O.K., I got home from work today to find another note from my H that he had stopped by to walk the dog. This time however, he had obviously went through a lot of the rooms in the house trying to find things he needed or wanted. He put those things in a pile on our kitchen table and asked in the note if I would mind if he took that stuff for himself. I have no problem with any of it, other than the photo album his mom made for me when he and I got married (its of all of his childhood years). He probably doesn't even remember that it was a gift to me. He also asked if I could go to the cell phone store to divide up our bill permenantly. The phone was also a gift to me from him a couple of years ago. We have always split the bill. But it sounds to me like he wants me off of his plan for good. I am so hurt. These were things that were given to me as gifts, and now I need to give them back. I wrote him back a note for the next time he pops in, and said that I would split the phone bill up soon, and that he could have all the items on the table (including the photo album). This SUCKS!!! I think it is very rude of him, but I have no other choice than to follow through with these demands kindly. I read here sometimes how some of your H's still help with bills and $ situation, and my H could give two craps about my money situation and now is telling me I have to pay for the phone he gave me as a gift, AHHHHHHHHHH! I am so frustrated. TIPPER
Wow, my H finally called to actually talk to me for the first time tonight since his second bomb and departure back in mid december. He said he felt like a talk was long overdue. He said that after being in the house today, he felt like I was not letting him go and he was worried for me (his reasoning was because I still have our pictures up on the walls in our bedroom). I said if that bothers him I could take them down. He said that is not necessary & that he has pictures of us that he still looks at, but he knows that that is all his past now. I reassured him that I was doing just fine with a happy tone in my voice. I told him that I am out doing things and enjoying life and staying busy. He said that I should be taking time to reflect also. I said that is inevitable, and that I know that there is more to enjoy in life than just that. He kind of got mad when I told him that the album his mom gave to me was a gift for me before we got married, and that he could have it - but I took one picture out of it. He was only mad because the last time he moved out he didn't care about all of his albums and misplaced them on one of his several moves. I told him his albums are probably at his parents house, cuz I took all of his belongings he didn't care about (albums included) over to his parents last summer instead of throwing those things out. That being said he was thankful that I would give the album to him afterall. He did mention he wants a divorce for the first time since he left, and I just didn't comment and changed the subject. He told me that I am a beuatiful person inside and out and that any man would be blessed to have me, I said thanks. He kept asking over and over how I was doing, and I just kept saying I am doing well with out going into much detail other than saying I am constantly staying busy hanging out with our family and friends. He said we should file for taxes this year seperately, because I know what kind of financial problems he has and he doesn't want to sabotage me. He sounded sad and very brokent the whole conversation long. He thanked me profusely for allowing him in the house to take the dog on walks. I said no problem and that I thought it was good for our dog, since I am at work all day. He is opening his new auto shop this coming monday (jan, 28th) and said he is excited and feels that he has finally found his calling. He said it is causing him some anxiety though. When I asked him how he was doing, he said he is very happy on his journey. I felt like our conv. was coming to an end so I quickly decided to thank him for calling and said good bye, he said no problem and to call him if I need anything at all (even for car problems) and then we hung up. Oh my god, this has been my hardest day yet since he has left again. I cried and slept all day, and could not help it. I feel very sad and that he has really come to the conclusion that I am the past, and he wants a completely different future. I always knew this is a possibility (divorce), but it is so freaking hard to really accept and to let go of him internally. I have no problem with following the DB rules of externally letting him go, but my heart is just about as shattered as it could ever possibly be. He was my man, my companion, my lover, my best friend and I just don't know how I could ever possibly get over this heart break inside myself. I married him with the intentions of satisfying each other for a lifetime, and he is cutting it short mostly it seems to me due to his own issues and his severe depressive state that he is in. He really feels like he would be happier alone or with someone else, and just keeps over focusing on his new career. He is telling me he wants me to move on and not to let him hold me back. How is this even possible when I still love the man so very much. I am reading the book mentioned on here several times called: "I dont want to talk about it, understanding the secret legacy of male depression" and it is giving me a whole new understanding of why this is happening. I