Guess what? I'm a Gemini, too. Maybe that's why I sway from one extreme to the next emotionally. I wish that I had the strength NOT to let all of H actions and moods affect me. But, I have a tendency to assume it has something to do with me. And, it is making me NUTS. Maybe that's why I'm not moving forward very quickly. I would love to know how to turn off the negative.

[W2G]

I'm a Scorpio... do you think that is why I think really nasty horrible thoughts about my H while I'm out shoveling the snow? I think really MEAN things!

Anyway, Jenny, I was out in that storm last night (remember, I'm your neighbour). Picked D2 up from daycare at about 5:15pm.. Usually takes 15 to 20 minutes to get home (always heavy traffic) but last night I got home at 6:50pm. There was even a slight hysteria moment when I got stuck in a ditch. I called my H in a panic.. started hyperventilating.. but was trying to stay as calm as I could since D2 was in her car seat in the back... he remained very calm on the other line and tried to calm me.. I eventually somehow managed to get myself out of the ditch and back on a main road but boy was I scared. D2 was fabulous through it all.

Got home safe and sound and H called to say he and our car got hit by a guy fishtailing down the street. So had to do all the insurance stuff... I started the ball rolling since everything is in my name but then I left his contact information for the insurance company to get all the details.. Finally, one thing RESPONSIBLE he's going to have to handle!

Anyway, sorry to be so long winded.. the reason for me telling you about my hell night on the roads was to congratulate you for being very smart and staying in last night! You were very wise to not venture out unnecessarily!

As for you.... you are doing great.. and I love hearing how you DB!! Keep up the good work. I'm going to keep learning from your example!

W2G

[JennyF]

Well...just got off the phone with H. Coversation got pretty heated. It was about finances and what he is offering me...there was some confusion, once we got that part straightened out...I realized once all the bills were paid he was leaving me with $135/mth. That's it. After a lot of hrash words and back & forth, he agreed to take on more so I could have more a month. He thinks he's being VERY generous and respectful with this offer.

Anyway, further to getting his name off the bills, he is also taking his name off the joint account and wants to split up car insurance. I told him that wasn't a good idea because we would lose the multi person discount and the insurance would go. He said...and this is the great part..."well maybe I want to put my insurance together with Tracy. (CFB). Yes, He actually said her name to me.

Anyway...the conversation slightly touched on R things but it was just more of him avoiding anything that might resemble him having to consider what he's done to me or what he is continuting to do. I won't go into all the sordid details...the point is...it could not be any more over than it is right now.

I've been posting this regarding 'dropping the rope' all over the place because it helps me. I've been loosening my grip on this rope...but I think today I have dropped it.

Dropping the rope is not something you do.
It is a place that you reach.

You reach it when although you still love your spouse and would still like to see the marriage restored, you have begun to live for yourself happily again.

You drop the rope at the exact moment you know in your gut and in your soul that you ARE okay and further, that you will ALWAYS be okay. No matter what.

I just spent 10 minutes in the shower crying about it. Sobbing uncontrollably actually. But I have to move full steam ahead with my life. He is moving ahead with his.

I'm am so very sad for my children. But I am vowing here and now the make the best of this situation for them. They have not control of what has happened any more than I have. But I have control over everything that happens to them and to me from here on out. And I vow to give them a happy life filled with love every day of their lives no matter what the circumstances.
They deserve that...and so do I.

Not feeling quite so strong today...but at least I know what I have to do.
J~

[blindsided1]

{{{{{Jenny}}}}}}

I am so sorry, Jenny. It sounds like you have had a really rough day, so far. I pray that this gets easier for you, I really do. He's being pretty insensitive, right now. Just stay strong and drop that rope, let it go. Move forward with your life and hope for the best. I can't even imagine how it would feel to be in your shoes. Someday karma is going to catch up with him. When I feel like that, I just want to disappear for a while. My heart goes out to you.

You're going to make it. You WILL get through this.