She's gone...I'm devastated, but hopeful

[LoginName]

Hi MM,
There is a power issue in these things, isn't there. Anger too.

Anger can be good. It gives you the strength to change and do. It's not good to hold onto anger too long though. Like guilt, it serves it's purpose, and then you have to let it go.

Power. If you read my last post, I'm thinking about that too. I received the good advice that I have just as much power. I chose to do this, to stay, to be in this R, and I can change my mind. You can too. You do have power.

Maybe power is tricky because so many look at it as a zero sum game; if you have the power than I don't. Maybe both can have power, and control. Control over your own life.

I think during the crisis, we are willing to give up the power and control, we're willing to do anything. It's like death/grief stages; anger, bargaining, acceptance, etc. We are grieving a loss. So when we are in the bargaining stage, we're ready to do and try anything. then anger pops up.

Yes, reassert your power. But not power over her, as I think you realize, but over yourself. Take back control of your life.

Keeping quiet about your changes is powerful. It takes time to work it's magic on you and on her, but it works, It's hard to do at times. Who more than our mate, best friend, would you want to share your insights and revelations with? And yet you feel you have to keep it to yourself.

You've got us on the board, you can share those feeling, changes with us.

I'm glad you've decided to quite calling her as often.

It may be too early - you need to feel and process the anger and get control back - but when that's done, then what? Time to face the problems?

Thanks for retelling your story. Mine is similar. I had an A too. I think for your W and mine, the real issue is not our A's, but their need to find themselves and test their wings. But our A's are important. Are you ready to talk to your W about it?

There is a lot of opinion about what you should be willing to tell and to say. My feeling is that you should be willing to answer any questions, with the caveat that she shouldn't ask a question unless she is ready to hear the answer. And when you answer, don't give details or embellish. You know, say we had sex, not get into what positions you used, etc. And be honest. Like, "yes I enjoyed it but I felt empty afterwards", telling the truth that it was enjoyable, and what you really felt.

Can you tell I'm talking to myself here? My W says my A isn't important and doesn't really matter. In a way I know she's right. But I also think that it may have been a big part of our problem. She, like your W, may have thought about it over the years and it may have built up in her. The last DB coach session I had, the C said that the A would have to be addressed sometime, but not at that time. At that time, it wasn't important.

I'm rambling, but my point to you, MM, is are you ready to talk about your A to your W? Are you willing to answer her questions, if she still has them?

There are some good books on this subject. Shirley Glass is a good therapist/author on this subject.

OK, and getting back on track even more, remember that you aren't asserting yourself to 'get even' with her for leaving, or to punish her, or to show her how strong you are, or to threaten her with the possibility that you might not want to get back together. You're asserting yourself because you want to, because it's healthy, because your going to face reality. If you decide you don't want to get back together with her, so be it. If she decideds the same, so be it. You're taking control of your life, and letting go of control of her life. It's big, profound, and hard. Don't even suggest that you may leave her, unless you are really ready to follow through. Don't play games.

Enough caveats and warnings. Welcome back to the confident, powerful, in control MM. The man who can let go of things he can't control, and takes responsibility for what he can. The man who can cry and feel bad because he knows he can feel those powerful emotions and they can't stop him. The man who can honestly be sorry for his past mistakes, and then forgive himself and move on, becoming better.