know I didn't cause the M to fail, and that no one has a perfect M. I am learning from the book that he is covertly depressed, and will continue this cycle until he himself finally realizes that his depression is due to his childhood(phys. abusive & alcoholic father), genetics, and the trauma of his bankruptcy last year. I just don't see him ever seeking help for his problems, he is way to stuborn and hates the idea of counseling, medication, and even admitting that he needs help. He would rather self medicate himself with alcohol, work and OW. I have no choice but to let him go, but my heart is simply not letting me and I don't think it ever truely will, as he is the only man I have ever desired & honestly loved the way I do. I know it takes time, but its the hardest thing I have ever had to face, and I am so scared that I will never be able to open up to someone else after all this hurt and pain and yearning. How is it possible to tell yourself to just not love the most important person in your life. I know that you can always love from afar, but I wish I didn't have to give up on us alltogether. I want my Marriage back so bad.HHHHHHHEEEEELLLLLLPPPPPP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! TIPPER
Great news everyone! I just went from having one of the worst days of my life to all of a sudden, a blessing just dropped in my lap. GAL is really paying off. There really is a God. I just found out that I have won an 8 day all expense paid vacation/cruise to the Bahamas and Florida from a bridal show that I went to with my soon to be married brother and his fiance. WOW!!! I could not believe it, it sounds to good to be true, but it really is and its not a scam. I went from being in pure agony today after my H called last night and said that he does want a D. I was so down and I just kept praying for god to help me get through this in anyway possible. And suddenly this blessing cheered me right up obviously. It definetly doesn't help to bring my H back to me, but it does give me something to look forward to emensly. I cant wait to go. I asked one of my closest girlfriends to go with me as it is a trip for two. She is also a teacher and we have got the same schedules throughout the year, and we have traveled together before in larger groups to Cancuun, Dominican Rep., Las vegas, and Jamaica. This trip is right up both of our alleys, and I have been dumping on her all of my H's spew for the last year, and she is as excited about it as I am. We are gonna have a blast. This blessing is the first large thing I have ever won in my life, and it has come at the most needed time. Holy Cow, I still cant believe it. This just shows me again that there is so much more out there to enjoy in life and that I am a very lucky person for all the things that I do still have. Yeah!!! TIPPER
Well I havent posted in a while but wanted to fill you all in on my last week and keep the journaling going. I have taken down all of our pictures in the house and replaced them with pic's of my family and friends because they are the ones helping me through this difficult time the most right now. My H came by again last thursday and left me a note not to worry about us changing over the cell phone plan yet and that he wouldn't mind doing that later in sept. when the plan is up. He was again really nice and thankful in his note. He didn't make any comments about the pictures being changed. I went to his parents house for dinner last wednesday and it went well. This was our first visit since H has left me the 2nd time. They gave me wonderful christmas gifts and we had a nice conversation mostly about me and how I am doing and my life. However, My H's name did come up and we did chat about our Sitch for a bit. His parents are mostly scared of my H commiting suicide right now or if his new business fails on him. They are also very concerned and worried for my safety and said to me not to meet up with him unless if its in a public place. They said they are worried that he would maybe try to end my pain too if he ever did try suicide. They want me to get a new lock for my doors again, and Father in Law even said he wants to put them in for me. I told them though that I trust my H not to ever do that, and we never see each other and that I feel safe and fine. His mom said that it sounds to her that my H is doing a lot of reflecting (journaling) and spending a lot of time alone. He has only visited his family once since he left me over the holidays. The night his family got together was to see his brothers new apartment him and his girlfriend are renting. His parents said he only stayed a short while, and as soon as dinner was done he left. His mom said that he will talk to her on the phone for a little bit this time around, unlike after he left the first time. She said he is being much more kind and gentle to her now when compared to last summer. We are all so afraid of his state of mind and what he might do to end his pain, this is getting really heavy and hard to not have constant nightmares. I am so scared to loose my H in a deeper sence. I cherish him, and can't help him except for praying for him. I told my inlaws about being invited by my friend to the black tie affair, and they were happy to see that I am going to go out and get dolled up and have a good time. They kept telling me that I deserve it and were happy to see that I am still enjoying life in many ways. The black tie affair was so nice and fun yesterday. We