Finding my way out of the dark

[mishka422]

Last thread locked but that gave me a perfect opportunity to change the subject of my thread anyway.

I was at my DivorceCare group tonight and we were discussing what was the loss we felt the most deeply this week. I was the last in the group to share so I heard everyone else's replies and had time to think. Every one of them made good points - the loss of time with their kids, the loss of the dream of the future, the loss of their companion. I feel all of those things but the thought that overwhelmed me the most this week was that not only have I lost the person I was supposed to be able to trust with my very heart and soul forever but I've also lost my own trust in my judgement. How can I every trust someone again when I can't even trust that I have enough sense to determine when someone is completely fabricating their entire personality. That is how I feel right now, like I never knew my H and the person he is now is really the person he has been hiding from me for 18 years. A liar, cheater, manipulator and abuser.

The frightening thing about feeling that I can't even trust myself is that I don't know where to start on my journey out of this dark place. Don't get me wrong, I have moments when I feel really strong and determined. Moments where I feel like I can get along just fine without my husband and maybe someday forgive him for destroying our family. Right now is not one of those times but I'm working on it.

I did manage to keep from hurling nastiness at him tonight. One little thing set me off but I bit my tongue (or fingers since I was only texting him). Checked answering machine when I got home and there was a message from the dentist reminding him of his appointment in the morning. It made me mad for some stupid reason that he has managed to cut me out of his life but can't be bothered to change the phone number the dentist uses to contact him. I sent him a text telling him that the dentist called to remind of the appointment and to please change his number with them. I kept it at that. I wanted to add that I didn't need the constant reminders of my inadequacy and the destruction of my family and to stop torturing me with soulful looks when he sees me, compliments on my appearance (which he never did before), etc., etc.. I sat on my hands and didn't do it. Wouldn't serve any purpose but to tick him off and make me feel worse. That's why I come here and pour all of this out to you all.

Tonight's prayers are going to be long and hopefully inspiring. God will show me His light to guide me from the darkness. I know with His love all things are possible, I just have to be patient and follow His direction.

Love to you all!