had a blast and I met so many really nice people that were all in the mood to dance and have fun. My friend ended up winning 875$ on the roulette table. We danced all night and had a great dinner, and went to his bosses suite for an after party. Then we also went to a new night club with all his work buddies after that. We ended up meeting up with my parents in his room(cause we left them a key) @ 3:30 in the morning, and my rents drove me home. It was a wonderful evening and my friend respected my wishes and treated me really well all night. Today I was floored, I ended up winning 400$ dollars on a super bowl board through my bowling alley. This is the second largest thing I think I have ever won - next to the trip I won last week. It's like I am having really good Kharma coming my way lately. I better go play the lotto. Take care all, TIPPER
tipper Hi happy that you won and had such a nice night I read only part of your thread jusr wanted to say hi I read your H is alcoholic? alanon is an awesome program It has the same exact principles as DB peace
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
Peacetoday, Thanks for posting to me and giving me that great advice. I was also told about alanon by both the councelors I went to see last summer when My H left the 1st time. I never looked into it though because My H returned about a week after I started Counceling. My H came back to me and had his drinking under control somewhat(or at least it seemed so)for a few months. Then when he started getting more serious about his new business, he started to drink almost a case a day again in Nov and Dec. Now he is gone for the 2nd time and I figure that I should probably look into alanon more seriously this time. Thank You for the reminder. Have you ever been to one of their meetings? TIPPER
tipper Here is my email rsdmajesti@aol.com I can tell you anything you want to know about alanon alanon is for spouses or children relatives of alcoholics talks a lot about letting go of control and detatchment It will help you..especially now once an alcoholic always an alcoholic drinking may look controlled but isnt peace
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
Me: 46 H:44 Together: 25 years Married: 20 years Separated: 11-30-06 Divorced 12-21-07 OW: EA began 2005 PA began end of 2006 3 children,20, 16, 6 ex asked for forgiveness 01/16/11
Tipper, hi. I was reading the last several postings and my heart went out to you with what you are dealing with. He appears to be hurting. Maybe he cannot relate to you so he reaches out to another person that he feels is in a similar messed up state as he is in.
As he heals, which is probably going to be the case since he is trying to find himself, he may realize he is worthy of you. In his mind, he isn't or that is at least how I read it in his conversations with you. And don't feel guilty about his feelings. Those belong to him and it is up to him to learn to deal with it.
You can do this.
Me:56, W:51 D:26,S:24,S:22 Married:18 Bomb 9/27/06 Separated 11/27/06 Divorced 10/6/08 Leaving it up to God
Missmyfriend, Thank you for that insight. I agree with what you are saying. He doesn't seem to be reaching out to much of anyone right now other than the local bar stool. He appears to everyone I talk to right now that knows him to be avoiding everyone like a hermit, and drinking everynight at the bar down the street from his new place.
I don't think the first week or two of his newly opened business is going too well for him. I drive by it on my way to and from work, and his truck hasn't been there much at all this week, and the open sign has only been on once that I saw.
Two days ago I went through town to the dentist office, and passed his empty business only to find his truck was parked at the local library.
Then yesterday, his business again was not open. When I got home there was a note for me from him that said he took the dog for a walk again.
Today, his truck was at the shop, but the lights & open sign were not on. And very strangly, I noticed on my way through town that he had posted business signs sparatically from his old roofing business up and about. My conclusion is that the new business must not be doing too well, and he has spent a lot of money to get it up and running. Therefore he is probably really strapped for cash again, and is resorting to the old business of roofing to make up for it.
He has so desperately tried to get away from that old roofing business for years now, as he hates it and that is what caused his bankruptcy. Not to mention there is lots of snow where I am and its not quite time for a roofing job to pop up (other than small repairs and snow removal). I am a bit worried for him. I will pray that everything goes well for him.
I do think he feels unworthy of lots of things right now, even though that is not the case. He has been through a lot of trauma from his business. That old business was his manlihood and now that it crumbled i think it has totally wiped out his self esteem. He just doesn't want to face anyone he ever knew from the past.
Thanks for telling me that I can do this, as I do believe I can. My H and I had such a beautiful relationship since high school on up. And when he gets better I do believe that those good old memories and feelings will come flooding back into him. It will just take time and lots of it I am sure. I will keep my faith and pray that he will not do anything to end his pain in a devastating manner. TIPPER
